Showing posts with label understand. Show all posts
Showing posts with label understand. Show all posts

Sunday, May 20, 2018

Anger: The Right to be Upset; a Facebook discussion

'The right to be upset' : 'anger' : 'righteous indignation'
A Facebook discussion

Original Post:
I just heard the phrase 'the right to be upset' following the BYU scripture professor backing off saying Jesus was angry to shifting it to righteous indignation during the cleansing of the temple because he had a right to be upset at how they were treating his home. That framing, of the right to be upset, seems like it may be the tool needed to address this 'anger equals sin' issue I post about so much.

If I can remember, next time someone implies or states that I am wrong for feeling angry, I intend to ask them straight out if they are saying I don't have the right to feel upset, or to feel something they don't like?

Because ultimately, it isn't as much about what we feel about something but about what we choose to do about it. Do we bridle it into productive action or do we fly off the handle in any negative action that occurs to us? Just as the sin is not in being tempted but in choosing to act on it, experiencing 'anger' is not automatically sin but rather an incitement to act either negatively or positively. Your choice.

Positive reactions to what makes us upset:

Negative reactions to what makes us upset:

Let's brainstorm, shall we?

Mary:
I think it is a mindset that keeps being reinforced, intentional or not, and it continually plays into the attitude that "anger" is synonymous with sin. I recently watched a talk from an education week that was focused on us being responsible and accountable for all of the things that happen to us. The speaker expressed that when we react or feel anger, we are embracing Satan's most effective tool, because we get caught up in seeking blame, justice and validation, and end up seeking revenge and leaving and turning against the church. His premise is that we should be asking ourselves if we want to be right or righteous, and keep ourselves close to the scriptures and counsel of our leaders, and leave our angry feelings aside, as to not go down Satan's trail. The things he said have merit, but in a very narrow frame. For him to make it such a broad stroke for everyone who feels anger, regardless of the source, must leave Narcs cheering on the side lines. It left me feeling that speaking out against abuse or expressing anger is rocking a spiritual boat that will only lead us to ruin. What really upset me was the huge amounts of comments he got supporting his talk. Many, many expressed their annoyance with people who allow themselves to be seen as victims, feeling that they just need to deal with it privately and quietly. Many specifically complained about people who have endured sex abuse and domestic violence. After I got over the shock of such insensitivity, I realized there is a very long way to go in the church to see anger in it's proper perspective, and realize that it does have it's place in healing, forgiving, and coming to terms with what to do in the future. We're not talking about going into a rage because someone took the last cookie or said something you didn't like. To lump it all together is not only hurtful, but makes people who are very damaged by real mistreatment and abuse being very much all alone. It's a good thing that Heavenly Father and the Holy Ghost understand, because too often they are the only ones to turn to.

Patsy:
I think of anger as a totally normal and understandable reaction to injustice that we need to try to get past so that we don't get stuck in it.

Katie:
I also often discourse on the misuse of 'victim' whenever I see it in other groups and posts. Those comments you describe, Mary, would have seriously set me off and made a lot of people mad, ironically considering what they are arguing...

Patsy:
It's also not someone else's place to decide how we are handling our feelings and how we are progressing in the forgiveness process. If someone told me I had no right to feel angry, I would give them some details of what I have experienced which I'm sure would shock them.

Mary:
I think part of the reason people, especially members, embrace these attitudes is that it makes it easier to feel they're safe from such things. I have a friend who refers to this attitude as the 13th Article of Faith syndrome. We should always look for best, etc. etc., but we're not supposed to hide behind it, so we never have to feel worried such a problem could affect us, or feel we should try and show support. When we expect everyone to just handle their serious problems, whatever they are, privately and quietly, we're really saying we don't want to be bothered or deal with anything unpleasant. Patsy is right, we don't want to get stuck in anger, but to process it and move through it. Unfortunately, when people can accuse others of just succumbing to the "sin" of anger, it can shut down the process and make it take longer, or cause someone to actually get stuck in it.

Katie:
Even the 'getting stuck in anger' can be a problematic statement, though, because that holding on to saying 'this isn't right, this isn't ok' enables the sustained efforts that can address long term efforts to change things and fix problems that take more than just saying no or leaving would accomplish.
In ACON (adult children of narcissists) specific terms, I know part of my finally breaking free was the fourteen months at a certain job that left my brain free to relive everything bad about home till I could finally own the anger I felt instead of preventing the emotion as I'd done for ten years. That sounds backwards from what most say is the right way but I'd lived a backwards situation where it was never entertaining anger, never comprehending a right to feel angry because I was so convinced I was a slave without rights that allowed me to finally admit, years later, that I'd been abused. Healing would never have been possible if I could never admit to injury and that required valuing myself enough to say this wasn't ok. In other words, I was divinely led to relive what finally brought out the anger so that I could actually walk away from what was causing the harm. Otherwise I would have just kept trying to pretend everything was ok while my very being was destroyed because I had no anger to enable the birth of boundaries.

Katie:
To expound on how important that was: finally allowing the anger at my treatment is what led me to the realization that I didn't want NF (narc father) to be my father in the next life which made the doctrinal logic that verifies that option jump out at me when I came across it. And reaching that conclusion was what HF (Heavenly Father) was waiting for to then prompt me seeking temple blessings again (without familial knowledge). And five days after that was the final NF attack wherein the prompting came that I was done with home, that I could leave and never have to deal with them again. Two months later, I was moving hundreds of miles away. And the anger was key to enabling that because I'd turned it off for so long that it had to be sustained for me to finally allow what it was telling me to sink in.

Patsy:
In that sense, the anger was healthy. If your anger had led you to become vengeful, then it would have had a negative impact.

Mary:
I agree that you can't put a timeline on it. When I think of being stuck in anger, I think of some of the people I've seen in some other groups where their anger has just turned into venting and arguing, and lashing out. I think their feelings are real, but I'm not sure if only expressing it that way is gong to get them anywhere. I have appreciated the fact that people in this group have expressed real pain and anger, but try to refrain from being destructive, and trying to deal with their feelings. It is right, though, that we can't decide for others what is ok to feel. You have used your anger to understand and solve problems and move your life forward to heal. That, to me, is using your anger or righteous indignation to listen to the promptings, and then follow through with your actions. Not only is that not a sin, it is very righteous feelings and actions.

Katie:
That's my point, Patsy. Anger is always and only spoken of as negative which is why people complain of victims dwelling instead of moving on and why it's almost only spoken of in terms of anger equals sin. But there is a whole other side to it that isn't negative and it's dangerous to do that. How many abuse victims are trapped because they have to silence that feeling that says this isn't ok because that would mean they are sinning? It needs to be recognized and discussed as a multi dimensional thing and the focus put on how you choose to respond to it instead of the fact that it even exists.

Katie:
And that means it needs to be taught, Mary, how to take anger and channel it into the healthy action of righteous indignation (I really dislike that term, so unwieldy and pretentious) instead of letting it drive us into sinful action. I always see the bridle your passions being used just for romantic feelings, but I think it applies to all strong feelings. Bridle your anger to productive use. But that requires a collective comprehension that anger is there for productive use in the first place.

Patsy:
That seems to be the key: Anger alerts us that something unjust was done. We can then use that response to chose how to proceed. I too have seen people in some other groups (most notably Daughters of Narcissist Mothers) who see anger as the final goal. They wallow in it as if doing so exacts the revenge they dream of, but they are destroying their own humanity in the process. In those cases, their abusers have accomplished their purpose of wreaking havoc on their victims. Psychologists will tell you that we have reached a higher plane when we no longer feel emotional pain when recalling traumatic events. That is my goal.

Mary:
And that is where the problem comes. People often only hear what they want to, and when victims speaking up are perceived the way they are, especially with speeches over the pulpit, it is easier for  people to hide behind the false perception. Education is what it's all about. Speaking up where we can, teaching our own families and close friends etc. all helps. We also have to be realistic and realize we are going to get serious push back, and do our best not to let it trigger us. Channel our anger to the positive, and encourage and support others trying to do the same. We may not be able to turn the whole church around, but do all we can to help people not feel they are alone in the struggle. Using the anger to propel us forward, and then at some point, be able to lay it down is the best way to defeat our Narcs, and is a worthy goal.

Side note:
Patsy:
We also hear and read about "the wrath of God", so even He gets angry at those who seriously disobey and mock Him.
That's one thing that helps me cope with the injustice of this world -- knowing that sinners will reap the consequences of their actions if they don't repent. We don't have to force justice ourselves. All we have to do is protect ourselves from our abusers and let God take care of the rest.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

27: The Choice of Jerusalem


And now because of their unbelief
they could not understand the word of God;
and their hearts were hardened.


The Choice of Jerusalem

Summer 07, 1/6/08, 2/1/08

Had I been in Jerusalem
The time The King first came
Would I have mocked, and spurned, and scorned
His Blessed, Holy Name?

Would I have walked in wondering steps
The path that Jesus trod?
Would I have known those steps to mark
The only way to God?

I am not in Jerusalem
But still I have this choice
To stray or fight the truth He speaks
Or heed His Holy Voice.

You, as well, must make your choice
For hope He died to give
To heed or hate, the choice is yours,
His gift that we might live.


The Jewish religion is one of the oldest in the world. It was the parent of Christianity. Yet so few of the Jews were willing to recognize the Messiah when He came because He was not the answer they wanted.

Here, in this time, I was raised in Christianity and understand how and why it had to be as it was - the suffering Messiah before the conquering Messiah. But if I was not raised to understand, I wonder how foreign and strange it would seem to me. Sometimes I try to think of the world and how I would perceive everything without this knowledge and then how I would react to someone telling me of the gospel. It has allowed me build a stronger testimony of its truth and I hope I would have had the strength of character to truly listen, consider, and accept it had I been there back then.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

21: The Story Inside

Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:

1 And now it came to pass that when Jesus had spoken these words he turned again to the multitude, and did open his mouth unto them again, saying: Verily, verily, I say unto you, Judge not, that ye be not judged.

2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged; and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.


The Story Inside

7/26/06

There is, deep within my soul,
The story that's my own
My dreams, my fear, my hurt, my joy
A story few have known.

This story takes some time to read,
True care, and effort, too
And few there be that care to read
Until the story's through.

Some think that, with passing glance
The story can be read
But glance denies the life within -
The story's truths left dead.

My story has its place in life
It cannot be denied
My life, my heart, my past, beyond
And all that's held inside.

Sometimes my story falls asleep
My dreams, in pain, forgot
But dreams awake when wonder calls
And beckons heart and thought.

In dreams I find my story true
And life, the wonder gives
And this is why, though passed unseen,
Still yet, my story lives.


How often do we think we can judge a book by its cover, or even by its chapter headings? Having studied with a number of English majors who thought they were the smartest people on campus, I have been surprised by the shallowness of judgment so often expressed against various characters that simply didn't fit a personality they would like in real life. I suppose it comes down to charity and empathy. Can you and are you willing to actually care about a person and would you walk a mile in their shoes or would you just criticize their choice of footwear or path or speed or any number of elements that can only truly be judged by the one who has actually walked that path. Thankfully, the Savior's atonement means that He has walked exactly each of our situations so He will never judge unfairly as we are so quick to do ourselves.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

18: Forward


Brethren, shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory! Let your hearts rejoice, and be exceedingly glad. Let the earth break forth into singing. Let the dead speak forth anthems of eternal praise to the King Immanuel, who hath ordained, before the world was, that which would enable us to redeem them out of their prison; for the prisoners shall go free.


Forward

4/14/06

Looking forward I must let go
The chains that hold me back
Despite their blindness, live and know
And follow the onward track.

Though pain behind, there's joy ahead
A life lived true to me
(Without their fear or cutting minds)
To seek the best, and be.

Inside I wish things not this way
But that is not my choice
So if time comes that they would hear
Let my life become my voice.

For I must live as life will lead
His will in life to do
Regardless if they understand
To Him I will be true.


To this day, my family still doesn't understand why I have cut contact with them. But rather than constantly trying to get them to see and hear what they have refused all along to do, I figure my time is better spent doing the things that will make me a better person. I cannot alter what they choose to do, think, or feel and I will not waste energy better used on making a difference in the world and to the people around me.

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

17: Awakened Dreams


And as all have not faith, seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith.


Awakened Dreams

4/14/05, 5/12/06

The world can be a scary place
But something sets me free
With music of another world
To dream how things can be.

Emotion raw, emotion pure
Great thoughts to ride upon
Truth spoken there for all to hear
Where minds are later drawn.

Awakened dreams once long forgot
Are stirred within its wake
That yet, perhaps, there is a chance
Of dreams a future make.

Ennobled heart, so tired once
Now stands with life anew
Fresh strength to walk that higher road
To show those dreams as true.


For as long as I can remember, I have always been drawn to the power of story and song. I have probably read more than a couple thousand books and  seem to have an insatiable appetite for good stories. They have so much to learn from, be it understanding of different people and situations, communication, economics, society, politics, government, science, humanity - life overall. And in these stories I see purpose and value in life and so many parallels that demonstrate gospel principles whether they are obvious or understood through the character's lack of understanding. It provides an energy and centering effect on me and tends to have the greatest ability to restore my balance when life throws curve-balls.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

12: Sharing hopes with a friend

A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.


Sharing hopes with a friend

10/20/05

In my mind I see a picture
In my heart I feel a peace
A future inexpressible
On life, a whole new lease.

My life is out there, waiting
As my future comes to view
I could spend so much time sharing
All my hopes and dreams with you.

Now I know my life is only one
Of many; Yes, I see
But I'm ever so excited
For the things I know can be.

Perhaps in listening you'd find
That I would listen too
Should you share your hopes and dreams
The things that make you you.

For friends should share each other's joys
Their sorrow, hope, and pain
And stand, united, always
In trust and love unfeigned.

So forgive me if I ramble
On the joys I sense to come
For I would love to hear of you -
Your all, and then still some.

For friends we are and always
Stand tall, and strong, and true
I thank God daily, that I have
Such a friend in You!


Oh, how I wished I had a real friend, a reliable friend. Mature enough to see and accept the hard realities I've had to handle and true enough that they would  allow me to prove myself a friend in return.

Friends during my first 25 years did not exactly qualify as friends. Many, too immature to understand or too self-centered to care, stated blandly that I just wasn't worth being a friend to - that I must just not want to be happy.  Considering the abuse and also the strain of responsibility in caring for an ill mother till I discovered her dead one morning and also caring for younger siblings for years through high school and early college, I think it's fair to say I should not have been condemned for being on an emotional roller-coaster.


The truth is, I have trouble looking at 98% of the people I knew before I left the town I lived in as friends. Even the ones I talked to with regularity are strangers to me because I know they have no idea what was really going on. The me they thought they knew is not who I was or am and so it feels false the few times I've tried to talk to any of them. I also know that because abuse is so often hidden from the view of those not living in it, it is hard for the clueless to accept the truth. And the truth for me is that I'm not looking to make a big deal out of it for attention or revenge or pity and I do not like pointless confrontation so it's easiest just to let the dead stay dead.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

9: Ready

5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart;
and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6 In all thy ways acknowledge him,
and he shall direct thy path.


Ready

9/16/05

He told me, "Be ready;
It's coming your way."
For what? I don't know
Or when? I can't say.

I see more pieces crumble
And in my heart I pray
That I may help someone
Who needs me on their way.

There is freedom, hope, and joy outside
Which can't be found within
And those who would restrain
Can't see what costs their win.

Pain, fear, and guilt, and anger
Employed to get his way
Is it really any wonder
Why we would not choose to stay?

Meanwhile, I stand ready
For the rest, I could not tell
But here I stand and I must trust
In God all will be well.


It is curious that this poem came roughly a year before my last real contact with home. The year before had been horribly difficult to survive as I had stayed one final year at home beyond what my personal intentions and desires were. Though hard, that final year was a great blessing for it taught me that, in my personal case, it wouldn't matter how hard I tried to make them happy - it would never be enough for them. When Heavenly Father finally said it was enough for Him and I could be done with it all, I was able to walk away without any second-guessing or wondering whether, if I had just tried harder, maybe things would finally have gotten better. Instead, having stayed in the house, and after, in general contact for another year or so, I was free to leave and have had no need to look back.

As this poem shows, Heavenly Father was preparing me for separation even before I was fully aware it was coming. The first months of this particular year in question I found myself disturbed and concerned at whether I could think of anything positive taught me by my father that wasn't tainted with manipulation or twisted doctrine or hateful or degrading commentary. It took a month of pondering but I finally managed a handful of untainted memories. That Father's Day, while trying to think what to give, I felt prompted to write him a letter sharing those memories (minus the fact they were the only ones like that…). I distinctly remember the feeling that it would be the only opportunity to share them with him. I did not understand why that was at the time, but I wrote it and gave it to him anyway. I can't say its reception was laudable, but those feelings and later events proved that Heavenly Father knew what was coming and was preparing for it even without my understanding.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Introduction

I am well aware that there will be those who will read this to find not what they can learn from this but what they can condemn. That is a sad, pitiful world to inhabit, but it is their choice to do so.

My purposes in sharing these writings and thoughts lie in the hopes that for those who have first-hand experience with the realities found within, they will find the comfort and strength that comes in knowing they are not alone in dealing with the difficulties these realities result in. Also, for those who are secondary witnesses or perhaps completely oblivious to the nightmares of those around them, that by seeing the emotions felt during, and by reading the further perspective, explanations, and lessons beyond and throughout, they will take a position that will support and aid rather than neglect, inhibit, or harm those already so dearly taxed.

The following are selections from what I have long called my 'poem journal'. They show the focused intensity of thoughts and feelings that had no other recourse for expression during the early years of my fight to break free -  physically, emotionally, and psychologically - from the effects of an abusive home. The poems show the ups and downs and what I consider my sheer stubborn-ness to not be broken by a nightmare few can comprehend. The second, or response, part for each poem is by way of encouragement, explanation for those who are clueless to these realities, and teaching of truths I've learned throughout all of this.

Towards the poem end of this journal writing, I had my first contact with, or perhaps simply my first awareness of, a person who had been through similar abuse and manipulation. She was teaching a lesson at church and some of the things she spoke of were things I had long felt and thought but had never heard anyone else express before. Even now, years later, it is hard to express how that made, and still makes, me feel - to realize that I wasn't isolated in a world no one could understand. It was almost as if, by seeing that someone else had been and was dealing with the same reality of sorts, there was a doorway out of the solitary confinement and isolation abuse creates. To that end, I hope that this can help others who may not have yet found that same escape route to freedom. I can't say everything's better now, but considering where I was from the thought patterns of the abused, I am so much further that it's almost like discovering a new world. It's a little scary, but also a lot exciting.

The scriptures and poems and thoughts are not separated by intended audience, be it for those in the nightmare, those leaving, or those who do not have experience with such things. I have long been taught in classes that we get the most learning when we give the most effort. There are many thoughts and concepts considered that will have value to a variety of situations and people and it is my hope that they will be pondered with an open heart with an eye to what can be learned.

There is a predominance of attention paid to physical and sexual abuse, as well attention should be paid, but there is a sad element of disbelief towards emotional, psychological, even spiritual abuse. During the later years, as I began to recognize that there was a problem at home, I would sometimes try to tell people of various upsetting events. Most often, those people would look at me like I was whining about nothing legitimate. They couldn't understand that constant 'little' events with no one to step in and counter the damage being done leads to total undermining of self-hood. And despite the fact that some will read this and think it fabrication or exaggeration, I know for a fact that it can cause death completely apart from suicide. It nearly killed me.

It was somewhere around the beginning of 2007 on my way to work early one morning. I was stopped, the first in line, at a stoplight of a busy highway intersection. Behind me a car honked. When at a stoplight and someone behind you honks, what does it mean? It means you need to pay attention, the light is green, and you need to go so you're not holding others back. I looked at the light and it was red. But there had been a honk and I was so constantly over-written and over-ruled at home that any trust in myself and my perceptions was unsustainable in the face of contrary opinion. The two minutes between the horn honk and the light finally, actually turning green held the absolute hardest battle of my life to keep my foot on the break and not enter the intersection where I would have surely been killed. I was shaking for days after because of how hard it had been to hold to what my eyes told me when my brain kept telling me that if someone had honked I must be seeing things wrong, it must really be green and not red like I thought I saw.


So if you are inclined to minimize non-physical abuse, you may want to step back and try broadening your perceptions. It may be that there is one in your life who is in desperate need of support and a countering voice to the destruction from which they can't yet escape.