32: No Arms

2 Nephi 1:15

But behold, the Lord hath redeemed my soul from hell; I have beheld his glory,

and am encircled about eternally in the arms of his love.

No Arms

2/6/08

I have no arms to pull me home

No arms to pull me safely in

No place of peace to rest my heart

No endless refuge from the storm.

No arms to shield me from the pain

Or hold away a threatening for

No arms to wipe the tired tears

Or wait for mournful sobs to slow.

I have no arms to claim my own

That wish to hold me ever near

No arms to share a loving warmth

To hold me close to someone dear.

(3/26/12 - 2 Nephi 1:15 - Ensign April '12)

"The Loving Arms of Christ"

see 'Arms of Love'

For a long time I particularly treasured hugs because it made me feel like if someone was actually willing to touch me then I must not be so horrible as I'd been made to feel. Just as I sought comfort being wrapped in my blanket the day I found my mother dead, I have sensed a security and comfort intimated in being held close by another. I have longed for that feeling to be proven real. It means welcome and acceptance and concern and love and protection and I have craved that reality for so long.

A bit over four years after writing this particular poem, the Lord showed me that while I've not had an actual person filling that role, He has ever been there with His arms stretched out in my need and He has held me close in His care. When I read the words that spoke these thoughts I knew immediately the Lord was answering this poem's prayer. Someday I will also have a husband and a home and a family and I will not only have the arms to hold me close but I will also be able to hold them close as well. In the meantime, I must be content to share what hugs I can with others.

30: Free to live

1 Corinthians 12:20-22, 25-26

20 But now are they many members, yet but one body.

21 And the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of thee: nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of you.

22 Nay, much more those members of the body, which seem to be more feeble are necessary:

25 That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another.

26 And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it.

Free to live

12/30/07

This path I entered years ago

Has come at last to end

And now I stand with aching heart

But joy for my lost friend.

I walked the path the Lord bade me

In faith, though strength did fade

But faith proved true and through the end

With honor have I stayed.

So now my path's to be my own

And free I am to live

To walk, and wish, and will, and want

All God's blessing He will give.

It felt like I had lost a friend in leaving family behind. Truth is, it was more an imagined ideal I had hoped for that was lost. Family should love and care about each other; what makes each person special and unique coming together in a unity of love and respect.

It was not so, but I can do all I can to someday build a family like I wished so much mine had been.

5: Love me, and I will be free

D & C 121:45-46

45 Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men,and to the household of faith,and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly;then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God;...

46 The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, …and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever.

Love me, and I will be free

 8/24/05

Speak for me - I have no voice.

Listen to me - hear the words my heart can't speak of yet.

Care about me - let me know it's possible for people to do so.

Pray for me - lend me wings to help me fly.

Search for me - I'm lost on my own.

Stay with me - teach me the things I could not learn.

Love me, and I will learn and grow and become what neither of us supposed.

And I will be free.

Oh, how I wished that this would be understood by others. This is a recipe of needs that, if met, would enable great healing for so many people. Reading it now, it seems to hold the elements of charity and this makes great sense, for who would not find healing when embraced by the pure love of Christ? For me, when there was not anyone around to help me feel that, I held to prayer and scripture study as my life-line. They promised hope. They let me feel not alone.  Indeed, for a time, I imagined the Holy Ghost as my special friend so I would not feel so alone. May we prove more aware of those around us so that others will not have to be alone. In doing so, we will discover that we are no longer alone, either.

2: Alone in my Dreams

Haggai 1:13

Then spake Haggai the Lord's messenger

in the Lord's message unto the people,

saying, I am with you, saith the Lord.

Alone in my Dreams

8/3/05

I dream sometimes when I'm alone

Of home, of peace, and, yes, of love

But dreams are not and still I'm here

Seeing, I am unseen

Loving, I'm unloved

Remembering yet forgotten.

I live, and times I'm torn in two

Fighting the urge just to dream

Lost from the home I cannot find

Looking - still lost

Dreaming for hope

Living, I am alone.

And so I dream what life may be

Crying tears no one cares to see

Praying my dreams will come true

Laughing and loving

A home of my own

Never alone again.

In a word, this expresses the isolation felt by one caught in bad situations with no comprehend-able prospect for escape.  It seems not very surprising to me that people in such circumstances turn to ways that are not considered acceptable to fill the void and counter the terror of being so completely without control, be it drugs, gangs, dangerous sexual activity, and other worrisome coping mechanisms.