36: Lazarus Heart?

Alma 32: 26-27

26 Now, as I said concerning faith -- that it was not a perfect knowledge -- even so it is with my words. Ye cannot know of their surety at first, unto perfection, any more than faith is a perfect knowledge.

27 But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.

Lazarus Heart?

1/15/09

My heart lies cold - its life spent out

On hope for home and kin

So freely seen in neighbor lives,

So many gathered in.

Long coveted I what is not so

In Promise' timeless face

Till empty strength and empty time

Forfeit this solo race.

Now body shall live though heart has died,

Though no-one sees to mourn

'Less Lazarus heart the Lord shall raise -

Should thus His will be borne.

Even when you have no strength left and have to let go, you can remember that the Lord can raise anything from death - be it hope, love, life, peace, safety, understanding.

We are taught that if we can only desire to believe, that it is enough for the Lord to work with. So too, I believe, can He work with what we see as our failures in life - strength, family, work, health. He can make them all find life again. So even when we lose hope, we can remember Lazarus and hope again.

35: How? When

Isaiah 55: 8-9

8 For my thoughts are not your thought,

neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.

9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways,

and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Mosiah 4:9

Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend.

Isaiah 9: 6

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace.

How? When

6/15/08

To face a fear so long a threat

To not fear the hurt they gave

To break the chains of fear they hold

To breathe free, feel calm, stay safe.

I wish I knew how not to fear

To believe no harm can be done

That the monsters of my past are dead

To believe that threat is gone.

Somehow he must become a face

Not one I've known for years

Somehow the threat must empty out

Somehow lay rest these fears.

They say he cannot hurt me

Though still he yet may try

They say I must just forward face

And leave these fears to die?

How?

But perhaps 'how?' is the wrong question - Better still is 'When'.

<Ralph Marston>

When

             the fears that hold you back

When your reasons to move forward outweigh your excuses for staying put, you will move forward.

…

…

…

When you are ready, life is here to fully live.

Choose it, and now is when.

Ralph Marston

The truth is not worrying so much about the how. The Lord will provide what is needed if we stay in tune with Him. He will also manage the speed. More often than not, in my efforts with the ultimate Counselor (see Isaiah 9:6) He has said 'not yet' more than He has said 'time to move on'. Whatever the timing is, when you are ready, the way will be there.

34: Nothing Left

Alma 13: 28-29

28 But that ye would humble yourselves before the Lord, and call on his holy name, and watch and pray continually, that ye may not be tempted above that which ye can bear, and thus be led by the Holy Spirit, becoming humble, meek submissive, patient, full of love and all long-suffering;

29 Having faith on the Lord; having a hope that ye shall receive eternal life; having the love of God always in your hearts, that ye may be lifted up at the last day and enter into his rest.

Alma 36: 3

...whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day.

Nothing Left

4/15/08

'How much longer?' the question echoes,

And, 'Can I make it?' is close behind.

They say I have to care.

Yet I have nothing left to give.

And so I mourn

Because I fail.

But at least I gave my all.

And so I can rest as down I fall

And hope in the arms that will catch me.

Someone I know once told me of a dream she tends to have when faced with an obstacle requiring faith. It is as follows.

She is walking on a path towards a great cliff, the top of which she knows is heaven. The path is easy at first with pretty flowers along the way. As it goes it gets a bit steeper and more difficult but it is still quite manageable. Then it becomes more of rock climbing and requires all her concentration. It takes great effort but she is doing it. Her strength begins to fail and she begins to fear. Looking below, the rocks look like jagged teeth and she knows it will be her doom if she falls and the thought of having to try climbing again after is more than she can handle. She begins to pray and can hear the Father and the Son above telling her to let go. Of course she cannot let go so she keeps trying, climbing till the surface provides no more hand-holds and her fingers have been bloodied to the bone. Still above, they encourage her to let go. She dares not, but soon her fingers have worn down so much they break and she falls. She mourns as she sees heaven get further and further away. Shortly before she hits the bottom, the Savior catches her and carries her to the top. On the way he asks her, "Did you really think I would let you fall?"

The scriptures tell us that 'we know that it is by grace that we are saved after all that we can do.' We can't save ourselves. We must be on the right path and continuing forward as well as we can manage, but despite what my dad always tried to convince me, we can't and aren't expected to be able to do it all ourselves. Having obstacles that require more than we personally can manage are opportunities to turn to the Lord and trust in Him. Trust that He will make it right. Trust that He has provided the way to recompense the hurts against you, that He will guide you in a way that will make even more good come from the bad than you could imagine. Let His atonement give you strength and courage and peace. He suffered for everything. Your sins and others'. The illnesses and deaths. The heartaches and hurts and distresses of everyone. He knows. He cares. And He is there waiting for all of us to let Him into our lives so that He can help make it right even when the actions of others stand ready to tear us down. Trust His guidance and when this mortal probation is over you will find more than you ever imagined possible.

30: Free to live

1 Corinthians 12:20-22, 25-26

20 But now are they many members, yet but one body.

21 And the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of thee: nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of you.

22 Nay, much more those members of the body, which seem to be more feeble are necessary:

25 That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another.

26 And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it.

Free to live

12/30/07

This path I entered years ago

Has come at last to end

And now I stand with aching heart

But joy for my lost friend.

I walked the path the Lord bade me

In faith, though strength did fade

But faith proved true and through the end

With honor have I stayed.

So now my path's to be my own

And free I am to live

To walk, and wish, and will, and want

All God's blessing He will give.

It felt like I had lost a friend in leaving family behind. Truth is, it was more an imagined ideal I had hoped for that was lost. Family should love and care about each other; what makes each person special and unique coming together in a unity of love and respect.

It was not so, but I can do all I can to someday build a family like I wished so much mine had been.

26: Hope

1 Peter 3: 15

But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear.

Hope

2/18/07

The flame of hope wants to be shared

But must be guarded well

From those who have not eyes to see

Who'd try its strength to tell.

They blow to try your strength and will

To keep it burning on

They blow for fear what it will show

For long their flame's been gone.

So guard you precious hope and faith

From those who wish to kill

For doubt or fear - it matters not -

Just keep it burning still.

Hope can melt the ice of fear

And fuel the tired heart

And lift another's burden clear

And prompt a better start.

So guard your precious hope and faith

To share with those who see

That hope gives strength when wisely shared

And sets the bound heart free.

Out of faith, hope, and charity, hope is the least represented it seems. I see faith as the belief in something we may not understand that motivates us to act accordingly. Hope is the expectation that our faith is not in vain. I believe it is a symbiotic relationship - they feed each other. Without them, we may act, but it would not be the same for we would feel the actions were empty of meaning. This in turn would ultimately lead to abandoning the actions or resenting whatever actions we continued.

It is the original source of charity, the pure love Christ offered us that allows us the chance to have faith and hope. By overcoming the effects of death and sin, life and our actions have meaning again. Instead of emptiness there is a future possible of continued life for everyone. There is hope.

25: Help Will Come

D&C 68: 6

Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you; and ye shall bear record of me, even Jesus  Christ, that I am the Son of the living God, that I was, that I am, and that I am to come.

Help Will Come

2/18/07

No matter how alone you feel

Or, in truth, you may well be

Or how you cry out in your soul

For one to trust continually.

No matter how you search and look

And still there is no-one

Have faith, be still, do not lose hope

For always, help will come.

The source, each different, yet the same

The Lord works through the ones who will

Each help made equal to each need

Shows us the Lord is faithful still.

He sends one soul to listen well

Another to suggest

And when there's no-one to give hope

By His help we'll be blessed.

So though heart, faith and hope are tired

And still you have no-one

Have faith, be still, do not give up

And hope, for help will come.

Coming from the family problems that so dominated my life, I do not and have not had the family support that I watch so many others regularly fall back on. All the same, there has always been the help needed when something was beyond my own capabilities. Sometimes I could talk to one friend or another, sometimes I happened across a random reference that helped me understand, sometimes a random stranger appeared more than willing to help, sometimes  my dreams would give me perspective, sometimes it was simply a blessing of peace. But I was never left alone by Heavenly Father. And I promise that so long as you want Him there, He will never leave you alone either. He does not always give the answer we want as quickly as we want, but He will always be there to give us the help we need.

20: Edges of Eternity

Mosiah 7: 19

Therefore, lift up your heads and rejoice, and put your trust in God, in that God who was the God of Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob; and also that God who brought the children of Israel out of the land of Egypt, and caused that they should walk through the Red Sea on dry ground, and fed them with manna that they might not perish in the wilderness; and many more things did he do for them.

Alma 36: 3

And now, O my son Helaman, behold, thou art in thy youth, and therefore, I beseech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day.

Edges of Eternity

6/06 - 7/17/06

I'm standing blindfolded,

On the edge of eternity,

Hoping my eyes will come to see

The hopes my heart has

Struggles so long to hold onto.

This edge is one of many

Both past and yet to come

And each requires faith in things unknown.

I feel the wind gently pulling me on

As I step from the grasp of what was

And slowly anticipation builds

With the sense of the wonders ahead.

And so I step again

And trust the clouds to be my ground.

A person does not need to go skydiving or bungee jumping or any of the crazy things people do to get an adrenaline rush. Just ask any person on the verge of making a huge change in life on faith. What's more, the more you exercise faith, the more Heavenly Father trusts you to follow His lead and the more He will provide you opportunities to strengthen and grow even more faith. I'd even challenge an adrenaline junky to try to live on faith for a while to see if they're brave enough to handle it. They may just discover life will supply plenty of opportunity on its own.

19: With Me, Waiting

2 Thessalonians 3: 5

And the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God,

and into the patient waiting for Christ.

D&C 98: 1-3

1 Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks;

2 Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament -- the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted.

3 Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name's glory, saith the Lord.

With Me, Waiting

4/9/06

The Lord sits with me, waiting

While I wonder what's ahead

At this train stop for my future

With His peace - my patience fed.

I will not see its coming, though

For He, my sight, has hid

That I may learn to trust in Him

To walk as He may bid.

Others urge me leave this place

"No train is scheduled here"

They cannot see the One who sits

With promise it is near.

And so I sit here watching

As past cares pass me by

And dream of future hopes and joys

And dream of open sky.

For I must stay here waiting

Or the train I'll surely miss

But the Lord sits with me ever, still

To hear that engine's hiss.

Oi. One of the hardest parts of following the Lord's direction is when He wants us to wait. In a gospel that focuses so much on being proactive and productive, to purposely hold a specific position on serious issues is seen as highly negligent. In a goal oriented world where a regularly updated progress report is expected to be available, patiently waiting the Lord's timing is not often recognized for what it is.

Yet any true gardener knows that there are times and seasons important for successful growth. If you plant too soon, the plant may freeze and die before its proper season is here. If too late, it will not have time to grow to maturity. And once planted, you can't expect to pull the plant up and measure the growth of its roots everyday and still manage a strong, healthy plant - the strain would severely damage it.

We are all unique plants with our lives following a seasonal pattern that will not always match the general patterns around us. I have seen this in operation in my own life as well as others I have known. The trick is to live the best you can manage and trust in the personal guidance you receive from above.

17: Awakened Dreams

D&C 88: 118

And as all have not faith, seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith.

Awakened Dreams

4/14/05, 5/12/06

The world can be a scary place

But something sets me free

With music of another world

To dream how things can be.

Emotion raw, emotion pure

Great thoughts to ride upon

Truth spoken there for all to hear

Where minds are later drawn.

Awakened dreams once long forgot

Are stirred within its wake

That yet, perhaps, there is a chance

Of dreams a future make.

Ennobled heart, so tired once

Now stands with life anew

Fresh strength to walk that higher road

To show those dreams as true.

For as long as I can remember, I have always been drawn to the power of story and song. I have probably read more than a couple thousand books and  seem to have an insatiable appetite for good stories. They have so much to learn from, be it understanding of different people and situations, communication, economics, society, politics, government, science, humanity - life overall. And in these stories I see purpose and value in life and so many parallels that demonstrate gospel principles whether they are obvious or understood through the character's lack of understanding. It provides an energy and centering effect on me and tends to have the greatest ability to restore my balance when life throws curve-balls.

16: Just One Day

Isaiah 41: 10

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

Just One Day

1/3/06

Hope can seem elusive

When the Evil One draws near

He'd have us focus far ahead

On all that we might fear.

For the future seems uncertain

When looked at from today

Each dream that we might hope for

Could go wrong in every way.

Thus he would entrap our minds

Held fast by fear's intent

That we might re-direct our lives

And, thus, our dreams prevent.

But the Lord gave us the answer

Spoken long ago

That shows how to hold onto

The dreams our hearts still know.

He said, "Take one day at a time

Don't borrow future fears

There's work enough to do right now

Don't waste those precious tears.

"Satan would have you think I can't

Do all I said I would -

I promised I would do the rest

Once you've done all you could.

"So don't worry about tomorrow

We'll get there as we will

There's no need to leap mountains

Just work on this day's hill.

"And as you walk on, day by day,

Though far your dreams appear

Have faith in me, walk by my side

And soon all will be clear.

"Do not fear the Dark One

I'll show the way that's true

You see, I was here long ago -

I walked it once for you.

"So let the future wait for us

We'll get there as we may

For now there's just one moment

For now there's just one day."

Matt 6:34 ; 3 Nephi13:34

I still find myself needing to remember this at times.

In Matthew 6:34 it states ,"Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."

Sometimes we get so caught up in everything we're trying to work out just right, or anticipating any potential problem to avoid negative attention, or focusing on the magnitude of the mountain ahead of us that we can get paralyzed with the stress of it all. This scripture shows that today, now is what we need to concern ourselves with. It is well to plan and prepare, but don't waste the now on the future. We have enough things to care about today without adding tomorrow's burdens on top of it. Even better is the 3 Nephi version where it ends, "sufficient is the day unto the evil thereof." Now, not only can we stay focused, we also have the assurances that we'll be able to handle it even if it's just a day at a time.

10: One Thread

D&C 64: 10-11

10 I, the Lord will forgive whom I will forgive

 but of you it is required to forgive all men.

11 And ye ought to say in your hearts --

let God judge between me and thee,

and reward thee according to thy deeds.

One Thread

10/4-5/05

Much to say, what to tell?

How to show where I've been?

Pick a thread, follow it through it's way

Many good, some are not

And this thread holds much pain

But this thread wove my world day by day.

I must unloose this thread

And replace as I go

Lest I unravel and, in shreds, fall

And prevent, as I can

From more thread being laid

As it gathers all up in a ball.

What to do with the ball?

Cut it off and away

And continue to loose as I go

Till it's gone and I'm free

From the chains of that thread

Free to be, free to live, free to grow.

Many have condemned me

For effects this thread has caused

Blind to see that I could not control

Where or how it got placed

When I too could not see

But the pain and the fear of my soul.

So confused at more pain

And still trying to be

The best everyone else thought I should

It was never enough

As it never can be

Still I tried to do all that I could.

Then I looked back and saw

How this thread shaped my life

And, at first, thought it must be my fault

But it's not, and I've tried

Just to lay fault aside

And to focus on loosing this knot.

Some remnants may escape

My split concentration

As I both treat and try to prevent

But the process moves on

And I'm closer each day

As I learn from what all this has meant.

So I see all the threads

But this one I must change

To no longer hurt me or my dreams

For new dreams I now see

As I learn the true me

And the hope of my future redeems.

I have had many people try to tell me that I must repent and/or forgive those involved in my home situation when the hard memories call back emotional responses. The truth is that forgiveness is not the issue in my case as I'm so empathetic I cry when fictional characters face death or great loss or pain. I'm merely reacting with empathy to my own memories of pain. Crazy weird, I know. But it brings up the issue of forgiveness. Many people seem to think that forgiveness means feeling and acting like nothing bad happened - a warm, fuzzy, I love you, you love me kind of feeling. That if you just flip the switch everything will be ok again - in you, with the offending persons, with God. I see forgiveness in a different way. 

Forgiveness is letting go of vengefulness for the wrongs of the past, leaving correction in God's hands, and moving on with your own life. While a discussion on why our standing in the way of someone else receiving of the Savior's atonement because we were offended is a good one to ponder, it is the moving on element that sets you free. It does not mean staying in an unhealthy environment. But it does mean that you take charge of your future and face forward instead of walking backwards blind in life because you refuse to put it aside. Often I find myself glad I don't have to be the judge of people. But it also occurs to me that no one will give a better judgment and exact a more appropriate price on those who have offended than God. Those who merit mercy will receive it and those who do not will find they have a rude awakening.

Forgiveness is accepting that the Lord will make recompense for the wrongs done and accepting that the debt then becomes between the offender and the Lord.