33: Silent Hope

Proverbs 13: 12

Hope deferred maketh the heart sick:

but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.

Silent Hope

I learned a truth at younger age

Of protection in not being;

That releasing claim on rights or wants

Numbs life's constant sting.

For if I have no claim on love

Withheld leaves no surprise

So why does silent hope spring forth

To see love in one's eyes?

'Tis good the Lord still holds my heart

In His protective care

For else it'd die so many deaths

As each hope bails on fare.

(11/18/08)

I truly survived by convincing myself I was nothing more than a slave. A slave has no rights therefore nothing can be done against a slave that is wrong. Therefore there should be no cause for feeling hurt at what happens. It did not make all of the hurt go away, but it cut it down by a good half. And if you don't let yourself want anything, that want can't be held against you as punishment or manipulation.

It is the same idea expressed by the lead male in the dance movie Step Up. The girl asked him what he hoped for his future and his response was that it was safer not to hope because then it wouldn't hurt when it didn't happen.

Loss and rejection is hard and it becomes devastating when repeated over and over. Each time we hope and our hope proves false can make it that much harder to try again. But ultimately, we can't let hope go for it will prove true if we hold on long enough. The way I sometimes had to keep it alive was to tuck it away like a seed waiting for spring to come again and fresh ground to try once more.

30: Free to live

1 Corinthians 12:20-22, 25-26

20 But now are they many members, yet but one body.

21 And the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of thee: nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of you.

22 Nay, much more those members of the body, which seem to be more feeble are necessary:

25 That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another.

26 And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it.

Free to live

12/30/07

This path I entered years ago

Has come at last to end

And now I stand with aching heart

But joy for my lost friend.

I walked the path the Lord bade me

In faith, though strength did fade

But faith proved true and through the end

With honor have I stayed.

So now my path's to be my own

And free I am to live

To walk, and wish, and will, and want

All God's blessing He will give.

It felt like I had lost a friend in leaving family behind. Truth is, it was more an imagined ideal I had hoped for that was lost. Family should love and care about each other; what makes each person special and unique coming together in a unity of love and respect.

It was not so, but I can do all I can to someday build a family like I wished so much mine had been.

24: Unfinished Prayer

Alma 36:17-20

17 And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold, I remembered also to have heard by father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.

18 Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death.

19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.

20 And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!

Unfinished Prayer

12/06

I walk life's roads not knowing where

The journey's end may be

And now life's questions cloud my heart -

Oh, Lord! Please help me see!

Oh, Lord, please help me know my place  -

Where I am and where I go

And if I've worth - then what it is

Oh, Lord! Please help me know.

And Lord, if Thou wouldst heal this heart

Where hurt has hid so long

That I may now be free of fear

That right may come from wrong.

The Lord allows the horrible to happen because we must all have the opportunity to prove ourselves. He does not condone bad behavior nor does He forget those who suffer because of it. It is  through His atonement and redeeming sacrifice that allows for right to come from wrong. By keeping His commandments and enduring to the end, we are enabled by His grace to make more than circumstances would otherwise allow.

People can do horrible things to each other, things I have no experience with even in my difficult life. Yet it is those who have overcome the worst that have gained the most compassion and wisdom and power to do good because they know and understand far more than those who have lived more sheltered lives. Even those who have made the ill choices have this opportunity through repentance. While it is not better that they have those experiences of wrong-doing, the truth of their experience can have a stronger impact in encouraging others to avoid the same mistakes.

16: Just One Day

Isaiah 41: 10

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

Just One Day

1/3/06

Hope can seem elusive

When the Evil One draws near

He'd have us focus far ahead

On all that we might fear.

For the future seems uncertain

When looked at from today

Each dream that we might hope for

Could go wrong in every way.

Thus he would entrap our minds

Held fast by fear's intent

That we might re-direct our lives

And, thus, our dreams prevent.

But the Lord gave us the answer

Spoken long ago

That shows how to hold onto

The dreams our hearts still know.

He said, "Take one day at a time

Don't borrow future fears

There's work enough to do right now

Don't waste those precious tears.

"Satan would have you think I can't

Do all I said I would -

I promised I would do the rest

Once you've done all you could.

"So don't worry about tomorrow

We'll get there as we will

There's no need to leap mountains

Just work on this day's hill.

"And as you walk on, day by day,

Though far your dreams appear

Have faith in me, walk by my side

And soon all will be clear.

"Do not fear the Dark One

I'll show the way that's true

You see, I was here long ago -

I walked it once for you.

"So let the future wait for us

We'll get there as we may

For now there's just one moment

For now there's just one day."

Matt 6:34 ; 3 Nephi13:34

I still find myself needing to remember this at times.

In Matthew 6:34 it states ,"Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."

Sometimes we get so caught up in everything we're trying to work out just right, or anticipating any potential problem to avoid negative attention, or focusing on the magnitude of the mountain ahead of us that we can get paralyzed with the stress of it all. This scripture shows that today, now is what we need to concern ourselves with. It is well to plan and prepare, but don't waste the now on the future. We have enough things to care about today without adding tomorrow's burdens on top of it. Even better is the 3 Nephi version where it ends, "sufficient is the day unto the evil thereof." Now, not only can we stay focused, we also have the assurances that we'll be able to handle it even if it's just a day at a time.

10: One Thread

D&C 64: 10-11

10 I, the Lord will forgive whom I will forgive

 but of you it is required to forgive all men.

11 And ye ought to say in your hearts --

let God judge between me and thee,

and reward thee according to thy deeds.

One Thread

10/4-5/05

Much to say, what to tell?

How to show where I've been?

Pick a thread, follow it through it's way

Many good, some are not

And this thread holds much pain

But this thread wove my world day by day.

I must unloose this thread

And replace as I go

Lest I unravel and, in shreds, fall

And prevent, as I can

From more thread being laid

As it gathers all up in a ball.

What to do with the ball?

Cut it off and away

And continue to loose as I go

Till it's gone and I'm free

From the chains of that thread

Free to be, free to live, free to grow.

Many have condemned me

For effects this thread has caused

Blind to see that I could not control

Where or how it got placed

When I too could not see

But the pain and the fear of my soul.

So confused at more pain

And still trying to be

The best everyone else thought I should

It was never enough

As it never can be

Still I tried to do all that I could.

Then I looked back and saw

How this thread shaped my life

And, at first, thought it must be my fault

But it's not, and I've tried

Just to lay fault aside

And to focus on loosing this knot.

Some remnants may escape

My split concentration

As I both treat and try to prevent

But the process moves on

And I'm closer each day

As I learn from what all this has meant.

So I see all the threads

But this one I must change

To no longer hurt me or my dreams

For new dreams I now see

As I learn the true me

And the hope of my future redeems.

I have had many people try to tell me that I must repent and/or forgive those involved in my home situation when the hard memories call back emotional responses. The truth is that forgiveness is not the issue in my case as I'm so empathetic I cry when fictional characters face death or great loss or pain. I'm merely reacting with empathy to my own memories of pain. Crazy weird, I know. But it brings up the issue of forgiveness. Many people seem to think that forgiveness means feeling and acting like nothing bad happened - a warm, fuzzy, I love you, you love me kind of feeling. That if you just flip the switch everything will be ok again - in you, with the offending persons, with God. I see forgiveness in a different way. 

Forgiveness is letting go of vengefulness for the wrongs of the past, leaving correction in God's hands, and moving on with your own life. While a discussion on why our standing in the way of someone else receiving of the Savior's atonement because we were offended is a good one to ponder, it is the moving on element that sets you free. It does not mean staying in an unhealthy environment. But it does mean that you take charge of your future and face forward instead of walking backwards blind in life because you refuse to put it aside. Often I find myself glad I don't have to be the judge of people. But it also occurs to me that no one will give a better judgment and exact a more appropriate price on those who have offended than God. Those who merit mercy will receive it and those who do not will find they have a rude awakening.

Forgiveness is accepting that the Lord will make recompense for the wrongs done and accepting that the debt then becomes between the offender and the Lord.

7: Nowhere Else

St Luke 9:57-58

57 And it came to pass, that, as they went in the way,

a certain man said unto him,

Lord, I will follow thee whithersoever thou goest.

58 And Jesus said unto him,

Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests;

but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head.

Nowhere Else

8/31/05

I'm trying to right

My upside-down world

Left alone to discover this path

No one to walk with

To say, 'Yes, that's right'

No one to shield me from wrath.

Someone once told me

I must walk alone

For now, that is what I must do

So I walk alone

Though, perhaps, he is wrong

Until then, still I walk, shoe by shoe.

I walk ever on

Hoping I walk aright

Past people who claim that they care

I must trust that they do

Though I still walk alone

Having nowhere else, somehow I'll get there.

Boyz II Men "I Will Get There"

I have a number of play-lists of songs I find encouraging or for purging sadness and emotional fatigue. (I tend to process the emotions better if I allow myself to feel them until I don't need to so melancholy songs make the list as well.) As I was first typing in this particular poem, I left myself a note that one of those songs reminds me of this poem, or perhaps the other way around. It is from The Prince of Egypt soundtrack by Boyz II Men titled "I Will Get There". It speaks of being in chains but being determined to break free no matter what it takes, that even when it all seems dark, of continuing to try and holding onto faith that ultimately the sun will shine again and the far side of the trial will be obtained.

It seems hard that so much of it seemed so alone and in many cases truly was. I would often have to have imaginary conversations with people I knew to try to figure out what was going on and how to handle all of it since I knew everyone I knew was too busy to be bothered with my baffling world. Honestly, I don't think many would have been of much help unless they'd come from a similar background and could recognize what was happening since it's taken me so many years further to begin to understand it myself. But even then, each person must walk their own path through life making theirs own decisions along the way. And we will be judged according to our choices whether or not we had the ideal circumstances. The Lord will indeed be merciful and judge us with the full comprehension of what we've had to work with, but we must not let our difficulties become an excuse to falter in the intention of our hearts. Standing or walking alone is not an excuse to act against what we know is right.

*I felt like I needed to break the schedule and set this next one up early. Then I saw which one it was. At this very moment I know someone who is ill and one night away from being homeless. So I'm posting this early, too, because I hope something in this will help give her courage and comfort.

6: Soon

D&C 121:7-8

7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity

and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt

thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

Soon

8/29/05

He tells me soon

My heart's afraid

Of pain I soon must face

A life apart

From one long loved

Hope denied that blessed place.

I've tried so long

Yet times I thought

It time to let home go

But He said, "Wait -

Keep holding on,

My wisdom I will show."

And so I trust

As long I've tried

And work to hush my fears

And wait and hope

That I will not

Have need to dry more tears.

Soon… The two thoughts that come to mind in relation to this poem cover both ends of the spectrum. First is a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon I remember seeing years ago. Calvin was musing that if God gives us things in our lives to accomplish and overcome then God must think an awful lot of him. (Also that Calvin would live forever since his slacker self would take forever to get it done.) This in turn reminds me of 1 Corinthians 10:13. "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

So often in the midst of trials and difficulties it becomes easy to say I can only do this much, or to think I can't handle any more. It was always around those times when I was focused on the idea that it would be over 'soon'. Truly, in the Lord's view of eternity it is soon, but to the mortal perspective, it often does not feel that way. That is why it is so important to hold on to the faith that if the mountain's blocking your path and  Heavenly Father doesn't move it out of your way, then He will give you the strength to conquer it. I've found it helps to focus on one step at a time during the blocks of being overwhelmed and discouraged… Then, when you find yourself with a little more strength than you had before, you can look up and realize just how far you have actually come.