Afterword

Afterword

Friday, May 04, 2012

1:04 PM

I woke, this morning thinking of a boy I knew during high school. With youth group activities, we were sometimes near enough to interact and there were a few times when I was a less than well-behaved. Looking back, I remember feeling a vague sense that I was not being nice, maybe even a bully, but it was too vague a sense to truly grasp. What I did feel was that I finally had a turn to be in control, that I wasn't the one being emotionally and psychologically battered. That I wasn't weak.

What I was doing was treating him as I was always treated at home and the chance to get out of my own hated weakness somehow lent itself to me reversing the role onto someone else who was, in truth, innocent. I would guess that is why it is so common for abuse victims to turn around and become abusers themselves. I can't say how many times I've looked back, mainly on one particular evening, with great regret and remorse. The truth was, I always respected this boy and while he was always a bit aloof when I was around, he was also still always respectful, even after I had hit him with every 'boys are stupid' and such-like that I'd had available. It is even more ironic for me to remember that he was, as I saw it, also a popular boy and far from the type one might normally imagine as a bully target.

The truth is, it had nothing to do with him. I didn't understand what I was doing then, but over the years as I have looked back on these memories, I know that I was simply desperate to not feel so powerless myself and he happened to be there. I think also, it might have been so easy because he was a good kid and since I always was trying so hard to be good and still had everything turned against me, his goodness made it easier for me to funnel it all off of myself. At least, that's what it felt like at the time.

The second time such an opportunity came around, I was not as nice as would be hoped, but I was very vocal about making sure we weren't paired up again in the etiquette dinner. I believe that was a combination of me fighting the urge, poorly, to behave as I had the year before, and subconsciously trying to protect him from that urge to be horrible to him again. He may never know the truth of those years, but I have learned from it, and I believe the experience may find value in the understanding of others. For I believe that understanding brings far greater power than simple knowledge. With understanding, we are given the perspective needed to act with wisdom. 

5/21/16

Just FYI, but aside from learning to break the cruel sarcasms pattern from home (which the Spirit pointed out to me in 7th grade and I worked hard to eliminate in myself from that point on), this experience was really the only time this behavior came out. Mostly, my nature has been to observe and engage when applicable.

If the siblings find their way to this blog, I'm sure they would claim otherwise, but the misnomer of 'bossy' because I was expected to ensure all chores were completed and everything in the house was perfect is not the same. Especially when a single request/reminder was reported to the parents as out of line so that I'd get in trouble and they wouldn't have to do anything. Oh, but the chore was still required, which now, conveniently, was my problem. As I said - not the same thing at all.

On another note, this concludes what I have long called my 'Poem Journal', which covers the more critical years of my efforts to break away from an abusive home and the thoughts and emotions that would build and spill out in poem form because they had nowhere else to go. I imagine I will find other related topics to post about in the future, so this is not farewell. I may post older, related poems (I've one in particular in mind if I can track it down) or ones written since. I may re-post some from my main blog, Of Good Report. I have a whole section there about dealing with abuse. Whatever and whenever, this topic is near and dear to me and I will continue to speak about it so that maybe others will learn to speak up as well.

36: Lazarus Heart?

Alma 32: 26-27

26 Now, as I said concerning faith -- that it was not a perfect knowledge -- even so it is with my words. Ye cannot know of their surety at first, unto perfection, any more than faith is a perfect knowledge.

27 But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.

Lazarus Heart?

1/15/09

My heart lies cold - its life spent out

On hope for home and kin

So freely seen in neighbor lives,

So many gathered in.

Long coveted I what is not so

In Promise' timeless face

Till empty strength and empty time

Forfeit this solo race.

Now body shall live though heart has died,

Though no-one sees to mourn

'Less Lazarus heart the Lord shall raise -

Should thus His will be borne.

Even when you have no strength left and have to let go, you can remember that the Lord can raise anything from death - be it hope, love, life, peace, safety, understanding.

We are taught that if we can only desire to believe, that it is enough for the Lord to work with. So too, I believe, can He work with what we see as our failures in life - strength, family, work, health. He can make them all find life again. So even when we lose hope, we can remember Lazarus and hope again.

35: How? When

Isaiah 55: 8-9

8 For my thoughts are not your thought,

neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.

9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways,

and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Mosiah 4:9

Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend.

Isaiah 9: 6

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace.

How? When

6/15/08

To face a fear so long a threat

To not fear the hurt they gave

To break the chains of fear they hold

To breathe free, feel calm, stay safe.

I wish I knew how not to fear

To believe no harm can be done

That the monsters of my past are dead

To believe that threat is gone.

Somehow he must become a face

Not one I've known for years

Somehow the threat must empty out

Somehow lay rest these fears.

They say he cannot hurt me

Though still he yet may try

They say I must just forward face

And leave these fears to die?

How?

But perhaps 'how?' is the wrong question - Better still is 'When'.

<Ralph Marston>

When

             the fears that hold you back

When your reasons to move forward outweigh your excuses for staying put, you will move forward.

…

…

…

When you are ready, life is here to fully live.

Choose it, and now is when.

Ralph Marston

The truth is not worrying so much about the how. The Lord will provide what is needed if we stay in tune with Him. He will also manage the speed. More often than not, in my efforts with the ultimate Counselor (see Isaiah 9:6) He has said 'not yet' more than He has said 'time to move on'. Whatever the timing is, when you are ready, the way will be there.

34: Nothing Left

Alma 13: 28-29

28 But that ye would humble yourselves before the Lord, and call on his holy name, and watch and pray continually, that ye may not be tempted above that which ye can bear, and thus be led by the Holy Spirit, becoming humble, meek submissive, patient, full of love and all long-suffering;

29 Having faith on the Lord; having a hope that ye shall receive eternal life; having the love of God always in your hearts, that ye may be lifted up at the last day and enter into his rest.

Alma 36: 3

...whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day.

Nothing Left

4/15/08

'How much longer?' the question echoes,

And, 'Can I make it?' is close behind.

They say I have to care.

Yet I have nothing left to give.

And so I mourn

Because I fail.

But at least I gave my all.

And so I can rest as down I fall

And hope in the arms that will catch me.

Someone I know once told me of a dream she tends to have when faced with an obstacle requiring faith. It is as follows.

She is walking on a path towards a great cliff, the top of which she knows is heaven. The path is easy at first with pretty flowers along the way. As it goes it gets a bit steeper and more difficult but it is still quite manageable. Then it becomes more of rock climbing and requires all her concentration. It takes great effort but she is doing it. Her strength begins to fail and she begins to fear. Looking below, the rocks look like jagged teeth and she knows it will be her doom if she falls and the thought of having to try climbing again after is more than she can handle. She begins to pray and can hear the Father and the Son above telling her to let go. Of course she cannot let go so she keeps trying, climbing till the surface provides no more hand-holds and her fingers have been bloodied to the bone. Still above, they encourage her to let go. She dares not, but soon her fingers have worn down so much they break and she falls. She mourns as she sees heaven get further and further away. Shortly before she hits the bottom, the Savior catches her and carries her to the top. On the way he asks her, "Did you really think I would let you fall?"

The scriptures tell us that 'we know that it is by grace that we are saved after all that we can do.' We can't save ourselves. We must be on the right path and continuing forward as well as we can manage, but despite what my dad always tried to convince me, we can't and aren't expected to be able to do it all ourselves. Having obstacles that require more than we personally can manage are opportunities to turn to the Lord and trust in Him. Trust that He will make it right. Trust that He has provided the way to recompense the hurts against you, that He will guide you in a way that will make even more good come from the bad than you could imagine. Let His atonement give you strength and courage and peace. He suffered for everything. Your sins and others'. The illnesses and deaths. The heartaches and hurts and distresses of everyone. He knows. He cares. And He is there waiting for all of us to let Him into our lives so that He can help make it right even when the actions of others stand ready to tear us down. Trust His guidance and when this mortal probation is over you will find more than you ever imagined possible.

33: Silent Hope

Proverbs 13: 12

Hope deferred maketh the heart sick:

but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.

Silent Hope

I learned a truth at younger age

Of protection in not being;

That releasing claim on rights or wants

Numbs life's constant sting.

For if I have no claim on love

Withheld leaves no surprise

So why does silent hope spring forth

To see love in one's eyes?

'Tis good the Lord still holds my heart

In His protective care

For else it'd die so many deaths

As each hope bails on fare.

(11/18/08)

I truly survived by convincing myself I was nothing more than a slave. A slave has no rights therefore nothing can be done against a slave that is wrong. Therefore there should be no cause for feeling hurt at what happens. It did not make all of the hurt go away, but it cut it down by a good half. And if you don't let yourself want anything, that want can't be held against you as punishment or manipulation.

It is the same idea expressed by the lead male in the dance movie Step Up. The girl asked him what he hoped for his future and his response was that it was safer not to hope because then it wouldn't hurt when it didn't happen.

Loss and rejection is hard and it becomes devastating when repeated over and over. Each time we hope and our hope proves false can make it that much harder to try again. But ultimately, we can't let hope go for it will prove true if we hold on long enough. The way I sometimes had to keep it alive was to tuck it away like a seed waiting for spring to come again and fresh ground to try once more.

32: No Arms

2 Nephi 1:15

But behold, the Lord hath redeemed my soul from hell; I have beheld his glory,

and am encircled about eternally in the arms of his love.

No Arms

2/6/08

I have no arms to pull me home

No arms to pull me safely in

No place of peace to rest my heart

No endless refuge from the storm.

No arms to shield me from the pain

Or hold away a threatening for

No arms to wipe the tired tears

Or wait for mournful sobs to slow.

I have no arms to claim my own

That wish to hold me ever near

No arms to share a loving warmth

To hold me close to someone dear.

(3/26/12 - 2 Nephi 1:15 - Ensign April '12)

"The Loving Arms of Christ"

see 'Arms of Love'

For a long time I particularly treasured hugs because it made me feel like if someone was actually willing to touch me then I must not be so horrible as I'd been made to feel. Just as I sought comfort being wrapped in my blanket the day I found my mother dead, I have sensed a security and comfort intimated in being held close by another. I have longed for that feeling to be proven real. It means welcome and acceptance and concern and love and protection and I have craved that reality for so long.

A bit over four years after writing this particular poem, the Lord showed me that while I've not had an actual person filling that role, He has ever been there with His arms stretched out in my need and He has held me close in His care. When I read the words that spoke these thoughts I knew immediately the Lord was answering this poem's prayer. Someday I will also have a husband and a home and a family and I will not only have the arms to hold me close but I will also be able to hold them close as well. In the meantime, I must be content to share what hugs I can with others.

31: The Legacy of Home

Romans 8: 35, 37-39

35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors

through him that loved us.

38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

The Legacy of Home

2/3/08

Who am I? Why does He want me?

Why does being His daughter give me value? Why should I have any rights? How dare I make any claim on Him? Why should my existence have value to Him or anyone?

Only in doing good. But I am not perfect, so when I am not good, where is the justification for inflicting myself on others?

I have chosen Him. I will never want to change that choice. At times I am appalled by my audacity and ashamed of the nothing He has claimed as His own. A voice whispers that this should not be so, but could someone please explain to me Why?

This is the strongest example of the psychology of the abused finding voice in my poem journal. This is what is left behind after constant belittlement, ridicule, torment, and disgust by abusers. The feeling you must be perfect, that you have no worth, the shame of existing in the first place, and if you can see that it's not supposed to be that way, the complete incomprehension of why, how.

The gospel, church, taught me the difference between what was and what should be. Years of protection by hundreds of miles away from home has begun to teach me how life can be without the abuse. As I find peace and security in the healthy, the hurt has less hold and sway and the further I get in healing, the faster I'm able to make progress.

The scriptures teach the why. The fact is that God does love me. He does not and never has seen me the way I was taught to see myself. As I recognize and accept His love and patience with and acceptance of others around me I can begin to consider the same for myself. It may not make sense to the me raised at home, but it no longer has to because I can recognize the lunacy of life at home. And that home is no more for me so I am free of it to focus on what is: that God does love me and He wants me back with Him.

30: Free to live

1 Corinthians 12:20-22, 25-26

20 But now are they many members, yet but one body.

21 And the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of thee: nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of you.

22 Nay, much more those members of the body, which seem to be more feeble are necessary:

25 That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another.

26 And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it.

Free to live

12/30/07

This path I entered years ago

Has come at last to end

And now I stand with aching heart

But joy for my lost friend.

I walked the path the Lord bade me

In faith, though strength did fade

But faith proved true and through the end

With honor have I stayed.

So now my path's to be my own

And free I am to live

To walk, and wish, and will, and want

All God's blessing He will give.

It felt like I had lost a friend in leaving family behind. Truth is, it was more an imagined ideal I had hoped for that was lost. Family should love and care about each other; what makes each person special and unique coming together in a unity of love and respect.

It was not so, but I can do all I can to someday build a family like I wished so much mine had been.

29: Will You See? Will You Hear?

Colossians 3: 20-21

20 Children, obey your parents in all things:

for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.

21 Fathers,

provoke not your children to anger,

lest they be discouraged.

D&C 136: 32

Let him that is ignorant learn wisdom by humbling himself and calling upon the Lord his God, that his eyes may be opened that he may see, and his ears opened that he may hear;

Will You See? Will You Hear?

9/7/07

When did you kill the Me in your hearts?

When did it cease to be home?

When did you forfeit my dearness to duty?

When did I turn to task in form?

They say they have love, and care and concern

And seek for the state of my soul

Yet that soul they've denied, disdained and despised

Ill-handled and painted as coal.

My choices are judged for reflections on them

Though they claim they seek only my good

Yet if I should stray down a path they view wrong

Then, 'Attack! 'til she's back where she stood!'

Their view won't allow for a path they can't see

So they've stated they will not support

Blind to revealing my worth to be

Known only in 'good' report.

They'd help when required by duty they know

Standing in judgment and self-sure repose

Just as I've seen towards brothers of blood

So, the same unto me, I'd suppose.

I care not for this bond, for bondage it is,

For this fight I'm doomed never to win

Worth ever dying in expectations passed

Back at zero to always begin.

So stuck, I lament, as this tale I began

Though in answers I see no release

For freedom I seek from these chains so absurd

And in freedom, for once, lasting peace.

(also 9/7/07)

These words may seem harsh but I've lived with their truth and I wish to be free of it. Few seem able to comprehend the connection between words and the thoughts they betray, but the truth of them I know so deeply it sets my teeth on edge. For knowing changes nothing. And while 'All is Well' I must LET all be well lest contention be laid to my charge, all the while knowing that all is most definitely NOT well. I hate even the thought of interaction with parental units for this very reason. Oh! It makes me sick inside, I hate it! But I'm stuck, for I, too, know duty. Oh, that our paths could be independent that I could respect and honor  them on theirs and be free of the nothingness I've known under them on mine. Compulsion engenders no love towards masters. As family I love them, but rarely have they chosen to submit the master to the parent. Anger and offended pride win out by a landslide. THAT is what I have learned to trust though there is not trust engendered by it. And I would be free of it.

Let truth win out and let me be free.

Only, tell me how?

Please

It was a day short of three weeks later that Heavenly Father let me know I could leave without looking back. 

28: Not Like Others

Moses 7:30

And were it possible that man could number the particles of the earth, yea, millions of earths like this, it would not be a beginning to the number of thy creations; and thy curtains are stretched out still; and yet thou art there, and thy bosom is there; and also thou art just; thou art merciful and kind forever;

Not Like Others

7/26/07

Only one of many

Watching as numbers surge and swell and decline all around.

Wondering where I fit in.

Many ways I turn I see places where others have made room.

For spaces of time I welcome the welcome,

But I keep watching for the place that is mine.

Few understand this urge for different.

I am not like others.

Others look for any fitting place and then seek to fit their choice.

I seek the place that is mine.

I have learned that to fit the places other seek and see,

The part that is me must be cut away.

Though I have often wondered why I am,

I have just as often discovered the drive to protect what is me.

I do not understand what that is, or why it should be so foreign

That so many shy away from it or attack with scorn in fear.

All I know is that I am not like others.

Understanding this in junior high made life a lot easier for me.  I did not have to feel like I had to fit in, like I needed to fit the patterns of the people around me. As a past bishop once taught, expectations can cause complications if we set them beyond healthy bounds. His point was more that we would find discouragement in failing expectations we could not realistically have achieved under our personal ability to ensure. I think this applies also to our place in the world and society around us. When we accept that we don't have to be like others, we will prove less susceptible to peer-pressure. The one place where I was vulnerable was at home, but in the past years I have learned I don't have to be like them or fit into the place they demanded either. And it feels good to know that I'm original. 

27: The Choice of Jerusalem

Mosiah 26: 3

And now because of their unbelief

they could not understand the word of God;

and their hearts were hardened.

The Choice of Jerusalem

Summer 07, 1/6/08, 2/1/08

Had I been in Jerusalem

The time The King first came

Would I have mocked, and spurned, and scorned

His Blessed, Holy Name?

Would I have walked in wondering steps

The path that Jesus trod?

Would I have known those steps to mark

The only way to God?

I am not in Jerusalem

But still I have this choice

To stray or fight the truth He speaks

Or heed His Holy Voice.

You, as well, must make your choice

For hope He died to give

To heed or hate, the choice is yours,

His gift that we might live.

The Jewish religion is one of the oldest in the world. It was the parent of Christianity. Yet so few of the Jews were willing to recognize the Messiah when He came because He was not the answer they wanted.

Here, in this time, I was raised in Christianity and understand how and why it had to be as it was - the suffering Messiah before the conquering Messiah. But if I was not raised to understand, I wonder how foreign and strange it would seem to me. Sometimes I try to think of the world and how I would perceive everything without this knowledge and then how I would react to someone telling me of the gospel. It has allowed me build a stronger testimony of its truth and I hope I would have had the strength of character to truly listen, consider, and accept it had I been there back then.

26: Hope

1 Peter 3: 15

But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear.

Hope

2/18/07

The flame of hope wants to be shared

But must be guarded well

From those who have not eyes to see

Who'd try its strength to tell.

They blow to try your strength and will

To keep it burning on

They blow for fear what it will show

For long their flame's been gone.

So guard you precious hope and faith

From those who wish to kill

For doubt or fear - it matters not -

Just keep it burning still.

Hope can melt the ice of fear

And fuel the tired heart

And lift another's burden clear

And prompt a better start.

So guard your precious hope and faith

To share with those who see

That hope gives strength when wisely shared

And sets the bound heart free.

Out of faith, hope, and charity, hope is the least represented it seems. I see faith as the belief in something we may not understand that motivates us to act accordingly. Hope is the expectation that our faith is not in vain. I believe it is a symbiotic relationship - they feed each other. Without them, we may act, but it would not be the same for we would feel the actions were empty of meaning. This in turn would ultimately lead to abandoning the actions or resenting whatever actions we continued.

It is the original source of charity, the pure love Christ offered us that allows us the chance to have faith and hope. By overcoming the effects of death and sin, life and our actions have meaning again. Instead of emptiness there is a future possible of continued life for everyone. There is hope.

25: Help Will Come

D&C 68: 6

Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you; and ye shall bear record of me, even Jesus  Christ, that I am the Son of the living God, that I was, that I am, and that I am to come.

Help Will Come

2/18/07

No matter how alone you feel

Or, in truth, you may well be

Or how you cry out in your soul

For one to trust continually.

No matter how you search and look

And still there is no-one

Have faith, be still, do not lose hope

For always, help will come.

The source, each different, yet the same

The Lord works through the ones who will

Each help made equal to each need

Shows us the Lord is faithful still.

He sends one soul to listen well

Another to suggest

And when there's no-one to give hope

By His help we'll be blessed.

So though heart, faith and hope are tired

And still you have no-one

Have faith, be still, do not give up

And hope, for help will come.

Coming from the family problems that so dominated my life, I do not and have not had the family support that I watch so many others regularly fall back on. All the same, there has always been the help needed when something was beyond my own capabilities. Sometimes I could talk to one friend or another, sometimes I happened across a random reference that helped me understand, sometimes a random stranger appeared more than willing to help, sometimes  my dreams would give me perspective, sometimes it was simply a blessing of peace. But I was never left alone by Heavenly Father. And I promise that so long as you want Him there, He will never leave you alone either. He does not always give the answer we want as quickly as we want, but He will always be there to give us the help we need.

24: Unfinished Prayer

Alma 36:17-20

17 And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold, I remembered also to have heard by father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.

18 Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death.

19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.

20 And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!

Unfinished Prayer

12/06

I walk life's roads not knowing where

The journey's end may be

And now life's questions cloud my heart -

Oh, Lord! Please help me see!

Oh, Lord, please help me know my place  -

Where I am and where I go

And if I've worth - then what it is

Oh, Lord! Please help me know.

And Lord, if Thou wouldst heal this heart

Where hurt has hid so long

That I may now be free of fear

That right may come from wrong.

The Lord allows the horrible to happen because we must all have the opportunity to prove ourselves. He does not condone bad behavior nor does He forget those who suffer because of it. It is  through His atonement and redeeming sacrifice that allows for right to come from wrong. By keeping His commandments and enduring to the end, we are enabled by His grace to make more than circumstances would otherwise allow.

People can do horrible things to each other, things I have no experience with even in my difficult life. Yet it is those who have overcome the worst that have gained the most compassion and wisdom and power to do good because they know and understand far more than those who have lived more sheltered lives. Even those who have made the ill choices have this opportunity through repentance. While it is not better that they have those experiences of wrong-doing, the truth of their experience can have a stronger impact in encouraging others to avoid the same mistakes.

23: Let Me Rest

Psalm 23

1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

Let Me Rest

8/31/06

My heart, though faint, awoken

By promises I hold

As true, for he does bid that

I trust His holy Word.

My path blocked but a moment

My weary legs I rest

And wait on His good judgment

With faith I'll pass the test.

So let me rest my body

My spirit, and my soul

For soon time will be proving

As my future claims the goal.

I have learned that it is important to give yourself breathers a long the way. My first attempt at a Bachelor's degree was a head-long drive to finish as fast as I could. I burned out and I did not finish.

My second time through, I was able to fit in a random class of my choosing to fill out the full time credit requirement and discovered that not only did I get to learn cool new things just for fun, I didn't get so overwhelmed and burned out by having too much of the same subject.

The same concept applies to life in general. Sometimes you just need a breather. That would be why you hear so much about meditation - it allows for a break to clear the mind, the heart, the soul. It adds more fuel to the tank and cleans what's already there. And may it be noted that prayer would be the best form of meditation available for it puts you in contact with the ultimate source of strength and understanding.

22: Enough Within My Best

Mark 12:41-44

41 And Jesus sat over against the treasury, and beheld how the people cast money into the treasury: and many that were rich cast in much.

42 And there came a certain poor widow, and she threw in two mites, which make a farthing.

43 And he called unto him his disciples, and saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That this poor widow hath cast more in, than all they which have cast into the treasury:

44 For all they did cast in of their abundance; but she of her want did cast in all that she had, even all her living.

Mosiah 4:27

And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it in not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.

Enough Within My Best

8/30/06

Many thoughts confused

So many feelings felt

The world to take no notice

On what long my mind has dwelt.

My path so long in darkness

Still yet in darkness hides

Set long ago by Father

Where still my faith resides.

I walk not knowing where

My next footfall will land

As ever my heart prays

The white dove on the sand.

So please forgive my silence

My heart is craving rest

For ever I must trust that

There's enough within my best.

At home, my efforts only just barely reached 'good enough' if I gave far more than I could healthily maintain and if anything ever interfered with reaching the expectations demanded I was far from good at all. For years I was haunted by a fear of never being good enough, that all my efforts never would be enough. With time I have realized that enough is really simply a matter of my best and that 'my best' is a fluctuating value. If I'm too sick to get out of bed, then there is no guilt in not making it out of bed. If I've scrimped and saved to simply pay bills, I don't have to feel guilty for making a gift instead of buying a favorite item. If I'm up to a hike I can go and enjoy it without having to be the first to the top. If asthma kicks in, I can stop without embarrassment.

Even more, when I have successes, they count as success. Not only can I give good enough, I can be good . I can simply be and find satisfaction in not worrying what is considered good enough or not because I know in my very core that I desire to be good and, if left to myself, I will give my best without being compelled. I strive to remember the Lord and follow the commandments and then just take joy in the journey and hope in the journey to come.

21: The Story Inside

Luke 6: 37

Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:

3 Nephi 14:1-2

1 And now it came to pass that when Jesus had spoken these words he turned again to the multitude, and did open his mouth unto them again, saying: Verily, verily, I say unto you, Judge not, that ye be not judged.

2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged; and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.

The Story Inside

7/26/06

There is, deep within my soul,

The story that's my own

My dreams, my fear, my hurt, my joy

A story few have known.

This story takes some time to read,

True care, and effort, too

And few there be that care to read

Until the story's through.

Some think that, with passing glance

The story can be read

But glance denies the life within -

The story's truths left dead.

My story has its place in life

It cannot be denied

My life, my heart, my past, beyond

And all that's held inside.

Sometimes my story falls asleep

My dreams, in pain, forgot

But dreams awake when wonder calls

And beckons heart and thought.

In dreams I find my story true

And life, the wonder gives

And this is why, though passed unseen,

Still yet, my story lives.

How often do we think we can judge a book by its cover, or even by its chapter headings? Having studied with a number of English majors who thought they were the smartest people on campus, I have been surprised by the shallowness of judgment so often expressed against various characters that simply didn't fit a personality they would like in real life. I suppose it comes down to charity and empathy. Can you and are you willing to actually care about a person and would you walk a mile in their shoes or would you just criticize their choice of footwear or path or speed or any number of elements that can only truly be judged by the one who has actually walked that path. Thankfully, the Savior's atonement means that He has walked exactly each of our situations so He will never judge unfairly as we are so quick to do ourselves.

20: Edges of Eternity

Mosiah 7: 19

Therefore, lift up your heads and rejoice, and put your trust in God, in that God who was the God of Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob; and also that God who brought the children of Israel out of the land of Egypt, and caused that they should walk through the Red Sea on dry ground, and fed them with manna that they might not perish in the wilderness; and many more things did he do for them.

Alma 36: 3

And now, O my son Helaman, behold, thou art in thy youth, and therefore, I beseech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day.

Edges of Eternity

6/06 - 7/17/06

I'm standing blindfolded,

On the edge of eternity,

Hoping my eyes will come to see

The hopes my heart has

Struggles so long to hold onto.

This edge is one of many

Both past and yet to come

And each requires faith in things unknown.

I feel the wind gently pulling me on

As I step from the grasp of what was

And slowly anticipation builds

With the sense of the wonders ahead.

And so I step again

And trust the clouds to be my ground.

A person does not need to go skydiving or bungee jumping or any of the crazy things people do to get an adrenaline rush. Just ask any person on the verge of making a huge change in life on faith. What's more, the more you exercise faith, the more Heavenly Father trusts you to follow His lead and the more He will provide you opportunities to strengthen and grow even more faith. I'd even challenge an adrenaline junky to try to live on faith for a while to see if they're brave enough to handle it. They may just discover life will supply plenty of opportunity on its own.

19: With Me, Waiting

2 Thessalonians 3: 5

And the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God,

and into the patient waiting for Christ.

D&C 98: 1-3

1 Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks;

2 Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament -- the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted.

3 Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name's glory, saith the Lord.

With Me, Waiting

4/9/06

The Lord sits with me, waiting

While I wonder what's ahead

At this train stop for my future

With His peace - my patience fed.

I will not see its coming, though

For He, my sight, has hid

That I may learn to trust in Him

To walk as He may bid.

Others urge me leave this place

"No train is scheduled here"

They cannot see the One who sits

With promise it is near.

And so I sit here watching

As past cares pass me by

And dream of future hopes and joys

And dream of open sky.

For I must stay here waiting

Or the train I'll surely miss

But the Lord sits with me ever, still

To hear that engine's hiss.

Oi. One of the hardest parts of following the Lord's direction is when He wants us to wait. In a gospel that focuses so much on being proactive and productive, to purposely hold a specific position on serious issues is seen as highly negligent. In a goal oriented world where a regularly updated progress report is expected to be available, patiently waiting the Lord's timing is not often recognized for what it is.

Yet any true gardener knows that there are times and seasons important for successful growth. If you plant too soon, the plant may freeze and die before its proper season is here. If too late, it will not have time to grow to maturity. And once planted, you can't expect to pull the plant up and measure the growth of its roots everyday and still manage a strong, healthy plant - the strain would severely damage it.

We are all unique plants with our lives following a seasonal pattern that will not always match the general patterns around us. I have seen this in operation in my own life as well as others I have known. The trick is to live the best you can manage and trust in the personal guidance you receive from above.