34: Nothing Left

Alma 13: 28-29

28 But that ye would humble yourselves before the Lord, and call on his holy name, and watch and pray continually, that ye may not be tempted above that which ye can bear, and thus be led by the Holy Spirit, becoming humble, meek submissive, patient, full of love and all long-suffering;

29 Having faith on the Lord; having a hope that ye shall receive eternal life; having the love of God always in your hearts, that ye may be lifted up at the last day and enter into his rest.

Alma 36: 3

...whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day.

Nothing Left

4/15/08

'How much longer?' the question echoes,

And, 'Can I make it?' is close behind.

They say I have to care.

Yet I have nothing left to give.

And so I mourn

Because I fail.

But at least I gave my all.

And so I can rest as down I fall

And hope in the arms that will catch me.

Someone I know once told me of a dream she tends to have when faced with an obstacle requiring faith. It is as follows.

She is walking on a path towards a great cliff, the top of which she knows is heaven. The path is easy at first with pretty flowers along the way. As it goes it gets a bit steeper and more difficult but it is still quite manageable. Then it becomes more of rock climbing and requires all her concentration. It takes great effort but she is doing it. Her strength begins to fail and she begins to fear. Looking below, the rocks look like jagged teeth and she knows it will be her doom if she falls and the thought of having to try climbing again after is more than she can handle. She begins to pray and can hear the Father and the Son above telling her to let go. Of course she cannot let go so she keeps trying, climbing till the surface provides no more hand-holds and her fingers have been bloodied to the bone. Still above, they encourage her to let go. She dares not, but soon her fingers have worn down so much they break and she falls. She mourns as she sees heaven get further and further away. Shortly before she hits the bottom, the Savior catches her and carries her to the top. On the way he asks her, "Did you really think I would let you fall?"

The scriptures tell us that 'we know that it is by grace that we are saved after all that we can do.' We can't save ourselves. We must be on the right path and continuing forward as well as we can manage, but despite what my dad always tried to convince me, we can't and aren't expected to be able to do it all ourselves. Having obstacles that require more than we personally can manage are opportunities to turn to the Lord and trust in Him. Trust that He will make it right. Trust that He has provided the way to recompense the hurts against you, that He will guide you in a way that will make even more good come from the bad than you could imagine. Let His atonement give you strength and courage and peace. He suffered for everything. Your sins and others'. The illnesses and deaths. The heartaches and hurts and distresses of everyone. He knows. He cares. And He is there waiting for all of us to let Him into our lives so that He can help make it right even when the actions of others stand ready to tear us down. Trust His guidance and when this mortal probation is over you will find more than you ever imagined possible.

29: Will You See? Will You Hear?

Colossians 3: 20-21

20 Children, obey your parents in all things:

for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.

21 Fathers,

provoke not your children to anger,

lest they be discouraged.

D&C 136: 32

Let him that is ignorant learn wisdom by humbling himself and calling upon the Lord his God, that his eyes may be opened that he may see, and his ears opened that he may hear;

Will You See? Will You Hear?

9/7/07

When did you kill the Me in your hearts?

When did it cease to be home?

When did you forfeit my dearness to duty?

When did I turn to task in form?

They say they have love, and care and concern

And seek for the state of my soul

Yet that soul they've denied, disdained and despised

Ill-handled and painted as coal.

My choices are judged for reflections on them

Though they claim they seek only my good

Yet if I should stray down a path they view wrong

Then, 'Attack! 'til she's back where she stood!'

Their view won't allow for a path they can't see

So they've stated they will not support

Blind to revealing my worth to be

Known only in 'good' report.

They'd help when required by duty they know

Standing in judgment and self-sure repose

Just as I've seen towards brothers of blood

So, the same unto me, I'd suppose.

I care not for this bond, for bondage it is,

For this fight I'm doomed never to win

Worth ever dying in expectations passed

Back at zero to always begin.

So stuck, I lament, as this tale I began

Though in answers I see no release

For freedom I seek from these chains so absurd

And in freedom, for once, lasting peace.

(also 9/7/07)

These words may seem harsh but I've lived with their truth and I wish to be free of it. Few seem able to comprehend the connection between words and the thoughts they betray, but the truth of them I know so deeply it sets my teeth on edge. For knowing changes nothing. And while 'All is Well' I must LET all be well lest contention be laid to my charge, all the while knowing that all is most definitely NOT well. I hate even the thought of interaction with parental units for this very reason. Oh! It makes me sick inside, I hate it! But I'm stuck, for I, too, know duty. Oh, that our paths could be independent that I could respect and honor  them on theirs and be free of the nothingness I've known under them on mine. Compulsion engenders no love towards masters. As family I love them, but rarely have they chosen to submit the master to the parent. Anger and offended pride win out by a landslide. THAT is what I have learned to trust though there is not trust engendered by it. And I would be free of it.

Let truth win out and let me be free.

Only, tell me how?

Please

It was a day short of three weeks later that Heavenly Father let me know I could leave without looking back. 

25: Help Will Come

D&C 68: 6

Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you; and ye shall bear record of me, even Jesus  Christ, that I am the Son of the living God, that I was, that I am, and that I am to come.

Help Will Come

2/18/07

No matter how alone you feel

Or, in truth, you may well be

Or how you cry out in your soul

For one to trust continually.

No matter how you search and look

And still there is no-one

Have faith, be still, do not lose hope

For always, help will come.

The source, each different, yet the same

The Lord works through the ones who will

Each help made equal to each need

Shows us the Lord is faithful still.

He sends one soul to listen well

Another to suggest

And when there's no-one to give hope

By His help we'll be blessed.

So though heart, faith and hope are tired

And still you have no-one

Have faith, be still, do not give up

And hope, for help will come.

Coming from the family problems that so dominated my life, I do not and have not had the family support that I watch so many others regularly fall back on. All the same, there has always been the help needed when something was beyond my own capabilities. Sometimes I could talk to one friend or another, sometimes I happened across a random reference that helped me understand, sometimes a random stranger appeared more than willing to help, sometimes  my dreams would give me perspective, sometimes it was simply a blessing of peace. But I was never left alone by Heavenly Father. And I promise that so long as you want Him there, He will never leave you alone either. He does not always give the answer we want as quickly as we want, but He will always be there to give us the help we need.

22: Enough Within My Best

Mark 12:41-44

41 And Jesus sat over against the treasury, and beheld how the people cast money into the treasury: and many that were rich cast in much.

42 And there came a certain poor widow, and she threw in two mites, which make a farthing.

43 And he called unto him his disciples, and saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That this poor widow hath cast more in, than all they which have cast into the treasury:

44 For all they did cast in of their abundance; but she of her want did cast in all that she had, even all her living.

Mosiah 4:27

And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it in not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.

Enough Within My Best

8/30/06

Many thoughts confused

So many feelings felt

The world to take no notice

On what long my mind has dwelt.

My path so long in darkness

Still yet in darkness hides

Set long ago by Father

Where still my faith resides.

I walk not knowing where

My next footfall will land

As ever my heart prays

The white dove on the sand.

So please forgive my silence

My heart is craving rest

For ever I must trust that

There's enough within my best.

At home, my efforts only just barely reached 'good enough' if I gave far more than I could healthily maintain and if anything ever interfered with reaching the expectations demanded I was far from good at all. For years I was haunted by a fear of never being good enough, that all my efforts never would be enough. With time I have realized that enough is really simply a matter of my best and that 'my best' is a fluctuating value. If I'm too sick to get out of bed, then there is no guilt in not making it out of bed. If I've scrimped and saved to simply pay bills, I don't have to feel guilty for making a gift instead of buying a favorite item. If I'm up to a hike I can go and enjoy it without having to be the first to the top. If asthma kicks in, I can stop without embarrassment.

Even more, when I have successes, they count as success. Not only can I give good enough, I can be good . I can simply be and find satisfaction in not worrying what is considered good enough or not because I know in my very core that I desire to be good and, if left to myself, I will give my best without being compelled. I strive to remember the Lord and follow the commandments and then just take joy in the journey and hope in the journey to come.

20: Edges of Eternity

Mosiah 7: 19

Therefore, lift up your heads and rejoice, and put your trust in God, in that God who was the God of Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob; and also that God who brought the children of Israel out of the land of Egypt, and caused that they should walk through the Red Sea on dry ground, and fed them with manna that they might not perish in the wilderness; and many more things did he do for them.

Alma 36: 3

And now, O my son Helaman, behold, thou art in thy youth, and therefore, I beseech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day.

Edges of Eternity

6/06 - 7/17/06

I'm standing blindfolded,

On the edge of eternity,

Hoping my eyes will come to see

The hopes my heart has

Struggles so long to hold onto.

This edge is one of many

Both past and yet to come

And each requires faith in things unknown.

I feel the wind gently pulling me on

As I step from the grasp of what was

And slowly anticipation builds

With the sense of the wonders ahead.

And so I step again

And trust the clouds to be my ground.

A person does not need to go skydiving or bungee jumping or any of the crazy things people do to get an adrenaline rush. Just ask any person on the verge of making a huge change in life on faith. What's more, the more you exercise faith, the more Heavenly Father trusts you to follow His lead and the more He will provide you opportunities to strengthen and grow even more faith. I'd even challenge an adrenaline junky to try to live on faith for a while to see if they're brave enough to handle it. They may just discover life will supply plenty of opportunity on its own.

19: With Me, Waiting

2 Thessalonians 3: 5

And the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God,

and into the patient waiting for Christ.

D&C 98: 1-3

1 Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks;

2 Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament -- the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted.

3 Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name's glory, saith the Lord.

With Me, Waiting

4/9/06

The Lord sits with me, waiting

While I wonder what's ahead

At this train stop for my future

With His peace - my patience fed.

I will not see its coming, though

For He, my sight, has hid

That I may learn to trust in Him

To walk as He may bid.

Others urge me leave this place

"No train is scheduled here"

They cannot see the One who sits

With promise it is near.

And so I sit here watching

As past cares pass me by

And dream of future hopes and joys

And dream of open sky.

For I must stay here waiting

Or the train I'll surely miss

But the Lord sits with me ever, still

To hear that engine's hiss.

Oi. One of the hardest parts of following the Lord's direction is when He wants us to wait. In a gospel that focuses so much on being proactive and productive, to purposely hold a specific position on serious issues is seen as highly negligent. In a goal oriented world where a regularly updated progress report is expected to be available, patiently waiting the Lord's timing is not often recognized for what it is.

Yet any true gardener knows that there are times and seasons important for successful growth. If you plant too soon, the plant may freeze and die before its proper season is here. If too late, it will not have time to grow to maturity. And once planted, you can't expect to pull the plant up and measure the growth of its roots everyday and still manage a strong, healthy plant - the strain would severely damage it.

We are all unique plants with our lives following a seasonal pattern that will not always match the general patterns around us. I have seen this in operation in my own life as well as others I have known. The trick is to live the best you can manage and trust in the personal guidance you receive from above.

16: Just One Day

Isaiah 41: 10

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

Just One Day

1/3/06

Hope can seem elusive

When the Evil One draws near

He'd have us focus far ahead

On all that we might fear.

For the future seems uncertain

When looked at from today

Each dream that we might hope for

Could go wrong in every way.

Thus he would entrap our minds

Held fast by fear's intent

That we might re-direct our lives

And, thus, our dreams prevent.

But the Lord gave us the answer

Spoken long ago

That shows how to hold onto

The dreams our hearts still know.

He said, "Take one day at a time

Don't borrow future fears

There's work enough to do right now

Don't waste those precious tears.

"Satan would have you think I can't

Do all I said I would -

I promised I would do the rest

Once you've done all you could.

"So don't worry about tomorrow

We'll get there as we will

There's no need to leap mountains

Just work on this day's hill.

"And as you walk on, day by day,

Though far your dreams appear

Have faith in me, walk by my side

And soon all will be clear.

"Do not fear the Dark One

I'll show the way that's true

You see, I was here long ago -

I walked it once for you.

"So let the future wait for us

We'll get there as we may

For now there's just one moment

For now there's just one day."

Matt 6:34 ; 3 Nephi13:34

I still find myself needing to remember this at times.

In Matthew 6:34 it states ,"Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."

Sometimes we get so caught up in everything we're trying to work out just right, or anticipating any potential problem to avoid negative attention, or focusing on the magnitude of the mountain ahead of us that we can get paralyzed with the stress of it all. This scripture shows that today, now is what we need to concern ourselves with. It is well to plan and prepare, but don't waste the now on the future. We have enough things to care about today without adding tomorrow's burdens on top of it. Even better is the 3 Nephi version where it ends, "sufficient is the day unto the evil thereof." Now, not only can we stay focused, we also have the assurances that we'll be able to handle it even if it's just a day at a time.

9: Ready

Proverbs 3: 5-6

5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart;

and lean not unto thine own understanding.

6 In all thy ways acknowledge him,

and he shall direct thy path.

Ready

9/16/05

He told me, "Be ready;

It's coming your way."

For what? I don't know

Or when? I can't say.

I see more pieces crumble

And in my heart I pray

That I may help someone

Who needs me on their way.

There is freedom, hope, and joy outside

Which can't be found within

And those who would restrain

Can't see what costs their win.

Pain, fear, and guilt, and anger

Employed to get his way

Is it really any wonder

Why we would not choose to stay?

Meanwhile, I stand ready

For the rest, I could not tell

But here I stand and I must trust

In God all will be well.

It is curious that this poem came roughly a year before my last real contact with home. The year before had been horribly difficult to survive as I had stayed one final year at home beyond what my personal intentions and desires were. Though hard, that final year was a great blessing for it taught me that, in my personal case, it wouldn't matter how hard I tried to make them happy - it would never be enough for them. When Heavenly Father finally said it was enough for Him and I could be done with it all, I was able to walk away without any second-guessing or wondering whether, if I had just tried harder, maybe things would finally have gotten better. Instead, having stayed in the house, and after, in general contact for another year or so, I was free to leave and have had no need to look back.

As this poem shows, Heavenly Father was preparing me for separation even before I was fully aware it was coming. The first months of this particular year in question I found myself disturbed and concerned at whether I could think of anything positive taught me by my father that wasn't tainted with manipulation or twisted doctrine or hateful or degrading commentary. It took a month of pondering but I finally managed a handful of untainted memories. That Father's Day, while trying to think what to give, I felt prompted to write him a letter sharing those memories (minus the fact they were the only ones like that…). I distinctly remember the feeling that it would be the only opportunity to share them with him. I did not understand why that was at the time, but I wrote it and gave it to him anyway. I can't say its reception was laudable, but those feelings and later events proved that Heavenly Father knew what was coming and was preparing for it even without my understanding.

6: Soon

D&C 121:7-8

7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity

and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt

thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

Soon

8/29/05

He tells me soon

My heart's afraid

Of pain I soon must face

A life apart

From one long loved

Hope denied that blessed place.

I've tried so long

Yet times I thought

It time to let home go

But He said, "Wait -

Keep holding on,

My wisdom I will show."

And so I trust

As long I've tried

And work to hush my fears

And wait and hope

That I will not

Have need to dry more tears.

Soon… The two thoughts that come to mind in relation to this poem cover both ends of the spectrum. First is a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon I remember seeing years ago. Calvin was musing that if God gives us things in our lives to accomplish and overcome then God must think an awful lot of him. (Also that Calvin would live forever since his slacker self would take forever to get it done.) This in turn reminds me of 1 Corinthians 10:13. "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

So often in the midst of trials and difficulties it becomes easy to say I can only do this much, or to think I can't handle any more. It was always around those times when I was focused on the idea that it would be over 'soon'. Truly, in the Lord's view of eternity it is soon, but to the mortal perspective, it often does not feel that way. That is why it is so important to hold on to the faith that if the mountain's blocking your path and  Heavenly Father doesn't move it out of your way, then He will give you the strength to conquer it. I've found it helps to focus on one step at a time during the blocks of being overwhelmed and discouraged… Then, when you find yourself with a little more strength than you had before, you can look up and realize just how far you have actually come.

1: A World Not My Own

D&C 61:36

And now, verily I say unto you, and what I say unto

one I say unto all, be of good cheer, little children;

for I am in your midst, and I have not forsaken you;

A World Not My Own

~7/30, 10/22/05

I do not belong in this world not my own

Although many insist there's no other

Yet still I can sense it, separate and pure

That world promised me by my Brother.

I cannot achieve it enslaved as I am

To confusions I cannot escape

So often surrounded by anger, disgust

Then something like love do they drape.

I know not what to do, confused as I am

I simply listen and try to obey

And trust that the Lord will help guide me home

Though I seem to forget every day.

Still I walk ever onward as best I know how

And pray that I'm walking aright

That the Lord will continue to guide me each day

And grant both clear mind and clear sight.

It was not until after high school ended that I began to recognize the problems that existed at home. To me, it feels like Heavenly Father made it so I would not understand so that I would be protected while still legally dependent. But even not understanding, it was still rough. I was not happy but I didn't know why, let alone how anything could be done about it. Indeed, I tried to prevent remembering how hard it was by avoiding the keeping of a journal. I did not truly start one until the year after my mother died. When the feelings were more than I could write regularly, they came out in poem form. This amuses me as I've never been all that fond of poetry, but perhaps it makes sense that poets tend to be those processing strong emotion.