Thursday, December 31, 2015

15: Into the Setting Sun

1 to every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 A time to weep, and time to laugh; a time to mourn, and time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?
10 I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.
11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.
12 I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.


Into the Setting Sun

12/4/05

The sun drifts down
Trailing ribbons of color
It's fleeing brilliance
Sets the world in relief
As it draws a blanket of
Stillness over the land.

Perhaps that is why
My heart is always drawn
Westward into the setting sun,
Wanting the light to return
To warm a troubled heart
To share the hidden beauties
To give light and life to all.

But the sun's path is set
And I must wait it's return.
I thank God that
In the dark of its absence
I learn to love
The light and life he brings.


Letting go is hard at times and it is often beyond our ability to control. But I think rather than settling into depression at a loss, it is better to consider what it provided and then turn yourself around to welcome the new opportunities afforded at the rising of a new day. It is by learning to recognize the value and beauty in what has passed that we can learn to recognize the potential in what is coming.



Joy In the Morning, by Natalie Sleeth




I prefer the recording I have of this song, but this was the best option of all the ones on YouTube. (The Judson University one came second.)

I've loved this song for years since singing it in high school and even learned how to play it, though it's been years since I've had piano access. This song was one of the very first on the playlist that helped me feel hope.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

14: No More

32 And again, the Lord God hath commanded that men should not murder; that they should not lie; that they should not steal; that they should not take the name of the Lord their God in vain; that they should not envy; that they should not have malice; that they should not contend one with another; that they should not commit whoredoms; and that they should do none of these; for whoso doeth them shall perish.
33 For none of these iniquities come of the Lord; for he doeth that which is good among the children of men; and he inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and Gentile.


No More

11/23/05

I play a part
I would not play
But have no choice right now
Placed on a stage
That is unsafe
I yearn to leave somehow.

You see, the part
Is who I am
But others like it not
Be true to me
Do what they want
My part's frustration wrought.

My hope is soon
This stage I'll leave
Some 'part' to play no more
Be free to live
To do, to be
Be safe on my own shore.


With my family, at least, they have held a great desire to appear perfect. My leaving has been a thorn in their side they've mostly seemed to accept mainly because I won't let them into my life anymore. What minimal contact I had with select individuals has, however, made me aware of the displeasure that I'm not allowing the family to fit the desired projected image.

But this has baffled me from the beginning for I've a life-time of experience that says they have no interest or care in me or what makes me me. My listening to hymns on my own time made me a fanatic. My going to all my church meetings somehow meant I was trying to be better than them but really I was just a 'self-righteous-hypocrite Pharisee and you know what Christ thought of them'. My interests were belittled and my character traits mocked. My only purpose out of making their picture as they pleased was to be the family Cinderella. That always was my favorite fairy tale…

If there is ever to be a building of relationship between myself and the other siblings, it will have to be on a one-on-one basis of friendship. I have trouble imagining that, though. I doubt they'd pay any attention if we didn't have blood tying us together. However it may be, they will simply have to live with who I am. I will not play to the whims of others at the expense of my own well-being any more.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

13: Words

Thou hast enlarged my steps under me; so that my feet did not slip.


Words

11/22/05

The words have gone, but deep inside I know I must write on.

Past pages speak
The dream held long within
Thoughts, hopes and fears
All spoken yet again
A future near yet out of sight
My heart longs to begin.

Soon I will tread
That hallowed path
Unknown what it will bring,
My path my own
Where I belong
To finally live my dream.

The peace inside
Holds still my heart
But this time, not in dread
This time I know
Instead of pain
My home still lays ahead.

The time long short
Draws to a close
Past strength spent and reborn
Yet here I am
To walk the path
Once entryway is shown.


It has become a recognizable pattern in my life that life and stress levels stay high enough for long enough that I fear I'll burn out until I'm terrified I'll somehow fail everything because I can't manage it all. I get to a point where I plead with Heavenly Father to make it stop so I don't fail and then He blesses me with strength to continue. Further down the road I wear out again and finally hit the point where I just don't have the energy to care anymore and I decide that I'll do what I can, but if everything falls apart, then so be it. And every time that happens, instead of falling apart, things finally start to fall together and it is suddenly not so hard anymore.

12: Sharing hopes with a friend

A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.


Sharing hopes with a friend

10/20/05

In my mind I see a picture
In my heart I feel a peace
A future inexpressible
On life, a whole new lease.

My life is out there, waiting
As my future comes to view
I could spend so much time sharing
All my hopes and dreams with you.

Now I know my life is only one
Of many; Yes, I see
But I'm ever so excited
For the things I know can be.

Perhaps in listening you'd find
That I would listen too
Should you share your hopes and dreams
The things that make you you.

For friends should share each other's joys
Their sorrow, hope, and pain
And stand, united, always
In trust and love unfeigned.

So forgive me if I ramble
On the joys I sense to come
For I would love to hear of you -
Your all, and then still some.

For friends we are and always
Stand tall, and strong, and true
I thank God daily, that I have
Such a friend in You!


Oh, how I wished I had a real friend, a reliable friend. Mature enough to see and accept the hard realities I've had to handle and true enough that they would  allow me to prove myself a friend in return.

Friends during my first 25 years did not exactly qualify as friends. Many, too immature to understand or too self-centered to care, stated blandly that I just wasn't worth being a friend to - that I must just not want to be happy.  Considering the abuse and also the strain of responsibility in caring for an ill mother till I discovered her dead one morning and also caring for younger siblings for years through high school and early college, I think it's fair to say I should not have been condemned for being on an emotional roller-coaster.


The truth is, I have trouble looking at 98% of the people I knew before I left the town I lived in as friends. Even the ones I talked to with regularity are strangers to me because I know they have no idea what was really going on. The me they thought they knew is not who I was or am and so it feels false the few times I've tried to talk to any of them. I also know that because abuse is so often hidden from the view of those not living in it, it is hard for the clueless to accept the truth. And the truth for me is that I'm not looking to make a big deal out of it for attention or revenge or pity and I do not like pointless confrontation so it's easiest just to let the dead stay dead.