8: My Path

D&C 121: 37-39

37 … but when we undertake to cover our sins, or gratify our pride, our vain ambitions, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man.

38 Behold, ere he is aware, he is left unto himself, to kick against the pricks, to persecute the saints, and to fight against God.

39 We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion.

My Path

8/31/05

I'm tired of this pain

Tired of fear I have to hide

Tired of sadness and 'reality' saying, 'Get real'.

I'm tired of exhaustion,

Of fear, of nay-saying.

'Reality' isn't yet even real.

Leave me be you who say

That my hopes are all vain

You know not of that which you speak

So leave me this day

Leave me, Tiredness and Pain

Leave me to that which I seek.

My path is my own

Leave me be, let me go

It is My future, My dream, My faith

It is My way, not yours

Though you still will not see

I MUST, and WILL, follow My path.

I find myself chuckling as I read this. What I call my 'sheer stubborn-ness', my refusal to be beaten, is finding voice herein. Part of the difficulties I've had to face and am even still working to overcome is a submissiveness to supposed 'authority' that was used against me at home to control not only what I did but what I thought and felt. If I was told I did such and such for such and such a reason and 'how shameful' I would be horrified for days, even weeks that I could be so… bad. After some time and space from the acting party, i.e. days or weeks, I would finally remember the actual circumstances. It was never the distorted and blackened scenario I had been condemned for. I have made great progress in being able to not only hold onto my own thoughts and feelings in the face of false dictation, but am even beginning to think and feel contrary and even speak contrary to expectation. What's more, I'm also starting to be able to do so without feeling an overwhelming fear that I'm being horrible for doing so.

This has taken many years. It is why I am particularly pleased at what feels to my manipulated psyche as rebellion finding expression so strongly even when I was still actively fighting the weakness I'd been trained to. It was a rare thing to occur. It is both defiance to abusive and dominating home and to temptation I refused to claim enticing to self-destruction. I refused to ruin my life just to try to get a response from people who wouldn't care and would just use it as proof that I was a bad egg. I suppose that is the one element in which I actually am competitive: not with people, but with negative temptation. We choose by our actions where we will go after this life and I will not lose my chances no matter what the devil may think he has to say on the matter. Home may have been the biggest weakness to tempt self-destruct, but I refuse to answer that call. And with years of time and space of separation, the threat level has gone from 99% down to maybe 8%. And it feels so good.

7: Nowhere Else

St Luke 9:57-58

57 And it came to pass, that, as they went in the way,

a certain man said unto him,

Lord, I will follow thee whithersoever thou goest.

58 And Jesus said unto him,

Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests;

but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head.

Nowhere Else

8/31/05

I'm trying to right

My upside-down world

Left alone to discover this path

No one to walk with

To say, 'Yes, that's right'

No one to shield me from wrath.

Someone once told me

I must walk alone

For now, that is what I must do

So I walk alone

Though, perhaps, he is wrong

Until then, still I walk, shoe by shoe.

I walk ever on

Hoping I walk aright

Past people who claim that they care

I must trust that they do

Though I still walk alone

Having nowhere else, somehow I'll get there.

Boyz II Men "I Will Get There"

I have a number of play-lists of songs I find encouraging or for purging sadness and emotional fatigue. (I tend to process the emotions better if I allow myself to feel them until I don't need to so melancholy songs make the list as well.) As I was first typing in this particular poem, I left myself a note that one of those songs reminds me of this poem, or perhaps the other way around. It is from The Prince of Egypt soundtrack by Boyz II Men titled "I Will Get There". It speaks of being in chains but being determined to break free no matter what it takes, that even when it all seems dark, of continuing to try and holding onto faith that ultimately the sun will shine again and the far side of the trial will be obtained.

It seems hard that so much of it seemed so alone and in many cases truly was. I would often have to have imaginary conversations with people I knew to try to figure out what was going on and how to handle all of it since I knew everyone I knew was too busy to be bothered with my baffling world. Honestly, I don't think many would have been of much help unless they'd come from a similar background and could recognize what was happening since it's taken me so many years further to begin to understand it myself. But even then, each person must walk their own path through life making theirs own decisions along the way. And we will be judged according to our choices whether or not we had the ideal circumstances. The Lord will indeed be merciful and judge us with the full comprehension of what we've had to work with, but we must not let our difficulties become an excuse to falter in the intention of our hearts. Standing or walking alone is not an excuse to act against what we know is right.

*I felt like I needed to break the schedule and set this next one up early. Then I saw which one it was. At this very moment I know someone who is ill and one night away from being homeless. So I'm posting this early, too, because I hope something in this will help give her courage and comfort.

6: Soon

D&C 121:7-8

7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity

and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt

thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

Soon

8/29/05

He tells me soon

My heart's afraid

Of pain I soon must face

A life apart

From one long loved

Hope denied that blessed place.

I've tried so long

Yet times I thought

It time to let home go

But He said, "Wait -

Keep holding on,

My wisdom I will show."

And so I trust

As long I've tried

And work to hush my fears

And wait and hope

That I will not

Have need to dry more tears.

Soon… The two thoughts that come to mind in relation to this poem cover both ends of the spectrum. First is a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon I remember seeing years ago. Calvin was musing that if God gives us things in our lives to accomplish and overcome then God must think an awful lot of him. (Also that Calvin would live forever since his slacker self would take forever to get it done.) This in turn reminds me of 1 Corinthians 10:13. "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

So often in the midst of trials and difficulties it becomes easy to say I can only do this much, or to think I can't handle any more. It was always around those times when I was focused on the idea that it would be over 'soon'. Truly, in the Lord's view of eternity it is soon, but to the mortal perspective, it often does not feel that way. That is why it is so important to hold on to the faith that if the mountain's blocking your path and  Heavenly Father doesn't move it out of your way, then He will give you the strength to conquer it. I've found it helps to focus on one step at a time during the blocks of being overwhelmed and discouraged… Then, when you find yourself with a little more strength than you had before, you can look up and realize just how far you have actually come.

5: Love me, and I will be free

D & C 121:45-46

45 Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men,and to the household of faith,and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly;then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God;...

46 The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, …and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever.

Love me, and I will be free

 8/24/05

Speak for me - I have no voice.

Listen to me - hear the words my heart can't speak of yet.

Care about me - let me know it's possible for people to do so.

Pray for me - lend me wings to help me fly.

Search for me - I'm lost on my own.

Stay with me - teach me the things I could not learn.

Love me, and I will learn and grow and become what neither of us supposed.

And I will be free.

Oh, how I wished that this would be understood by others. This is a recipe of needs that, if met, would enable great healing for so many people. Reading it now, it seems to hold the elements of charity and this makes great sense, for who would not find healing when embraced by the pure love of Christ? For me, when there was not anyone around to help me feel that, I held to prayer and scripture study as my life-line. They promised hope. They let me feel not alone.  Indeed, for a time, I imagined the Holy Ghost as my special friend so I would not feel so alone. May we prove more aware of those around us so that others will not have to be alone. In doing so, we will discover that we are no longer alone, either.

4: The Place Where I Belong

D&C 78:17-20

17 Verily, verily, I say unto you, ye are little children, and ye have not as yet understood how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you;

18 And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours.

19 And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more.

20 Wherefore, do the things which I have commanded you, saith your Redeemer... who prepareth all things before he taketh you;

The Place Where I Belong

8/3/05

I lose myself to the world

In book, in dreams, in thought, in song

The world could care less to be lost of me

For the world is not where I belong.

For so long I have hid from the world's disregard

That I woke and knew not where to turn

Now I find myself in this place on my own

Yet, though alone, here, I know that I belong.

Here I can live by the truth that I seek

Here I can serve, every day, every week

Here I have peace, I have hope, I have song

Here is the place I belong.

There is a feeling of safety and peace and welcome found on temple grounds that has provided strength and security when no other source has been available. These last three poems were all written one evening as I sat on the Ogden Utah Temple grounds since I felt too overwhelmed to face going home. I do not go to the temple every day, and no longer every week, but even when no one else there knows who I am or what I may be struggling with, I and any service I'm able to manage is welcome without second guessing or judging. Indeed, I have often found a sometimes overwhelming amount of care given, perhaps as I am so unused to such attention.