One woman's ways to protect children from active narcs

Notes on ways to protect your child from active narcissists, found in comments on a post for an emotional and narcissistic abuse page on Facebook, shared with the commenter's permission:

Stick with basics and on the basis of legal frameworks that Courts can't deny, start there; consent, CRC, mental health guidelines for boundaries and Parenting After Separation, Rainbows Program, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, Anne Katherine's "Where to Draw the Line" or "Where You End and I Begin", that sort of thing. Don't expect anything to change (not honestly, or permanently) on the part of the abuser, that typically doesn't happen, and teach your child the info themselves as you Can't always be there, but the info, and confidence in that info can be. Teach the kids to call 911 and make sure there's a bank account or credit card or billing account for emergency calls to cab companies and hospitals left at these places for the kids, a locker, a backpack, make sure those who work in reception areas know and are willing to comply. Talk to law enforcement you trust on the basis of what they know about these same issues and have crisis counselors who work with them present, take the kids, make sure their equality with you is the Line not to be crossed, by anyone. Same with lawyers. Give your kids the courage and support by helping them to learn to be responsible for themselves and their own well-being, in connection with ONLY those community members and professionals who are in support of child safety (check with local city transportation, sometimes there are foreword or programs for pre-arranged responses, get your kids familiar with them, check to see about McGruff programs or the like). And teach them to keep track of ignored boundaries, boundary errors and boundary violations on their own by teaching them to record these items during quiet times (sent to your room? Awesome, record the request that you made that got you sent there for "whatever excuse" the abuser used to try to make it seem as though you, the child, were doing something wrong, rather than just trying to be responsible and autonomous), teach your kids about the difference between delayed gratification / payment / bribery and make sure they can differentiate so that issues of bribery are seen for the attempts to manipulate punish and control that they are, and it won't take long (If you have mentally and legally healthy supports) to get rid of the narc IF you also make sure to own and change these behaviours if you exhibit any of them. Hopefully your situation won't be like mine where you're up against law enforcement or other corrupt professionals in the justice or enforcement fields, and you're able to get support for the kids from family, friends and community. Everything you can do, the kids can do, too, so teach it; these are necessary life skills. Trying to have anything healthy with someone who has a confirmed disorder and is living in denial about it is as effective as trying to nail jello to the wall... You can still gather the evidence though, so long as there's no one helping the jello obfuscate legally (which is why the basics MUST be in the paperwork, and taught in your home, and other safe places/spaces/homes), this an abusers undoing bc they cannot defend violations that are based on mental health and legal standards.

Qs for ACONs J#2: Warnings and encouragements for other ACONs?

What warnings or encouragement do you have/would you give to other ACONs in similar situations?

• It gets easier with time after going no contact. The anger you feel towards the abusive parent lessens, although it can rear up unexpectedly, even many years later.
  
  Forgiveness is important, but it is a process that might take a long time. Forgiveness doesn't mean you need to mend fences and allow your abuser to be a part of your life.
  
  There is hope and healing ahead. I reconciled with a sister (Anna) after not seeing or speaking to her for 25 years. Our fractured relationship was collateral damage because of our nm. We now have a wonderful, loving , healthy and stable relationship. Don't give up hope for family members you want to have a relationship with.
  
  ~Elsa

• I think to follow your own instincts and not let the guilt and the gaslighting, wherever or whoever puts it out there make you doubt yourself. Times when I knew things were way off kilter, even though I didn't understand exactly why, I didn't listen to my inner compass. Things don't always come as promptings, but rather a recognition that the dysfunction you're dealing with is more destructive than it may seem from the outside. I kept trying with certain relationships with family narcs because I didn't want to believe they were so far into the behavior that they were a danger and a threat to everyone around them. They're fueled by hate and anger, a need to control people, and if they can't control them, then just destroy them any way they could find. I kept thinking if I loved them enough, or tried harder etc. etc. etc. somehow they would get to a healthy, loving place and things would be better. Fortunately for me, Heavenly Father gave me such a strong prompting that I needed to find the truth and get to the bottom of things, and I couldn't ignore it. I listened, searched, prayed, did my homework, followed through on things I was told, instead of just believing what I was told, and eventually found the whole depth of all the ugly, evil truth and finally went NC (no contact) with those I needed to for good. I now have great relationships with the emotionally healthy people in the family (Elsa <3 ). My big regret is that I didn't stick to my instincts, and follow through with the NC many years ago. A lot of heartbreak and damage would have been prevented. As Elsa said, once you stick to NC, and time goes on, things get so much better. I have a peace and happiness in my family relationships for several years now that I had never had for even one day in my whole life before that. ~Anna

• Trust yourself and God, first. They want you to doubt yourself, your perception of reality, and everyone except for themselves. This is a large way they maintain control. Learn to be self aware so that when they attack and accuse, you can weigh it for accuracy and dump the lies. Know that you have a whole life ahead of you as soon as you are free to leave. That hope kept me going. When it gets confusing, disengage and focus on what is clear. Don't be surprised if no one else in the family will listen or believe you. Narcissists build a complex web of distortions to support their needs so being born into the middle of one means it's already established how they want it. Look instead for connections that prove the narc patterns wrong. The narcs will try to undermine them because that threatens them, but that is simply more proof of what they are. The more you understand narc patterns and dynamics, the easier it will be to brush off their abuses as their own flaws rather than the flaws they declare are your own. If the abuse is bad enough you have found your way to researching it, there is likely nothing you can do that will correct the intrinsic decay. You can do everything you possibly can and it will never be enough. Instead of blaming yourself for failing as they do, accept it isn't your fault and let go knowing you've done enough. Beware other abusers who tend to recognize abuse victims as vulnerable. Take your time to heal before jumping into a relationship. Know that your successes count and you are far more capable than they will ever acknowledge. Know that perfection is not necessary for satisfaction and sufficient effort. Good enough is a great place to start and as long as you are trying, you are already there. Explore you interests. Try new things. Allow yourself to experience life. Watch the life and community around you to see options you never knew existed, particularly when considering employment and career possibilities. Now go make your life the life you've dreamed of having. ~ Aspen

Qs for ACONs J#1: How has narcissism affected you?

• Affected what type of man I was attracted to. Not good until I learned. ~ Lone Star

• I have very little self esteem. I feel like I don't matter, my needs don't matter, my contributions don't matter. I'd like to be invisible. When people say kind things, no matter how sincere or well deserved, I cannot accept these compliments. They roll off of me, like water off a duck. For example, on Sunday a member of the Stake presidency told me how outstanding my son is. He truly is, but I said "thank you, but I can't take credit. He had good seminary teachers and YM leaders." Pres. H insisted that I did deserve much of the credit, but that's very, very tough for me to acknowledge.~Elsa. (Since Let it Go is my life's anthem.)

• My issues are very similar to Elsa, and we grew up with the same NM and NS, but I actually did feel invisible growing up. I was the oldest, but much older, and always felt like I was watching a program I wasn't actually part of. Some of it was too painful to watch, and the rest of it just left me feeling like I wanted my life to be somewhere else. I've also also always lived with a never fixable sense of loss. Elsa coming back in my life has done a great deal to help heal that feeling of loss. ~ Anna

• I always feel like I am invisible to people and like I won't be remembered. I feel confused like I am lost in space when I am around that type of personality. I felt like my thoughts were being read by my N.M. and I had no privacy around her. I felt like a prisoner since I was at least 8 yrs of age crying grateful that I only had 10 more years before I could leave home which I did do at 18. ~ Angel Wings

• Narcissism attacks their victims' perception of self and their place in the world. In a religious context, it also undermines our ability to have a healthy relationship with God. This happens on multiple fronts. If you are always being told not to bother people, praying means you are bothering God. When even your basic needs as a child are resentfully and minimally fulfilled, it becomes very hard to feel like you can ask for/pray for anything beyond what you absolutely have to have to survive. When the narc uses (abuses) their claim to authority (D&C 121:34-40), those behavior patterns are then anticipated in other authority figures and those in similar positions as the abuser. That is part of the PTSD that commonly occurs in child abuse. In my case, my sense of God often distorts from the gentle, patient, kind being to an all-powerful version of the dominant narc in my life. And that is a terrifying concept. I've been working on changing that pattern by choosing to believe myself instead of what the programming declares, but it takes work. That is actually integral to overcoming the abuse on all fronts. Part of narc abuse is something called gas-lighting, which means they actively work to undermine the victim's sense of reality. The more they can train us to doubt ourselves, the more control they have. Overall, it has meant I have had minimal support throughout life and now no contact with any family since they have either adopted narcissism themselves, are enablers, or want to hide from the fact that the family dynamics are rotten to the core. ~ Aspen