15: Into the Setting Sun

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-12

1 to every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4 A time to weep, and time to laugh; a time to mourn, and time to dance;

5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;

6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?

10 I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.

11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

12 I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.

Into the Setting Sun

12/4/05

The sun drifts down

Trailing ribbons of color

It's fleeing brilliance

Sets the world in relief

As it draws a blanket of

Stillness over the land.

Perhaps that is why

My heart is always drawn

Westward into the setting sun,

Wanting the light to return

To warm a troubled heart

To share the hidden beauties

To give light and life to all.

But the sun's path is set

And I must wait it's return.

I thank God that

In the dark of its absence

I learn to love

The light and life he brings.

Letting go is hard at times and it is often beyond our ability to control. But I think rather than settling into depression at a loss, it is better to consider what it provided and then turn yourself around to welcome the new opportunities afforded at the rising of a new day. It is by learning to recognize the value and beauty in what has passed that we can learn to recognize the potential in what is coming.

Joy In the Morning, by Natalie Sleeth

I prefer the recording I have of this song, but this was the best option of all the ones on YouTube. (The Judson University one came second.)

I've loved this song for years since singing it in high school and even learned how to play it, though it's been years since I've had piano access. This song was one of the very first on the playlist that helped me feel hope.

14: No More

2 Nephi 26: 32-33

32 And again, the Lord God hath commanded that men should not murder; that they should not lie; that they should not steal; that they should not take the name of the Lord their God in vain; that they should not envy; that they should not have malice; that they should not contend one with another; that they should not commit whoredoms; and that they should do none of these; for whoso doeth them shall perish.

33 For none of these iniquities come of the Lord; for he doeth that which is good among the children of men; and he inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and Gentile.

No More

11/23/05

I play a part

I would not play

But have no choice right now

Placed on a stage

That is unsafe

I yearn to leave somehow.

You see, the part

Is who I am

But others like it not

Be true to me

Do what they want

My part's frustration wrought.

My hope is soon

This stage I'll leave

Some 'part' to play no more

Be free to live

To do, to be

Be safe on my own shore.

With my family, at least, they have held a great desire to appear perfect. My leaving has been a thorn in their side they've mostly seemed to accept mainly because I won't let them into my life anymore. What minimal contact I had with select individuals has, however, made me aware of the displeasure that I'm not allowing the family to fit the desired projected image.

But this has baffled me from the beginning for I've a life-time of experience that says they have no interest or care in me or what makes me me. My listening to hymns on my own time made me a fanatic. My going to all my church meetings somehow meant I was trying to be better than them but really I was just a 'self-righteous-hypocrite Pharisee and you know what Christ thought of them'. My interests were belittled and my character traits mocked. My only purpose out of making their picture as they pleased was to be the family Cinderella. That always was my favorite fairy tale…

If there is ever to be a building of relationship between myself and the other siblings, it will have to be on a one-on-one basis of friendship. I have trouble imagining that, though. I doubt they'd pay any attention if we didn't have blood tying us together. However it may be, they will simply have to live with who I am. I will not play to the whims of others at the expense of my own well-being any more.

13: Words

2 Samuel 22:37

Thou hast enlarged my steps under me; so that my feet did not slip.

Words

11/22/05

The words have gone, but deep inside I know I must write on.

Past pages speak

The dream held long within

Thoughts, hopes and fears

All spoken yet again

A future near yet out of sight

My heart longs to begin.

Soon I will tread

That hallowed path

Unknown what it will bring,

My path my own

Where I belong

To finally live my dream.

The peace inside

Holds still my heart

But this time, not in dread

This time I know

Instead of pain

My home still lays ahead.

The time long short

Draws to a close

Past strength spent and reborn

Yet here I am

To walk the path

Once entryway is shown.

It has become a recognizable pattern in my life that life and stress levels stay high enough for long enough that I fear I'll burn out until I'm terrified I'll somehow fail everything because I can't manage it all. I get to a point where I plead with Heavenly Father to make it stop so I don't fail and then He blesses me with strength to continue. Further down the road I wear out again and finally hit the point where I just don't have the energy to care anymore and I decide that I'll do what I can, but if everything falls apart, then so be it. And every time that happens, instead of falling apart, things finally start to fall together and it is suddenly not so hard anymore.

12: Sharing hopes with a friend

Proverbs17:17

A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

Sharing hopes with a friend

10/20/05

In my mind I see a picture

In my heart I feel a peace

A future inexpressible

On life, a whole new lease.

My life is out there, waiting

As my future comes to view

I could spend so much time sharing

All my hopes and dreams with you.

Now I know my life is only one

Of many; Yes, I see

But I'm ever so excited

For the things I know can be.

Perhaps in listening you'd find

That I would listen too

Should you share your hopes and dreams

The things that make you you.

For friends should share each other's joys

Their sorrow, hope, and pain

And stand, united, always

In trust and love unfeigned.

So forgive me if I ramble

On the joys I sense to come

For I would love to hear of you -

Your all, and then still some.

For friends we are and always

Stand tall, and strong, and true

I thank God daily, that I have

Such a friend in You!

Oh, how I wished I had a real friend, a reliable friend. Mature enough to see and accept the hard realities I've had to handle and true enough that they would  allow me to prove myself a friend in return.

Friends during my first 25 years did not exactly qualify as friends. Many, too immature to understand or too self-centered to care, stated blandly that I just wasn't worth being a friend to - that I must just not want to be happy.  Considering the abuse and also the strain of responsibility in caring for an ill mother till I discovered her dead one morning and also caring for younger siblings for years through high school and early college, I think it's fair to say I should not have been condemned for being on an emotional roller-coaster.

The truth is, I have trouble looking at 98% of the people I knew before I left the town I lived in as friends. Even the ones I talked to with regularity are strangers to me because I know they have no idea what was really going on. The me they thought they knew is not who I was or am and so it feels false the few times I've tried to talk to any of them. I also know that because abuse is so often hidden from the view of those not living in it, it is hard for the clueless to accept the truth. And the truth for me is that I'm not looking to make a big deal out of it for attention or revenge or pity and I do not like pointless confrontation so it's easiest just to let the dead stay dead.

11: I cry (unfinished)

Luke 10: 30-37

30 And Jesus answering said, A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.

31 And by chance there came down a certain priest that way: and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side.
32 And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side.
33 But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him,
34 And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him.
35 And on the morrow when he departed, he took out two pence, and gave them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him; and whatsoever thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee.
36 Which now of these three, thinkest thou, was neighbour unto him that fell among the thieves?
37 And he said, He that shewed mercy on him. Then said Jesus unto him, Go, and do thou likewise.

I cry (unfinished)

10/15/05

I cry inside the tears I cannot show

And fight the fears that only seem to grow

I fight the pain that comes but will not go

To save myself from worse should someone know.

And still I dream of better things to come

Of hopes, and dreams, and joys, and even fun

Of starry nights, of cloud and rain, or sun

Safe home that's free, of peace and warmth and love.

But here I'm trapped and fail to hide the pain

Of blows that keep coming time and time again

This was a rough weekend. It went in cycles at home where things would kind of be calm for a while and then the tensions would build till I was on edge always wondering just when the explosion would occur and what would trigger it. I'd been feeling it all week and this was what came out that Saturday. The mental and emotional full-frontal attack came the next night lasting well into the morning hours. I nearly missed a critical appointment the next morning due to the total exhaustion left from it. Thankfully, one of the people I have had available at times for support was there to mitigate the further potential strain and even relieve the strain that was there.

I was part of a committee on campus and we had a big activity specific to our group that day. Being part of the presidency, I had been there during the morning to help prepare before the rest came. During down time while food was cooking the others went who knows where and I tried to calm my spirit's stress by playing on the piano in one of the rooms. It did not help as much as it usually would. So I started writing. This was the result. It helped more. But I was still only minimally responsive to others all that day as the weight of the coming attack was such that I could not contain it and be social. None of them had a clue. But then it would have been hard to see it as the stress was so much during this time that I was constantly fighting to keep it all under wraps. So it wouldn't have looked all that different from what they had seen of me.

10: One Thread

D&C 64: 10-11

10 I, the Lord will forgive whom I will forgive

 but of you it is required to forgive all men.

11 And ye ought to say in your hearts --

let God judge between me and thee,

and reward thee according to thy deeds.

One Thread

10/4-5/05

Much to say, what to tell?

How to show where I've been?

Pick a thread, follow it through it's way

Many good, some are not

And this thread holds much pain

But this thread wove my world day by day.

I must unloose this thread

And replace as I go

Lest I unravel and, in shreds, fall

And prevent, as I can

From more thread being laid

As it gathers all up in a ball.

What to do with the ball?

Cut it off and away

And continue to loose as I go

Till it's gone and I'm free

From the chains of that thread

Free to be, free to live, free to grow.

Many have condemned me

For effects this thread has caused

Blind to see that I could not control

Where or how it got placed

When I too could not see

But the pain and the fear of my soul.

So confused at more pain

And still trying to be

The best everyone else thought I should

It was never enough

As it never can be

Still I tried to do all that I could.

Then I looked back and saw

How this thread shaped my life

And, at first, thought it must be my fault

But it's not, and I've tried

Just to lay fault aside

And to focus on loosing this knot.

Some remnants may escape

My split concentration

As I both treat and try to prevent

But the process moves on

And I'm closer each day

As I learn from what all this has meant.

So I see all the threads

But this one I must change

To no longer hurt me or my dreams

For new dreams I now see

As I learn the true me

And the hope of my future redeems.

I have had many people try to tell me that I must repent and/or forgive those involved in my home situation when the hard memories call back emotional responses. The truth is that forgiveness is not the issue in my case as I'm so empathetic I cry when fictional characters face death or great loss or pain. I'm merely reacting with empathy to my own memories of pain. Crazy weird, I know. But it brings up the issue of forgiveness. Many people seem to think that forgiveness means feeling and acting like nothing bad happened - a warm, fuzzy, I love you, you love me kind of feeling. That if you just flip the switch everything will be ok again - in you, with the offending persons, with God. I see forgiveness in a different way. 

Forgiveness is letting go of vengefulness for the wrongs of the past, leaving correction in God's hands, and moving on with your own life. While a discussion on why our standing in the way of someone else receiving of the Savior's atonement because we were offended is a good one to ponder, it is the moving on element that sets you free. It does not mean staying in an unhealthy environment. But it does mean that you take charge of your future and face forward instead of walking backwards blind in life because you refuse to put it aside. Often I find myself glad I don't have to be the judge of people. But it also occurs to me that no one will give a better judgment and exact a more appropriate price on those who have offended than God. Those who merit mercy will receive it and those who do not will find they have a rude awakening.

Forgiveness is accepting that the Lord will make recompense for the wrongs done and accepting that the debt then becomes between the offender and the Lord.

9: Ready

Proverbs 3: 5-6

5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart;

and lean not unto thine own understanding.

6 In all thy ways acknowledge him,

and he shall direct thy path.

Ready

9/16/05

He told me, "Be ready;

It's coming your way."

For what? I don't know

Or when? I can't say.

I see more pieces crumble

And in my heart I pray

That I may help someone

Who needs me on their way.

There is freedom, hope, and joy outside

Which can't be found within

And those who would restrain

Can't see what costs their win.

Pain, fear, and guilt, and anger

Employed to get his way

Is it really any wonder

Why we would not choose to stay?

Meanwhile, I stand ready

For the rest, I could not tell

But here I stand and I must trust

In God all will be well.

It is curious that this poem came roughly a year before my last real contact with home. The year before had been horribly difficult to survive as I had stayed one final year at home beyond what my personal intentions and desires were. Though hard, that final year was a great blessing for it taught me that, in my personal case, it wouldn't matter how hard I tried to make them happy - it would never be enough for them. When Heavenly Father finally said it was enough for Him and I could be done with it all, I was able to walk away without any second-guessing or wondering whether, if I had just tried harder, maybe things would finally have gotten better. Instead, having stayed in the house, and after, in general contact for another year or so, I was free to leave and have had no need to look back.

As this poem shows, Heavenly Father was preparing me for separation even before I was fully aware it was coming. The first months of this particular year in question I found myself disturbed and concerned at whether I could think of anything positive taught me by my father that wasn't tainted with manipulation or twisted doctrine or hateful or degrading commentary. It took a month of pondering but I finally managed a handful of untainted memories. That Father's Day, while trying to think what to give, I felt prompted to write him a letter sharing those memories (minus the fact they were the only ones like that…). I distinctly remember the feeling that it would be the only opportunity to share them with him. I did not understand why that was at the time, but I wrote it and gave it to him anyway. I can't say its reception was laudable, but those feelings and later events proved that Heavenly Father knew what was coming and was preparing for it even without my understanding.

8: My Path

D&C 121: 37-39

37 … but when we undertake to cover our sins, or gratify our pride, our vain ambitions, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man.

38 Behold, ere he is aware, he is left unto himself, to kick against the pricks, to persecute the saints, and to fight against God.

39 We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion.

My Path

8/31/05

I'm tired of this pain

Tired of fear I have to hide

Tired of sadness and 'reality' saying, 'Get real'.

I'm tired of exhaustion,

Of fear, of nay-saying.

'Reality' isn't yet even real.

Leave me be you who say

That my hopes are all vain

You know not of that which you speak

So leave me this day

Leave me, Tiredness and Pain

Leave me to that which I seek.

My path is my own

Leave me be, let me go

It is My future, My dream, My faith

It is My way, not yours

Though you still will not see

I MUST, and WILL, follow My path.

I find myself chuckling as I read this. What I call my 'sheer stubborn-ness', my refusal to be beaten, is finding voice herein. Part of the difficulties I've had to face and am even still working to overcome is a submissiveness to supposed 'authority' that was used against me at home to control not only what I did but what I thought and felt. If I was told I did such and such for such and such a reason and 'how shameful' I would be horrified for days, even weeks that I could be so… bad. After some time and space from the acting party, i.e. days or weeks, I would finally remember the actual circumstances. It was never the distorted and blackened scenario I had been condemned for. I have made great progress in being able to not only hold onto my own thoughts and feelings in the face of false dictation, but am even beginning to think and feel contrary and even speak contrary to expectation. What's more, I'm also starting to be able to do so without feeling an overwhelming fear that I'm being horrible for doing so.

This has taken many years. It is why I am particularly pleased at what feels to my manipulated psyche as rebellion finding expression so strongly even when I was still actively fighting the weakness I'd been trained to. It was a rare thing to occur. It is both defiance to abusive and dominating home and to temptation I refused to claim enticing to self-destruction. I refused to ruin my life just to try to get a response from people who wouldn't care and would just use it as proof that I was a bad egg. I suppose that is the one element in which I actually am competitive: not with people, but with negative temptation. We choose by our actions where we will go after this life and I will not lose my chances no matter what the devil may think he has to say on the matter. Home may have been the biggest weakness to tempt self-destruct, but I refuse to answer that call. And with years of time and space of separation, the threat level has gone from 99% down to maybe 8%. And it feels so good.

7: Nowhere Else

St Luke 9:57-58

57 And it came to pass, that, as they went in the way,

a certain man said unto him,

Lord, I will follow thee whithersoever thou goest.

58 And Jesus said unto him,

Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests;

but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head.

Nowhere Else

8/31/05

I'm trying to right

My upside-down world

Left alone to discover this path

No one to walk with

To say, 'Yes, that's right'

No one to shield me from wrath.

Someone once told me

I must walk alone

For now, that is what I must do

So I walk alone

Though, perhaps, he is wrong

Until then, still I walk, shoe by shoe.

I walk ever on

Hoping I walk aright

Past people who claim that they care

I must trust that they do

Though I still walk alone

Having nowhere else, somehow I'll get there.

Boyz II Men "I Will Get There"

I have a number of play-lists of songs I find encouraging or for purging sadness and emotional fatigue. (I tend to process the emotions better if I allow myself to feel them until I don't need to so melancholy songs make the list as well.) As I was first typing in this particular poem, I left myself a note that one of those songs reminds me of this poem, or perhaps the other way around. It is from The Prince of Egypt soundtrack by Boyz II Men titled "I Will Get There". It speaks of being in chains but being determined to break free no matter what it takes, that even when it all seems dark, of continuing to try and holding onto faith that ultimately the sun will shine again and the far side of the trial will be obtained.

It seems hard that so much of it seemed so alone and in many cases truly was. I would often have to have imaginary conversations with people I knew to try to figure out what was going on and how to handle all of it since I knew everyone I knew was too busy to be bothered with my baffling world. Honestly, I don't think many would have been of much help unless they'd come from a similar background and could recognize what was happening since it's taken me so many years further to begin to understand it myself. But even then, each person must walk their own path through life making theirs own decisions along the way. And we will be judged according to our choices whether or not we had the ideal circumstances. The Lord will indeed be merciful and judge us with the full comprehension of what we've had to work with, but we must not let our difficulties become an excuse to falter in the intention of our hearts. Standing or walking alone is not an excuse to act against what we know is right.

*I felt like I needed to break the schedule and set this next one up early. Then I saw which one it was. At this very moment I know someone who is ill and one night away from being homeless. So I'm posting this early, too, because I hope something in this will help give her courage and comfort.

6: Soon

D&C 121:7-8

7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity

and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt

thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

Soon

8/29/05

He tells me soon

My heart's afraid

Of pain I soon must face

A life apart

From one long loved

Hope denied that blessed place.

I've tried so long

Yet times I thought

It time to let home go

But He said, "Wait -

Keep holding on,

My wisdom I will show."

And so I trust

As long I've tried

And work to hush my fears

And wait and hope

That I will not

Have need to dry more tears.

Soon… The two thoughts that come to mind in relation to this poem cover both ends of the spectrum. First is a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon I remember seeing years ago. Calvin was musing that if God gives us things in our lives to accomplish and overcome then God must think an awful lot of him. (Also that Calvin would live forever since his slacker self would take forever to get it done.) This in turn reminds me of 1 Corinthians 10:13. "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

So often in the midst of trials and difficulties it becomes easy to say I can only do this much, or to think I can't handle any more. It was always around those times when I was focused on the idea that it would be over 'soon'. Truly, in the Lord's view of eternity it is soon, but to the mortal perspective, it often does not feel that way. That is why it is so important to hold on to the faith that if the mountain's blocking your path and  Heavenly Father doesn't move it out of your way, then He will give you the strength to conquer it. I've found it helps to focus on one step at a time during the blocks of being overwhelmed and discouraged… Then, when you find yourself with a little more strength than you had before, you can look up and realize just how far you have actually come.

5: Love me, and I will be free

D & C 121:45-46

45 Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men,and to the household of faith,and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly;then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God;...

46 The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, …and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever.

Love me, and I will be free

 8/24/05

Speak for me - I have no voice.

Listen to me - hear the words my heart can't speak of yet.

Care about me - let me know it's possible for people to do so.

Pray for me - lend me wings to help me fly.

Search for me - I'm lost on my own.

Stay with me - teach me the things I could not learn.

Love me, and I will learn and grow and become what neither of us supposed.

And I will be free.

Oh, how I wished that this would be understood by others. This is a recipe of needs that, if met, would enable great healing for so many people. Reading it now, it seems to hold the elements of charity and this makes great sense, for who would not find healing when embraced by the pure love of Christ? For me, when there was not anyone around to help me feel that, I held to prayer and scripture study as my life-line. They promised hope. They let me feel not alone.  Indeed, for a time, I imagined the Holy Ghost as my special friend so I would not feel so alone. May we prove more aware of those around us so that others will not have to be alone. In doing so, we will discover that we are no longer alone, either.

4: The Place Where I Belong

D&C 78:17-20

17 Verily, verily, I say unto you, ye are little children, and ye have not as yet understood how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you;

18 And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours.

19 And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more.

20 Wherefore, do the things which I have commanded you, saith your Redeemer... who prepareth all things before he taketh you;

The Place Where I Belong

8/3/05

I lose myself to the world

In book, in dreams, in thought, in song

The world could care less to be lost of me

For the world is not where I belong.

For so long I have hid from the world's disregard

That I woke and knew not where to turn

Now I find myself in this place on my own

Yet, though alone, here, I know that I belong.

Here I can live by the truth that I seek

Here I can serve, every day, every week

Here I have peace, I have hope, I have song

Here is the place I belong.

There is a feeling of safety and peace and welcome found on temple grounds that has provided strength and security when no other source has been available. These last three poems were all written one evening as I sat on the Ogden Utah Temple grounds since I felt too overwhelmed to face going home. I do not go to the temple every day, and no longer every week, but even when no one else there knows who I am or what I may be struggling with, I and any service I'm able to manage is welcome without second guessing or judging. Indeed, I have often found a sometimes overwhelming amount of care given, perhaps as I am so unused to such attention.

3: The Road to Happiness

Mark 10:16

And he took them up in his arms,

put his hands upon them,

and blessed them.

The Road to Happiness

8/3/05

The path to happiness is not an easy road

There is blistering heat and mind-numbing chills

There is loneliness, defeat, and, at times, despair.

But you can't let claim the victory.

Fight! Stand strong! Move forward!

There are joys amid the pain

Relief from aching heart

Peace defeats distress

Hope in spite of despair

Remember who you are and remember why you're here!

God loves us and He cares.

And we must all travel this road if we are to return to His loving embrace.

For that is where Happiness is.

No matter how low everything has been and felt and appeared, there has always been this voice inside of me that refuses to give up. And even when it seems unfathomable that God could be in the twisted reality seen all around and also ignored all around by those who weren't faced by it, the core of me has always clung to the truth above and that even if I couldn't see it, life was supposed to be good and if I just held on, all things would eventually find correction and resolution and the goodness of life I fought for would be found.

The scriptures have probably done the most in helping me hold onto this core belief. John  5:39 states, "Search the scriptures; for in them you think ye have eternal life: and they are they which testify of me." Not everything will apply at every moment, but if you live well before the Lord, you will find guidance to the things that will help you keep going. For me, that has been encouragement, or promises, or recognition of my own situation. 'Fear not', 'I will be with you', 'My peace I leave with you', and 'every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters or father, or mother… for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.'

2: Alone in my Dreams

Haggai 1:13

Then spake Haggai the Lord's messenger

in the Lord's message unto the people,

saying, I am with you, saith the Lord.

Alone in my Dreams

8/3/05

I dream sometimes when I'm alone

Of home, of peace, and, yes, of love

But dreams are not and still I'm here

Seeing, I am unseen

Loving, I'm unloved

Remembering yet forgotten.

I live, and times I'm torn in two

Fighting the urge just to dream

Lost from the home I cannot find

Looking - still lost

Dreaming for hope

Living, I am alone.

And so I dream what life may be

Crying tears no one cares to see

Praying my dreams will come true

Laughing and loving

A home of my own

Never alone again.

In a word, this expresses the isolation felt by one caught in bad situations with no comprehend-able prospect for escape.  It seems not very surprising to me that people in such circumstances turn to ways that are not considered acceptable to fill the void and counter the terror of being so completely without control, be it drugs, gangs, dangerous sexual activity, and other worrisome coping mechanisms.

1: A World Not My Own

D&C 61:36

And now, verily I say unto you, and what I say unto

one I say unto all, be of good cheer, little children;

for I am in your midst, and I have not forsaken you;

A World Not My Own

~7/30, 10/22/05

I do not belong in this world not my own

Although many insist there's no other

Yet still I can sense it, separate and pure

That world promised me by my Brother.

I cannot achieve it enslaved as I am

To confusions I cannot escape

So often surrounded by anger, disgust

Then something like love do they drape.

I know not what to do, confused as I am

I simply listen and try to obey

And trust that the Lord will help guide me home

Though I seem to forget every day.

Still I walk ever onward as best I know how

And pray that I'm walking aright

That the Lord will continue to guide me each day

And grant both clear mind and clear sight.

It was not until after high school ended that I began to recognize the problems that existed at home. To me, it feels like Heavenly Father made it so I would not understand so that I would be protected while still legally dependent. But even not understanding, it was still rough. I was not happy but I didn't know why, let alone how anything could be done about it. Indeed, I tried to prevent remembering how hard it was by avoiding the keeping of a journal. I did not truly start one until the year after my mother died. When the feelings were more than I could write regularly, they came out in poem form. This amuses me as I've never been all that fond of poetry, but perhaps it makes sense that poets tend to be those processing strong emotion.

Introduction

I am well aware that there will be those who will read this to find not what they can learn from this but what they can condemn. That is a sad, pitiful world to inhabit, but it is their choice to do so.

My purposes in sharing these writings and thoughts lie in the hopes that for those who have first-hand experience with the realities found within, they will find the comfort and strength that comes in knowing they are not alone in dealing with the difficulties these realities result in. Also, for those who are secondary witnesses or perhaps completely oblivious to the nightmares of those around them, that by seeing the emotions felt during, and by reading the further perspective, explanations, and lessons beyond and throughout, they will take a position that will support and aid rather than neglect, inhibit, or harm those already so dearly taxed.

The following are selections from what I have long called my 'poem journal'. They show the focused intensity of thoughts and feelings that had no other recourse for expression during the early years of my fight to break free -  physically, emotionally, and psychologically - from the effects of an abusive home. The poems show the ups and downs and what I consider my sheer stubborn-ness to not be broken by a nightmare few can comprehend. The second, or response, part for each poem is by way of encouragement, explanation for those who are clueless to these realities, and teaching of truths I've learned throughout all of this.

Towards the poem end of this journal writing, I had my first contact with, or perhaps simply my first awareness of, a person who had been through similar abuse and manipulation. She was teaching a lesson at church and some of the things she spoke of were things I had long felt and thought but had never heard anyone else express before. Even now, years later, it is hard to express how that made, and still makes, me feel - to realize that I wasn't isolated in a world no one could understand. It was almost as if, by seeing that someone else had been and was dealing with the same reality of sorts, there was a doorway out of the solitary confinement and isolation abuse creates. To that end, I hope that this can help others who may not have yet found that same escape route to freedom. I can't say everything's better now, but considering where I was from the thought patterns of the abused, I am so much further that it's almost like discovering a new world. It's a little scary, but also a lot exciting.

The scriptures and poems and thoughts are not separated by intended audience, be it for those in the nightmare, those leaving, or those who do not have experience with such things. I have long been taught in classes that we get the most learning when we give the most effort. There are many thoughts and concepts considered that will have value to a variety of situations and people and it is my hope that they will be pondered with an open heart with an eye to what can be learned.

There is a predominance of attention paid to physical and sexual abuse, as well attention should be paid, but there is a sad element of disbelief towards emotional, psychological, even spiritual abuse. During the later years, as I began to recognize that there was a problem at home, I would sometimes try to tell people of various upsetting events. Most often, those people would look at me like I was whining about nothing legitimate. They couldn't understand that constant 'little' events with no one to step in and counter the damage being done leads to total undermining of self-hood. And despite the fact that some will read this and think it fabrication or exaggeration, I know for a fact that it can cause death completely apart from suicide. It nearly killed me.

It was somewhere around the beginning of 2007 on my way to work early one morning. I was stopped, the first in line, at a stoplight of a busy highway intersection. Behind me a car honked. When at a stoplight and someone behind you honks, what does it mean? It means you need to pay attention, the light is green, and you need to go so you're not holding others back. I looked at the light and it was red. But there had been a honk and I was so constantly over-written and over-ruled at home that any trust in myself and my perceptions was unsustainable in the face of contrary opinion. The two minutes between the horn honk and the light finally, actually turning green held the absolute hardest battle of my life to keep my foot on the break and not enter the intersection where I would have surely been killed. I was shaking for days after because of how hard it had been to hold to what my eyes told me when my brain kept telling me that if someone had honked I must be seeing things wrong, it must really be green and not red like I thought I saw.

So if you are inclined to minimize non-physical abuse, you may want to step back and try broadening your perceptions. It may be that there is one in your life who is in desperate need of support and a countering voice to the destruction from which they can't yet escape.