37 … but when we
undertake to cover our sins, or gratify our pride, our vain ambitions, or to
exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of
men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves;
the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the
priesthood or the authority of that man.
38 Behold, ere he is
aware, he is left unto himself, to kick against the pricks, to persecute the
saints, and to fight against God.
39 We have learned
by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as
soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately
begin to exercise unrighteous dominion.
My Path
8/31/05
I'm tired of this
pain
Tired of fear I have
to hide
Tired of sadness and
'reality' saying, 'Get real'.
I'm tired of
exhaustion,
Of fear, of nay-saying.
'Reality' isn't yet
even real.
Leave me be you who
say
That my hopes are
all vain
You know not of that
which you speak
So leave me this day
Leave me, Tiredness
and Pain
Leave me to that
which I seek.
My path is my own
Leave me be, let me
go
It is My future, My dream, My
faith
It is My way, not yours
Though you still
will not see
I MUST, and WILL,
follow My path.
I find myself
chuckling as I read this. What I call my 'sheer stubborn-ness', my refusal to
be beaten, is finding voice herein. Part of the difficulties I've had to face
and am even still working to overcome is a submissiveness to supposed
'authority' that was used against me at home to control not only what I did but
what I thought and felt. If I was told I did such and such for such and such a
reason and 'how shameful' I would be horrified for days, even weeks that I
could be so… bad. After some time and space from the acting party, i.e. days or
weeks, I would finally remember the actual circumstances. It was never the
distorted and blackened scenario I had been condemned for. I have made great
progress in being able to not only hold onto my own thoughts and feelings in
the face of false dictation, but am even beginning to think and feel contrary
and even speak contrary to expectation. What's more, I'm also starting to be
able to do so without feeling an overwhelming fear that I'm being horrible for
doing so.
This has taken many
years. It is why I am particularly pleased at what feels to my manipulated
psyche as rebellion finding expression so strongly even when I was still
actively fighting the weakness I'd been trained to. It was a rare thing to
occur. It is both defiance to abusive and dominating home and to temptation I
refused to claim enticing to self-destruction. I refused to ruin my life just
to try to get a response from people who wouldn't care and would just use it as
proof that I was a bad egg. I suppose that is the one element in which I
actually am competitive: not with people, but with negative temptation. We
choose by our actions where we will go after this life and I will not lose my
chances no matter what the devil may think he has to say on the matter. Home
may have been the biggest weakness to tempt self-destruct, but I refuse to
answer that call. And with years of time and space of separation, the threat
level has gone from 99% down to maybe 8%. And it feels so good.
No comments:
Post a Comment