I am well aware that
there will be those who will read this to find not what they can learn from
this but what they can condemn. That is a sad, pitiful world to inhabit, but it
is their choice to do so.
My purposes in
sharing these writings and thoughts lie in the hopes that for those who have
first-hand experience with the realities found within, they will find the
comfort and strength that comes in knowing they are not alone in dealing with
the difficulties these realities result in. Also, for those who are secondary
witnesses or perhaps completely oblivious to the nightmares of those around
them, that by seeing the emotions felt during, and by reading the further
perspective, explanations, and lessons beyond and throughout, they will take a
position that will support and aid rather than neglect, inhibit, or harm those
already so dearly taxed.
The following are
selections from what I have long called my 'poem journal'. They show the
focused intensity of thoughts and feelings that had no other recourse for
expression during the early years of my fight to break free - physically, emotionally, and psychologically
- from the effects of an abusive home. The poems show the ups and downs and
what I consider my sheer stubborn-ness to not be broken by a nightmare few can
comprehend. The second, or response, part for each poem is by way of
encouragement, explanation for those who are clueless to these realities, and
teaching of truths I've learned throughout all of this.
Towards the poem end
of this journal writing, I had my first contact with, or perhaps simply my
first awareness of, a person who had been through similar abuse and
manipulation. She was teaching a lesson at church and some of the things she
spoke of were things I had long felt and thought but had never heard anyone
else express before. Even now, years later, it is hard to express how that
made, and still makes, me feel - to realize that I wasn't isolated in a world
no one could understand. It was almost as if, by seeing that someone else had
been and was dealing with the same reality of sorts, there was a doorway out of
the solitary confinement and isolation abuse creates. To that end, I hope that
this can help others who may not have yet found that same escape route to
freedom. I can't say everything's better now, but considering where I was from
the thought patterns of the abused, I am so much further that it's almost like
discovering a new world. It's a little scary, but also a lot exciting.
The scriptures and
poems and thoughts are not separated by intended audience, be it for those in
the nightmare, those leaving, or those who do not have experience with such
things. I have long been taught in classes that we get the most learning when
we give the most effort. There are many thoughts and concepts considered that
will have value to a variety of situations and people and it is my hope that
they will be pondered with an open heart with an eye to what can be learned.
There is a
predominance of attention paid to physical and sexual abuse, as well attention
should be paid, but there is a sad element of disbelief towards emotional,
psychological, even spiritual abuse. During the later years, as I began to
recognize that there was a problem at home, I would sometimes try to tell
people of various upsetting events. Most often, those people would look at me
like I was whining about nothing legitimate. They couldn't understand that
constant 'little' events with no one to step in and counter the damage being
done leads to total undermining of self-hood. And despite the fact that some
will read this and think it fabrication or exaggeration, I know for a fact that
it can cause death completely apart from suicide. It nearly killed me.
It was somewhere
around the beginning of 2007 on my way to work early one morning. I was
stopped, the first in line, at a stoplight of a busy highway intersection.
Behind me a car honked. When at a stoplight and someone behind you honks, what
does it mean? It means you need to pay attention, the light is green, and you
need to go so you're not holding others back. I looked at the light and it was
red. But there had been a honk and I was so constantly over-written and
over-ruled at home that any trust in myself and my perceptions was
unsustainable in the face of contrary opinion. The two minutes between the horn
honk and the light finally, actually turning green held the absolute hardest
battle of my life to keep my foot on the break and not enter the intersection
where I would have surely been killed. I was shaking for days after because of
how hard it had been to hold to what my eyes told me when my brain kept telling
me that if someone had honked I must be seeing things wrong, it must really be
green and not red like I thought I saw.
So if you are
inclined to minimize non-physical abuse, you may want to step back and try
broadening your perceptions. It may be that there is one in your life who is in
desperate need of support and a countering voice to the destruction from which they can't yet escape.
