17: Awakened Dreams

D&C 88: 118

And as all have not faith, seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith.

Awakened Dreams

4/14/05, 5/12/06

The world can be a scary place

But something sets me free

With music of another world

To dream how things can be.

Emotion raw, emotion pure

Great thoughts to ride upon

Truth spoken there for all to hear

Where minds are later drawn.

Awakened dreams once long forgot

Are stirred within its wake

That yet, perhaps, there is a chance

Of dreams a future make.

Ennobled heart, so tired once

Now stands with life anew

Fresh strength to walk that higher road

To show those dreams as true.

For as long as I can remember, I have always been drawn to the power of story and song. I have probably read more than a couple thousand books and  seem to have an insatiable appetite for good stories. They have so much to learn from, be it understanding of different people and situations, communication, economics, society, politics, government, science, humanity - life overall. And in these stories I see purpose and value in life and so many parallels that demonstrate gospel principles whether they are obvious or understood through the character's lack of understanding. It provides an energy and centering effect on me and tends to have the greatest ability to restore my balance when life throws curve-balls.

11: I cry (unfinished)

Luke 10: 30-37

30 And Jesus answering said, A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.

31 And by chance there came down a certain priest that way: and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side.
32 And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side.
33 But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him,
34 And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him.
35 And on the morrow when he departed, he took out two pence, and gave them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him; and whatsoever thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee.
36 Which now of these three, thinkest thou, was neighbour unto him that fell among the thieves?
37 And he said, He that shewed mercy on him. Then said Jesus unto him, Go, and do thou likewise.

I cry (unfinished)

10/15/05

I cry inside the tears I cannot show

And fight the fears that only seem to grow

I fight the pain that comes but will not go

To save myself from worse should someone know.

And still I dream of better things to come

Of hopes, and dreams, and joys, and even fun

Of starry nights, of cloud and rain, or sun

Safe home that's free, of peace and warmth and love.

But here I'm trapped and fail to hide the pain

Of blows that keep coming time and time again

This was a rough weekend. It went in cycles at home where things would kind of be calm for a while and then the tensions would build till I was on edge always wondering just when the explosion would occur and what would trigger it. I'd been feeling it all week and this was what came out that Saturday. The mental and emotional full-frontal attack came the next night lasting well into the morning hours. I nearly missed a critical appointment the next morning due to the total exhaustion left from it. Thankfully, one of the people I have had available at times for support was there to mitigate the further potential strain and even relieve the strain that was there.

I was part of a committee on campus and we had a big activity specific to our group that day. Being part of the presidency, I had been there during the morning to help prepare before the rest came. During down time while food was cooking the others went who knows where and I tried to calm my spirit's stress by playing on the piano in one of the rooms. It did not help as much as it usually would. So I started writing. This was the result. It helped more. But I was still only minimally responsive to others all that day as the weight of the coming attack was such that I could not contain it and be social. None of them had a clue. But then it would have been hard to see it as the stress was so much during this time that I was constantly fighting to keep it all under wraps. So it wouldn't have looked all that different from what they had seen of me.

2: Alone in my Dreams

Haggai 1:13

Then spake Haggai the Lord's messenger

in the Lord's message unto the people,

saying, I am with you, saith the Lord.

Alone in my Dreams

8/3/05

I dream sometimes when I'm alone

Of home, of peace, and, yes, of love

But dreams are not and still I'm here

Seeing, I am unseen

Loving, I'm unloved

Remembering yet forgotten.

I live, and times I'm torn in two

Fighting the urge just to dream

Lost from the home I cannot find

Looking - still lost

Dreaming for hope

Living, I am alone.

And so I dream what life may be

Crying tears no one cares to see

Praying my dreams will come true

Laughing and loving

A home of my own

Never alone again.

In a word, this expresses the isolation felt by one caught in bad situations with no comprehend-able prospect for escape.  It seems not very surprising to me that people in such circumstances turn to ways that are not considered acceptable to fill the void and counter the terror of being so completely without control, be it drugs, gangs, dangerous sexual activity, and other worrisome coping mechanisms.