Afterword

Afterword

Friday, May 04, 2012

1:04 PM

I woke, this morning thinking of a boy I knew during high school. With youth group activities, we were sometimes near enough to interact and there were a few times when I was a less than well-behaved. Looking back, I remember feeling a vague sense that I was not being nice, maybe even a bully, but it was too vague a sense to truly grasp. What I did feel was that I finally had a turn to be in control, that I wasn't the one being emotionally and psychologically battered. That I wasn't weak.

What I was doing was treating him as I was always treated at home and the chance to get out of my own hated weakness somehow lent itself to me reversing the role onto someone else who was, in truth, innocent. I would guess that is why it is so common for abuse victims to turn around and become abusers themselves. I can't say how many times I've looked back, mainly on one particular evening, with great regret and remorse. The truth was, I always respected this boy and while he was always a bit aloof when I was around, he was also still always respectful, even after I had hit him with every 'boys are stupid' and such-like that I'd had available. It is even more ironic for me to remember that he was, as I saw it, also a popular boy and far from the type one might normally imagine as a bully target.

The truth is, it had nothing to do with him. I didn't understand what I was doing then, but over the years as I have looked back on these memories, I know that I was simply desperate to not feel so powerless myself and he happened to be there. I think also, it might have been so easy because he was a good kid and since I always was trying so hard to be good and still had everything turned against me, his goodness made it easier for me to funnel it all off of myself. At least, that's what it felt like at the time.

The second time such an opportunity came around, I was not as nice as would be hoped, but I was very vocal about making sure we weren't paired up again in the etiquette dinner. I believe that was a combination of me fighting the urge, poorly, to behave as I had the year before, and subconsciously trying to protect him from that urge to be horrible to him again. He may never know the truth of those years, but I have learned from it, and I believe the experience may find value in the understanding of others. For I believe that understanding brings far greater power than simple knowledge. With understanding, we are given the perspective needed to act with wisdom. 

5/21/16

Just FYI, but aside from learning to break the cruel sarcasms pattern from home (which the Spirit pointed out to me in 7th grade and I worked hard to eliminate in myself from that point on), this experience was really the only time this behavior came out. Mostly, my nature has been to observe and engage when applicable.

If the siblings find their way to this blog, I'm sure they would claim otherwise, but the misnomer of 'bossy' because I was expected to ensure all chores were completed and everything in the house was perfect is not the same. Especially when a single request/reminder was reported to the parents as out of line so that I'd get in trouble and they wouldn't have to do anything. Oh, but the chore was still required, which now, conveniently, was my problem. As I said - not the same thing at all.

On another note, this concludes what I have long called my 'Poem Journal', which covers the more critical years of my efforts to break away from an abusive home and the thoughts and emotions that would build and spill out in poem form because they had nowhere else to go. I imagine I will find other related topics to post about in the future, so this is not farewell. I may post older, related poems (I've one in particular in mind if I can track it down) or ones written since. I may re-post some from my main blog, Of Good Report. I have a whole section there about dealing with abuse. Whatever and whenever, this topic is near and dear to me and I will continue to speak about it so that maybe others will learn to speak up as well.