29: Will You See? Will You Hear?

Colossians 3: 20-21

20 Children, obey your parents in all things:

for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.

21 Fathers,

provoke not your children to anger,

lest they be discouraged.

D&C 136: 32

Let him that is ignorant learn wisdom by humbling himself and calling upon the Lord his God, that his eyes may be opened that he may see, and his ears opened that he may hear;

Will You See? Will You Hear?

9/7/07

When did you kill the Me in your hearts?

When did it cease to be home?

When did you forfeit my dearness to duty?

When did I turn to task in form?

They say they have love, and care and concern

And seek for the state of my soul

Yet that soul they've denied, disdained and despised

Ill-handled and painted as coal.

My choices are judged for reflections on them

Though they claim they seek only my good

Yet if I should stray down a path they view wrong

Then, 'Attack! 'til she's back where she stood!'

Their view won't allow for a path they can't see

So they've stated they will not support

Blind to revealing my worth to be

Known only in 'good' report.

They'd help when required by duty they know

Standing in judgment and self-sure repose

Just as I've seen towards brothers of blood

So, the same unto me, I'd suppose.

I care not for this bond, for bondage it is,

For this fight I'm doomed never to win

Worth ever dying in expectations passed

Back at zero to always begin.

So stuck, I lament, as this tale I began

Though in answers I see no release

For freedom I seek from these chains so absurd

And in freedom, for once, lasting peace.

(also 9/7/07)

These words may seem harsh but I've lived with their truth and I wish to be free of it. Few seem able to comprehend the connection between words and the thoughts they betray, but the truth of them I know so deeply it sets my teeth on edge. For knowing changes nothing. And while 'All is Well' I must LET all be well lest contention be laid to my charge, all the while knowing that all is most definitely NOT well. I hate even the thought of interaction with parental units for this very reason. Oh! It makes me sick inside, I hate it! But I'm stuck, for I, too, know duty. Oh, that our paths could be independent that I could respect and honor  them on theirs and be free of the nothingness I've known under them on mine. Compulsion engenders no love towards masters. As family I love them, but rarely have they chosen to submit the master to the parent. Anger and offended pride win out by a landslide. THAT is what I have learned to trust though there is not trust engendered by it. And I would be free of it.

Let truth win out and let me be free.

Only, tell me how?

Please

It was a day short of three weeks later that Heavenly Father let me know I could leave without looking back.