29: Will You See? Will You Hear?

Colossians 3: 20-21

20 Children, obey your parents in all things:

for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.

21 Fathers,

provoke not your children to anger,

lest they be discouraged.

D&C 136: 32

Let him that is ignorant learn wisdom by humbling himself and calling upon the Lord his God, that his eyes may be opened that he may see, and his ears opened that he may hear;

Will You See? Will You Hear?

9/7/07

When did you kill the Me in your hearts?

When did it cease to be home?

When did you forfeit my dearness to duty?

When did I turn to task in form?

They say they have love, and care and concern

And seek for the state of my soul

Yet that soul they've denied, disdained and despised

Ill-handled and painted as coal.

My choices are judged for reflections on them

Though they claim they seek only my good

Yet if I should stray down a path they view wrong

Then, 'Attack! 'til she's back where she stood!'

Their view won't allow for a path they can't see

So they've stated they will not support

Blind to revealing my worth to be

Known only in 'good' report.

They'd help when required by duty they know

Standing in judgment and self-sure repose

Just as I've seen towards brothers of blood

So, the same unto me, I'd suppose.

I care not for this bond, for bondage it is,

For this fight I'm doomed never to win

Worth ever dying in expectations passed

Back at zero to always begin.

So stuck, I lament, as this tale I began

Though in answers I see no release

For freedom I seek from these chains so absurd

And in freedom, for once, lasting peace.

(also 9/7/07)

These words may seem harsh but I've lived with their truth and I wish to be free of it. Few seem able to comprehend the connection between words and the thoughts they betray, but the truth of them I know so deeply it sets my teeth on edge. For knowing changes nothing. And while 'All is Well' I must LET all be well lest contention be laid to my charge, all the while knowing that all is most definitely NOT well. I hate even the thought of interaction with parental units for this very reason. Oh! It makes me sick inside, I hate it! But I'm stuck, for I, too, know duty. Oh, that our paths could be independent that I could respect and honor  them on theirs and be free of the nothingness I've known under them on mine. Compulsion engenders no love towards masters. As family I love them, but rarely have they chosen to submit the master to the parent. Anger and offended pride win out by a landslide. THAT is what I have learned to trust though there is not trust engendered by it. And I would be free of it.

Let truth win out and let me be free.

Only, tell me how?

Please

It was a day short of three weeks later that Heavenly Father let me know I could leave without looking back. 

12: Sharing hopes with a friend

Proverbs17:17

A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

Sharing hopes with a friend

10/20/05

In my mind I see a picture

In my heart I feel a peace

A future inexpressible

On life, a whole new lease.

My life is out there, waiting

As my future comes to view

I could spend so much time sharing

All my hopes and dreams with you.

Now I know my life is only one

Of many; Yes, I see

But I'm ever so excited

For the things I know can be.

Perhaps in listening you'd find

That I would listen too

Should you share your hopes and dreams

The things that make you you.

For friends should share each other's joys

Their sorrow, hope, and pain

And stand, united, always

In trust and love unfeigned.

So forgive me if I ramble

On the joys I sense to come

For I would love to hear of you -

Your all, and then still some.

For friends we are and always

Stand tall, and strong, and true

I thank God daily, that I have

Such a friend in You!

Oh, how I wished I had a real friend, a reliable friend. Mature enough to see and accept the hard realities I've had to handle and true enough that they would  allow me to prove myself a friend in return.

Friends during my first 25 years did not exactly qualify as friends. Many, too immature to understand or too self-centered to care, stated blandly that I just wasn't worth being a friend to - that I must just not want to be happy.  Considering the abuse and also the strain of responsibility in caring for an ill mother till I discovered her dead one morning and also caring for younger siblings for years through high school and early college, I think it's fair to say I should not have been condemned for being on an emotional roller-coaster.

The truth is, I have trouble looking at 98% of the people I knew before I left the town I lived in as friends. Even the ones I talked to with regularity are strangers to me because I know they have no idea what was really going on. The me they thought they knew is not who I was or am and so it feels false the few times I've tried to talk to any of them. I also know that because abuse is so often hidden from the view of those not living in it, it is hard for the clueless to accept the truth. And the truth for me is that I'm not looking to make a big deal out of it for attention or revenge or pity and I do not like pointless confrontation so it's easiest just to let the dead stay dead.

5: Love me, and I will be free

D & C 121:45-46

45 Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men,and to the household of faith,and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly;then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God;...

46 The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, …and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever.

Love me, and I will be free

 8/24/05

Speak for me - I have no voice.

Listen to me - hear the words my heart can't speak of yet.

Care about me - let me know it's possible for people to do so.

Pray for me - lend me wings to help me fly.

Search for me - I'm lost on my own.

Stay with me - teach me the things I could not learn.

Love me, and I will learn and grow and become what neither of us supposed.

And I will be free.

Oh, how I wished that this would be understood by others. This is a recipe of needs that, if met, would enable great healing for so many people. Reading it now, it seems to hold the elements of charity and this makes great sense, for who would not find healing when embraced by the pure love of Christ? For me, when there was not anyone around to help me feel that, I held to prayer and scripture study as my life-line. They promised hope. They let me feel not alone.  Indeed, for a time, I imagined the Holy Ghost as my special friend so I would not feel so alone. May we prove more aware of those around us so that others will not have to be alone. In doing so, we will discover that we are no longer alone, either.