9: Ready

Proverbs 3: 5-6

5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart;

and lean not unto thine own understanding.

6 In all thy ways acknowledge him,

and he shall direct thy path.

Ready

9/16/05

He told me, "Be ready;

It's coming your way."

For what? I don't know

Or when? I can't say.

I see more pieces crumble

And in my heart I pray

That I may help someone

Who needs me on their way.

There is freedom, hope, and joy outside

Which can't be found within

And those who would restrain

Can't see what costs their win.

Pain, fear, and guilt, and anger

Employed to get his way

Is it really any wonder

Why we would not choose to stay?

Meanwhile, I stand ready

For the rest, I could not tell

But here I stand and I must trust

In God all will be well.

It is curious that this poem came roughly a year before my last real contact with home. The year before had been horribly difficult to survive as I had stayed one final year at home beyond what my personal intentions and desires were. Though hard, that final year was a great blessing for it taught me that, in my personal case, it wouldn't matter how hard I tried to make them happy - it would never be enough for them. When Heavenly Father finally said it was enough for Him and I could be done with it all, I was able to walk away without any second-guessing or wondering whether, if I had just tried harder, maybe things would finally have gotten better. Instead, having stayed in the house, and after, in general contact for another year or so, I was free to leave and have had no need to look back.

As this poem shows, Heavenly Father was preparing me for separation even before I was fully aware it was coming. The first months of this particular year in question I found myself disturbed and concerned at whether I could think of anything positive taught me by my father that wasn't tainted with manipulation or twisted doctrine or hateful or degrading commentary. It took a month of pondering but I finally managed a handful of untainted memories. That Father's Day, while trying to think what to give, I felt prompted to write him a letter sharing those memories (minus the fact they were the only ones like that…). I distinctly remember the feeling that it would be the only opportunity to share them with him. I did not understand why that was at the time, but I wrote it and gave it to him anyway. I can't say its reception was laudable, but those feelings and later events proved that Heavenly Father knew what was coming and was preparing for it even without my understanding.