28: Not Like Others

Moses 7:30

And were it possible that man could number the particles of the earth, yea, millions of earths like this, it would not be a beginning to the number of thy creations; and thy curtains are stretched out still; and yet thou art there, and thy bosom is there; and also thou art just; thou art merciful and kind forever;

Not Like Others

7/26/07

Only one of many

Watching as numbers surge and swell and decline all around.

Wondering where I fit in.

Many ways I turn I see places where others have made room.

For spaces of time I welcome the welcome,

But I keep watching for the place that is mine.

Few understand this urge for different.

I am not like others.

Others look for any fitting place and then seek to fit their choice.

I seek the place that is mine.

I have learned that to fit the places other seek and see,

The part that is me must be cut away.

Though I have often wondered why I am,

I have just as often discovered the drive to protect what is me.

I do not understand what that is, or why it should be so foreign

That so many shy away from it or attack with scorn in fear.

All I know is that I am not like others.

Understanding this in junior high made life a lot easier for me.  I did not have to feel like I had to fit in, like I needed to fit the patterns of the people around me. As a past bishop once taught, expectations can cause complications if we set them beyond healthy bounds. His point was more that we would find discouragement in failing expectations we could not realistically have achieved under our personal ability to ensure. I think this applies also to our place in the world and society around us. When we accept that we don't have to be like others, we will prove less susceptible to peer-pressure. The one place where I was vulnerable was at home, but in the past years I have learned I don't have to be like them or fit into the place they demanded either. And it feels good to know that I'm original. 

25: Help Will Come

D&C 68: 6

Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you; and ye shall bear record of me, even Jesus  Christ, that I am the Son of the living God, that I was, that I am, and that I am to come.

Help Will Come

2/18/07

No matter how alone you feel

Or, in truth, you may well be

Or how you cry out in your soul

For one to trust continually.

No matter how you search and look

And still there is no-one

Have faith, be still, do not lose hope

For always, help will come.

The source, each different, yet the same

The Lord works through the ones who will

Each help made equal to each need

Shows us the Lord is faithful still.

He sends one soul to listen well

Another to suggest

And when there's no-one to give hope

By His help we'll be blessed.

So though heart, faith and hope are tired

And still you have no-one

Have faith, be still, do not give up

And hope, for help will come.

Coming from the family problems that so dominated my life, I do not and have not had the family support that I watch so many others regularly fall back on. All the same, there has always been the help needed when something was beyond my own capabilities. Sometimes I could talk to one friend or another, sometimes I happened across a random reference that helped me understand, sometimes a random stranger appeared more than willing to help, sometimes  my dreams would give me perspective, sometimes it was simply a blessing of peace. But I was never left alone by Heavenly Father. And I promise that so long as you want Him there, He will never leave you alone either. He does not always give the answer we want as quickly as we want, but He will always be there to give us the help we need.

12: Sharing hopes with a friend

Proverbs17:17

A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

Sharing hopes with a friend

10/20/05

In my mind I see a picture

In my heart I feel a peace

A future inexpressible

On life, a whole new lease.

My life is out there, waiting

As my future comes to view

I could spend so much time sharing

All my hopes and dreams with you.

Now I know my life is only one

Of many; Yes, I see

But I'm ever so excited

For the things I know can be.

Perhaps in listening you'd find

That I would listen too

Should you share your hopes and dreams

The things that make you you.

For friends should share each other's joys

Their sorrow, hope, and pain

And stand, united, always

In trust and love unfeigned.

So forgive me if I ramble

On the joys I sense to come

For I would love to hear of you -

Your all, and then still some.

For friends we are and always

Stand tall, and strong, and true

I thank God daily, that I have

Such a friend in You!

Oh, how I wished I had a real friend, a reliable friend. Mature enough to see and accept the hard realities I've had to handle and true enough that they would  allow me to prove myself a friend in return.

Friends during my first 25 years did not exactly qualify as friends. Many, too immature to understand or too self-centered to care, stated blandly that I just wasn't worth being a friend to - that I must just not want to be happy.  Considering the abuse and also the strain of responsibility in caring for an ill mother till I discovered her dead one morning and also caring for younger siblings for years through high school and early college, I think it's fair to say I should not have been condemned for being on an emotional roller-coaster.

The truth is, I have trouble looking at 98% of the people I knew before I left the town I lived in as friends. Even the ones I talked to with regularity are strangers to me because I know they have no idea what was really going on. The me they thought they knew is not who I was or am and so it feels false the few times I've tried to talk to any of them. I also know that because abuse is so often hidden from the view of those not living in it, it is hard for the clueless to accept the truth. And the truth for me is that I'm not looking to make a big deal out of it for attention or revenge or pity and I do not like pointless confrontation so it's easiest just to let the dead stay dead.

7: Nowhere Else

St Luke 9:57-58

57 And it came to pass, that, as they went in the way,

a certain man said unto him,

Lord, I will follow thee whithersoever thou goest.

58 And Jesus said unto him,

Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests;

but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head.

Nowhere Else

8/31/05

I'm trying to right

My upside-down world

Left alone to discover this path

No one to walk with

To say, 'Yes, that's right'

No one to shield me from wrath.

Someone once told me

I must walk alone

For now, that is what I must do

So I walk alone

Though, perhaps, he is wrong

Until then, still I walk, shoe by shoe.

I walk ever on

Hoping I walk aright

Past people who claim that they care

I must trust that they do

Though I still walk alone

Having nowhere else, somehow I'll get there.

Boyz II Men "I Will Get There"

I have a number of play-lists of songs I find encouraging or for purging sadness and emotional fatigue. (I tend to process the emotions better if I allow myself to feel them until I don't need to so melancholy songs make the list as well.) As I was first typing in this particular poem, I left myself a note that one of those songs reminds me of this poem, or perhaps the other way around. It is from The Prince of Egypt soundtrack by Boyz II Men titled "I Will Get There". It speaks of being in chains but being determined to break free no matter what it takes, that even when it all seems dark, of continuing to try and holding onto faith that ultimately the sun will shine again and the far side of the trial will be obtained.

It seems hard that so much of it seemed so alone and in many cases truly was. I would often have to have imaginary conversations with people I knew to try to figure out what was going on and how to handle all of it since I knew everyone I knew was too busy to be bothered with my baffling world. Honestly, I don't think many would have been of much help unless they'd come from a similar background and could recognize what was happening since it's taken me so many years further to begin to understand it myself. But even then, each person must walk their own path through life making theirs own decisions along the way. And we will be judged according to our choices whether or not we had the ideal circumstances. The Lord will indeed be merciful and judge us with the full comprehension of what we've had to work with, but we must not let our difficulties become an excuse to falter in the intention of our hearts. Standing or walking alone is not an excuse to act against what we know is right.

*I felt like I needed to break the schedule and set this next one up early. Then I saw which one it was. At this very moment I know someone who is ill and one night away from being homeless. So I'm posting this early, too, because I hope something in this will help give her courage and comfort.

5: Love me, and I will be free

D & C 121:45-46

45 Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men,and to the household of faith,and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly;then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God;...

46 The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, …and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever.

Love me, and I will be free

 8/24/05

Speak for me - I have no voice.

Listen to me - hear the words my heart can't speak of yet.

Care about me - let me know it's possible for people to do so.

Pray for me - lend me wings to help me fly.

Search for me - I'm lost on my own.

Stay with me - teach me the things I could not learn.

Love me, and I will learn and grow and become what neither of us supposed.

And I will be free.

Oh, how I wished that this would be understood by others. This is a recipe of needs that, if met, would enable great healing for so many people. Reading it now, it seems to hold the elements of charity and this makes great sense, for who would not find healing when embraced by the pure love of Christ? For me, when there was not anyone around to help me feel that, I held to prayer and scripture study as my life-line. They promised hope. They let me feel not alone.  Indeed, for a time, I imagined the Holy Ghost as my special friend so I would not feel so alone. May we prove more aware of those around us so that others will not have to be alone. In doing so, we will discover that we are no longer alone, either.

2: Alone in my Dreams

Haggai 1:13

Then spake Haggai the Lord's messenger

in the Lord's message unto the people,

saying, I am with you, saith the Lord.

Alone in my Dreams

8/3/05

I dream sometimes when I'm alone

Of home, of peace, and, yes, of love

But dreams are not and still I'm here

Seeing, I am unseen

Loving, I'm unloved

Remembering yet forgotten.

I live, and times I'm torn in two

Fighting the urge just to dream

Lost from the home I cannot find

Looking - still lost

Dreaming for hope

Living, I am alone.

And so I dream what life may be

Crying tears no one cares to see

Praying my dreams will come true

Laughing and loving

A home of my own

Never alone again.

In a word, this expresses the isolation felt by one caught in bad situations with no comprehend-able prospect for escape.  It seems not very surprising to me that people in such circumstances turn to ways that are not considered acceptable to fill the void and counter the terror of being so completely without control, be it drugs, gangs, dangerous sexual activity, and other worrisome coping mechanisms.