12: Sharing hopes with a friend

Proverbs17:17

A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

Sharing hopes with a friend

10/20/05

In my mind I see a picture

In my heart I feel a peace

A future inexpressible

On life, a whole new lease.

My life is out there, waiting

As my future comes to view

I could spend so much time sharing

All my hopes and dreams with you.

Now I know my life is only one

Of many; Yes, I see

But I'm ever so excited

For the things I know can be.

Perhaps in listening you'd find

That I would listen too

Should you share your hopes and dreams

The things that make you you.

For friends should share each other's joys

Their sorrow, hope, and pain

And stand, united, always

In trust and love unfeigned.

So forgive me if I ramble

On the joys I sense to come

For I would love to hear of you -

Your all, and then still some.

For friends we are and always

Stand tall, and strong, and true

I thank God daily, that I have

Such a friend in You!

Oh, how I wished I had a real friend, a reliable friend. Mature enough to see and accept the hard realities I've had to handle and true enough that they would  allow me to prove myself a friend in return.

Friends during my first 25 years did not exactly qualify as friends. Many, too immature to understand or too self-centered to care, stated blandly that I just wasn't worth being a friend to - that I must just not want to be happy.  Considering the abuse and also the strain of responsibility in caring for an ill mother till I discovered her dead one morning and also caring for younger siblings for years through high school and early college, I think it's fair to say I should not have been condemned for being on an emotional roller-coaster.

The truth is, I have trouble looking at 98% of the people I knew before I left the town I lived in as friends. Even the ones I talked to with regularity are strangers to me because I know they have no idea what was really going on. The me they thought they knew is not who I was or am and so it feels false the few times I've tried to talk to any of them. I also know that because abuse is so often hidden from the view of those not living in it, it is hard for the clueless to accept the truth. And the truth for me is that I'm not looking to make a big deal out of it for attention or revenge or pity and I do not like pointless confrontation so it's easiest just to let the dead stay dead.

11: I cry (unfinished)

Luke 10: 30-37

30 And Jesus answering said, A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.

31 And by chance there came down a certain priest that way: and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side.
32 And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side.
33 But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him,
34 And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him.
35 And on the morrow when he departed, he took out two pence, and gave them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him; and whatsoever thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee.
36 Which now of these three, thinkest thou, was neighbour unto him that fell among the thieves?
37 And he said, He that shewed mercy on him. Then said Jesus unto him, Go, and do thou likewise.

I cry (unfinished)

10/15/05

I cry inside the tears I cannot show

And fight the fears that only seem to grow

I fight the pain that comes but will not go

To save myself from worse should someone know.

And still I dream of better things to come

Of hopes, and dreams, and joys, and even fun

Of starry nights, of cloud and rain, or sun

Safe home that's free, of peace and warmth and love.

But here I'm trapped and fail to hide the pain

Of blows that keep coming time and time again

This was a rough weekend. It went in cycles at home where things would kind of be calm for a while and then the tensions would build till I was on edge always wondering just when the explosion would occur and what would trigger it. I'd been feeling it all week and this was what came out that Saturday. The mental and emotional full-frontal attack came the next night lasting well into the morning hours. I nearly missed a critical appointment the next morning due to the total exhaustion left from it. Thankfully, one of the people I have had available at times for support was there to mitigate the further potential strain and even relieve the strain that was there.

I was part of a committee on campus and we had a big activity specific to our group that day. Being part of the presidency, I had been there during the morning to help prepare before the rest came. During down time while food was cooking the others went who knows where and I tried to calm my spirit's stress by playing on the piano in one of the rooms. It did not help as much as it usually would. So I started writing. This was the result. It helped more. But I was still only minimally responsive to others all that day as the weight of the coming attack was such that I could not contain it and be social. None of them had a clue. But then it would have been hard to see it as the stress was so much during this time that I was constantly fighting to keep it all under wraps. So it wouldn't have looked all that different from what they had seen of me.

5: Love me, and I will be free

D & C 121:45-46

45 Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men,and to the household of faith,and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly;then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God;...

46 The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, …and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever.

Love me, and I will be free

 8/24/05

Speak for me - I have no voice.

Listen to me - hear the words my heart can't speak of yet.

Care about me - let me know it's possible for people to do so.

Pray for me - lend me wings to help me fly.

Search for me - I'm lost on my own.

Stay with me - teach me the things I could not learn.

Love me, and I will learn and grow and become what neither of us supposed.

And I will be free.

Oh, how I wished that this would be understood by others. This is a recipe of needs that, if met, would enable great healing for so many people. Reading it now, it seems to hold the elements of charity and this makes great sense, for who would not find healing when embraced by the pure love of Christ? For me, when there was not anyone around to help me feel that, I held to prayer and scripture study as my life-line. They promised hope. They let me feel not alone.  Indeed, for a time, I imagined the Holy Ghost as my special friend so I would not feel so alone. May we prove more aware of those around us so that others will not have to be alone. In doing so, we will discover that we are no longer alone, either.