A Facebook discussion
I just heard the phrase 'the right to be upset' following the BYU scripture professor backing off saying Jesus was angry to shifting it to righteous indignation during the cleansing of the temple because he had a right to be upset at how they were treating his home. That framing, of the right to be upset, seems like it may be the tool needed to address this 'anger equals sin' issue I post about so much.
If I can remember, next time someone implies or states that I am wrong for feeling angry, I intend to ask them straight out if they are saying I don't have the right to feel upset, or to feel something they don't like?
Because ultimately, it isn't as much about what we feel about something but about what we choose to do about it. Do we bridle it into productive action or do we fly off the handle in any negative action that occurs to us? Just as the sin is not in being tempted but in choosing to act on it, experiencing 'anger' is not automatically sin but rather an incitement to act either negatively or positively. Your choice.
Positive reactions to what makes us upset:
Negative reactions to what makes us upset:
Let's brainstorm, shall we?
Mary:
I think it is a mindset that keeps being reinforced, intentional or not, and it continually plays into the attitude that "anger" is synonymous with sin. I recently watched a talk from an education week that was focused on us being responsible and accountable for all of the things that happen to us. The speaker expressed that when we react or feel anger, we are embracing Satan's most effective tool, because we get caught up in seeking blame, justice and validation, and end up seeking revenge and leaving and turning against the church. His premise is that we should be asking ourselves if we want to be right or righteous, and keep ourselves close to the scriptures and counsel of our leaders, and leave our angry feelings aside, as to not go down Satan's trail. The things he said have merit, but in a very narrow frame. For him to make it such a broad stroke for everyone who feels anger, regardless of the source, must leave Narcs cheering on the side lines. It left me feeling that speaking out against abuse or expressing anger is rocking a spiritual boat that will only lead us to ruin. What really upset me was the huge amounts of comments he got supporting his talk. Many, many expressed their annoyance with people who allow themselves to be seen as victims, feeling that they just need to deal with it privately and quietly. Many specifically complained about people who have endured sex abuse and domestic violence. After I got over the shock of such insensitivity, I realized there is a very long way to go in the church to see anger in it's proper perspective, and realize that it does have it's place in healing, forgiving, and coming to terms with what to do in the future. We're not talking about going into a rage because someone took the last cookie or said something you didn't like. To lump it all together is not only hurtful, but makes people who are very damaged by real mistreatment and abuse being very much all alone. It's a good thing that Heavenly Father and the Holy Ghost understand, because too often they are the only ones to turn to.
Patsy:
I think of anger as a totally normal and understandable reaction to injustice that we need to try to get past so that we don't get stuck in it.
Katie:
I also often discourse on the misuse of 'victim' whenever I see it in other groups and posts. Those comments you describe, Mary, would have seriously set me off and made a lot of people mad, ironically considering what they are arguing...
Patsy:
It's also not someone else's place to decide how we are handling our feelings and how we are progressing in the forgiveness process. If someone told me I had no right to feel angry, I would give them some details of what I have experienced which I'm sure would shock them.
Mary:
I think part of the reason people, especially members, embrace these attitudes is that it makes it easier to feel they're safe from such things. I have a friend who refers to this attitude as the 13th Article of Faith syndrome. We should always look for best, etc. etc., but we're not supposed to hide behind it, so we never have to feel worried such a problem could affect us, or feel we should try and show support. When we expect everyone to just handle their serious problems, whatever they are, privately and quietly, we're really saying we don't want to be bothered or deal with anything unpleasant. Patsy is right, we don't want to get stuck in anger, but to process it and move through it. Unfortunately, when people can accuse others of just succumbing to the "sin" of anger, it can shut down the process and make it take longer, or cause someone to actually get stuck in it.
Katie:
Even the 'getting stuck in anger' can be a problematic statement, though, because that holding on to saying 'this isn't right, this isn't ok' enables the sustained efforts that can address long term efforts to change things and fix problems that take more than just saying no or leaving would accomplish.
In ACON (adult children of narcissists) specific terms, I know part of my finally breaking free was the fourteen months at a certain job that left my brain free to relive everything bad about home till I could finally own the anger I felt instead of preventing the emotion as I'd done for ten years. That sounds backwards from what most say is the right way but I'd lived a backwards situation where it was never entertaining anger, never comprehending a right to feel angry because I was so convinced I was a slave without rights that allowed me to finally admit, years later, that I'd been abused. Healing would never have been possible if I could never admit to injury and that required valuing myself enough to say this wasn't ok. In other words, I was divinely led to relive what finally brought out the anger so that I could actually walk away from what was causing the harm. Otherwise I would have just kept trying to pretend everything was ok while my very being was destroyed because I had no anger to enable the birth of boundaries.
Katie:
To expound on how important that was: finally allowing the anger at my treatment is what led me to the realization that I didn't want NF (narc father) to be my father in the next life which made the doctrinal logic that verifies that option jump out at me when I came across it. And reaching that conclusion was what HF (Heavenly Father) was waiting for to then prompt me seeking temple blessings again (without familial knowledge). And five days after that was the final NF attack wherein the prompting came that I was done with home, that I could leave and never have to deal with them again. Two months later, I was moving hundreds of miles away. And the anger was key to enabling that because I'd turned it off for so long that it had to be sustained for me to finally allow what it was telling me to sink in.
Patsy:
In that sense, the anger was healthy. If your anger had led you to become vengeful, then it would have had a negative impact.
Mary:
I agree that you can't put a timeline on it. When I think of being stuck in anger, I think of some of the people I've seen in some other groups where their anger has just turned into venting and arguing, and lashing out. I think their feelings are real, but I'm not sure if only expressing it that way is gong to get them anywhere. I have appreciated the fact that people in this group have expressed real pain and anger, but try to refrain from being destructive, and trying to deal with their feelings. It is right, though, that we can't decide for others what is ok to feel. You have used your anger to understand and solve problems and move your life forward to heal. That, to me, is using your anger or righteous indignation to listen to the promptings, and then follow through with your actions. Not only is that not a sin, it is very righteous feelings and actions.
Katie:
That's my point, Patsy. Anger is always and only spoken of as negative which is why people complain of victims dwelling instead of moving on and why it's almost only spoken of in terms of anger equals sin. But there is a whole other side to it that isn't negative and it's dangerous to do that. How many abuse victims are trapped because they have to silence that feeling that says this isn't ok because that would mean they are sinning? It needs to be recognized and discussed as a multi dimensional thing and the focus put on how you choose to respond to it instead of the fact that it even exists.
Katie:
And that means it needs to be taught, Mary, how to take anger and channel it into the healthy action of righteous indignation (I really dislike that term, so unwieldy and pretentious) instead of letting it drive us into sinful action. I always see the bridle your passions being used just for romantic feelings, but I think it applies to all strong feelings. Bridle your anger to productive use. But that requires a collective comprehension that anger is there for productive use in the first place.
Patsy:
That seems to be the key: Anger alerts us that something unjust was done. We can then use that response to chose how to proceed. I too have seen people in some other groups (most notably Daughters of Narcissist Mothers) who see anger as the final goal. They wallow in it as if doing so exacts the revenge they dream of, but they are destroying their own humanity in the process. In those cases, their abusers have accomplished their purpose of wreaking havoc on their victims. Psychologists will tell you that we have reached a higher plane when we no longer feel emotional pain when recalling traumatic events. That is my goal.
Mary:
And that is where the problem comes. People often only hear what they want to, and when victims speaking up are perceived the way they are, especially with speeches over the pulpit, it is easier for people to hide behind the false perception. Education is what it's all about. Speaking up where we can, teaching our own families and close friends etc. all helps. We also have to be realistic and realize we are going to get serious push back, and do our best not to let it trigger us. Channel our anger to the positive, and encourage and support others trying to do the same. We may not be able to turn the whole church around, but do all we can to help people not feel they are alone in the struggle. Using the anger to propel us forward, and then at some point, be able to lay it down is the best way to defeat our Narcs, and is a worthy goal.
Side note:
Patsy:
We also hear and read about "the wrath of God", so even He gets angry at those who seriously disobey and mock Him.
That's one thing that helps me cope with the injustice of this world -- knowing that sinners will reap the consequences of their actions if they don't repent. We don't have to force justice ourselves. All we have to do is protect ourselves from our abusers and let God take care of the rest.
