Wednesday, May 25, 2016

34: Nothing Left

28 But that ye would humble yourselves before the Lord, and call on his holy name, and watch and pray continually, that ye may not be tempted above that which ye can bear, and thus be led by the Holy Spirit, becoming humble, meek submissive, patient, full of love and all long-suffering;
29 Having faith on the Lord; having a hope that ye shall receive eternal life; having the love of God always in your hearts, that ye may be lifted up at the last day and enter into his rest.


...whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day.


Nothing Left

4/15/08

'How much longer?' the question echoes,
And, 'Can I make it?' is close behind.
They say I have to care.
Yet I have nothing left to give.
And so I mourn
Because I fail.
But at least I gave my all.
And so I can rest as down I fall
And hope in the arms that will catch me.


Someone I know once told me of a dream she tends to have when faced with an obstacle requiring faith. It is as follows.

She is walking on a path towards a great cliff, the top of which she knows is heaven. The path is easy at first with pretty flowers along the way. As it goes it gets a bit steeper and more difficult but it is still quite manageable. Then it becomes more of rock climbing and requires all her concentration. It takes great effort but she is doing it. Her strength begins to fail and she begins to fear. Looking below, the rocks look like jagged teeth and she knows it will be her doom if she falls and the thought of having to try climbing again after is more than she can handle. She begins to pray and can hear the Father and the Son above telling her to let go. Of course she cannot let go so she keeps trying, climbing till the surface provides no more hand-holds and her fingers have been bloodied to the bone. Still above, they encourage her to let go. She dares not, but soon her fingers have worn down so much they break and she falls. She mourns as she sees heaven get further and further away. Shortly before she hits the bottom, the Savior catches her and carries her to the top. On the way he asks her, "Did you really think I would let you fall?"

The scriptures tell us that 'we know that it is by grace that we are saved after all that we can do.' We can't save ourselves. We must be on the right path and continuing forward as well as we can manage, but despite what my dad always tried to convince me, we can't and aren't expected to be able to do it all ourselves. Having obstacles that require more than we personally can manage are opportunities to turn to the Lord and trust in Him. Trust that He will make it right. Trust that He has provided the way to recompense the hurts against you, that He will guide you in a way that will make even more good come from the bad than you could imagine. Let His atonement give you strength and courage and peace. He suffered for everything. Your sins and others'. The illnesses and deaths. The heartaches and hurts and distresses of everyone. He knows. He cares. And He is there waiting for all of us to let Him into our lives so that He can help make it right even when the actions of others stand ready to tear us down. Trust His guidance and when this mortal probation is over you will find more than you ever imagined possible.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

33: Silent Hope


Hope deferred maketh the heart sick:
but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.



Silent Hope

I learned a truth at younger age
Of protection in not being;
That releasing claim on rights or wants
Numbs life's constant sting.

For if I have no claim on love
Withheld leaves no surprise
So why does silent hope spring forth
To see love in one's eyes?

'Tis good the Lord still holds my heart
In His protective care
For else it'd die so many deaths
As each hope bails on fare.
(11/18/08)



I truly survived by convincing myself I was nothing more than a slave. A slave has no rights therefore nothing can be done against a slave that is wrong. Therefore there should be no cause for feeling hurt at what happens. It did not make all of the hurt go away, but it cut it down by a good half. And if you don't let yourself want anything, that want can't be held against you as punishment or manipulation.

It is the same idea expressed by the lead male in the dance movie Step Up. The girl asked him what he hoped for his future and his response was that it was safer not to hope because then it wouldn't hurt when it didn't happen.

Loss and rejection is hard and it becomes devastating when repeated over and over. Each time we hope and our hope proves false can make it that much harder to try again. But ultimately, we can't let hope go for it will prove true if we hold on long enough. The way I sometimes had to keep it alive was to tuck it away like a seed waiting for spring to come again and fresh ground to try once more.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

32: No Arms


But behold, the Lord hath redeemed my soul from hell; I have beheld his glory,
and am encircled about eternally in the arms of his love.



No Arms

2/6/08

I have no arms to pull me home
No arms to pull me safely in
No place of peace to rest my heart
No endless refuge from the storm.

No arms to shield me from the pain
Or hold away a threatening for
No arms to wipe the tired tears
Or wait for mournful sobs to slow.

I have no arms to claim my own
That wish to hold me ever near
No arms to share a loving warmth
To hold me close to someone dear.

(3/26/12 - 2 Nephi 1:15 - Ensign April '12)
see 'Arms of Love'

For a long time I particularly treasured hugs because it made me feel like if someone was actually willing to touch me then I must not be so horrible as I'd been made to feel. Just as I sought comfort being wrapped in my blanket the day I found my mother dead, I have sensed a security and comfort intimated in being held close by another. I have longed for that feeling to be proven real. It means welcome and acceptance and concern and love and protection and I have craved that reality for so long.

A bit over four years after writing this particular poem, the Lord showed me that while I've not had an actual person filling that role, He has ever been there with His arms stretched out in my need and He has held me close in His care. When I read the words that spoke these thoughts I knew immediately the Lord was answering this poem's prayer. Someday I will also have a husband and a home and a family and I will not only have the arms to hold me close but I will also be able to hold them close as well. In the meantime, I must be content to share what hugs I can with others.

Saturday, May 7, 2016

31: The Legacy of Home

35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors
through him that loved us.
38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.




The Legacy of Home

2/3/08

Who am I? Why does He want me?
Why does being His daughter give me value? Why should I have any rights? How dare I make any claim on Him? Why should my existence have value to Him or anyone?
Only in doing good. But I am not perfect, so when I am not good, where is the justification for inflicting myself on others?

I have chosen Him. I will never want to change that choice. At times I am appalled by my audacity and ashamed of the nothing He has claimed as His own. A voice whispers that this should not be so, but could someone please explain to me Why?


This is the strongest example of the psychology of the abused finding voice in my poem journal. This is what is left behind after constant belittlement, ridicule, torment, and disgust by abusers. The feeling you must be perfect, that you have no worth, the shame of existing in the first place, and if you can see that it's not supposed to be that way, the complete incomprehension of why, how.

The gospel, church, taught me the difference between what was and what should be. Years of protection by hundreds of miles away from home has begun to teach me how life can be without the abuse. As I find peace and security in the healthy, the hurt has less hold and sway and the further I get in healing, the faster I'm able to make progress.

The scriptures teach the why. The fact is that God does love me. He does not and never has seen me the way I was taught to see myself. As I recognize and accept His love and patience with and acceptance of others around me I can begin to consider the same for myself. It may not make sense to the me raised at home, but it no longer has to because I can recognize the lunacy of life at home. And that home is no more for me so I am free of it to focus on what is: that God does love me and He wants me back with Him.