11: I cry (unfinished)

Luke 10: 30-37

30 And Jesus answering said, A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.

31 And by chance there came down a certain priest that way: and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side.
32 And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side.
33 But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him,
34 And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him.
35 And on the morrow when he departed, he took out two pence, and gave them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him; and whatsoever thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee.
36 Which now of these three, thinkest thou, was neighbour unto him that fell among the thieves?
37 And he said, He that shewed mercy on him. Then said Jesus unto him, Go, and do thou likewise.

I cry (unfinished)

10/15/05

I cry inside the tears I cannot show

And fight the fears that only seem to grow

I fight the pain that comes but will not go

To save myself from worse should someone know.

And still I dream of better things to come

Of hopes, and dreams, and joys, and even fun

Of starry nights, of cloud and rain, or sun

Safe home that's free, of peace and warmth and love.

But here I'm trapped and fail to hide the pain

Of blows that keep coming time and time again

This was a rough weekend. It went in cycles at home where things would kind of be calm for a while and then the tensions would build till I was on edge always wondering just when the explosion would occur and what would trigger it. I'd been feeling it all week and this was what came out that Saturday. The mental and emotional full-frontal attack came the next night lasting well into the morning hours. I nearly missed a critical appointment the next morning due to the total exhaustion left from it. Thankfully, one of the people I have had available at times for support was there to mitigate the further potential strain and even relieve the strain that was there.

I was part of a committee on campus and we had a big activity specific to our group that day. Being part of the presidency, I had been there during the morning to help prepare before the rest came. During down time while food was cooking the others went who knows where and I tried to calm my spirit's stress by playing on the piano in one of the rooms. It did not help as much as it usually would. So I started writing. This was the result. It helped more. But I was still only minimally responsive to others all that day as the weight of the coming attack was such that I could not contain it and be social. None of them had a clue. But then it would have been hard to see it as the stress was so much during this time that I was constantly fighting to keep it all under wraps. So it wouldn't have looked all that different from what they had seen of me.

8: My Path

D&C 121: 37-39

37 … but when we undertake to cover our sins, or gratify our pride, our vain ambitions, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man.

38 Behold, ere he is aware, he is left unto himself, to kick against the pricks, to persecute the saints, and to fight against God.

39 We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion.

My Path

8/31/05

I'm tired of this pain

Tired of fear I have to hide

Tired of sadness and 'reality' saying, 'Get real'.

I'm tired of exhaustion,

Of fear, of nay-saying.

'Reality' isn't yet even real.

Leave me be you who say

That my hopes are all vain

You know not of that which you speak

So leave me this day

Leave me, Tiredness and Pain

Leave me to that which I seek.

My path is my own

Leave me be, let me go

It is My future, My dream, My faith

It is My way, not yours

Though you still will not see

I MUST, and WILL, follow My path.

I find myself chuckling as I read this. What I call my 'sheer stubborn-ness', my refusal to be beaten, is finding voice herein. Part of the difficulties I've had to face and am even still working to overcome is a submissiveness to supposed 'authority' that was used against me at home to control not only what I did but what I thought and felt. If I was told I did such and such for such and such a reason and 'how shameful' I would be horrified for days, even weeks that I could be so… bad. After some time and space from the acting party, i.e. days or weeks, I would finally remember the actual circumstances. It was never the distorted and blackened scenario I had been condemned for. I have made great progress in being able to not only hold onto my own thoughts and feelings in the face of false dictation, but am even beginning to think and feel contrary and even speak contrary to expectation. What's more, I'm also starting to be able to do so without feeling an overwhelming fear that I'm being horrible for doing so.

This has taken many years. It is why I am particularly pleased at what feels to my manipulated psyche as rebellion finding expression so strongly even when I was still actively fighting the weakness I'd been trained to. It was a rare thing to occur. It is both defiance to abusive and dominating home and to temptation I refused to claim enticing to self-destruction. I refused to ruin my life just to try to get a response from people who wouldn't care and would just use it as proof that I was a bad egg. I suppose that is the one element in which I actually am competitive: not with people, but with negative temptation. We choose by our actions where we will go after this life and I will not lose my chances no matter what the devil may think he has to say on the matter. Home may have been the biggest weakness to tempt self-destruct, but I refuse to answer that call. And with years of time and space of separation, the threat level has gone from 99% down to maybe 8%. And it feels so good.

3: The Road to Happiness

Mark 10:16

And he took them up in his arms,

put his hands upon them,

and blessed them.

The Road to Happiness

8/3/05

The path to happiness is not an easy road

There is blistering heat and mind-numbing chills

There is loneliness, defeat, and, at times, despair.

But you can't let claim the victory.

Fight! Stand strong! Move forward!

There are joys amid the pain

Relief from aching heart

Peace defeats distress

Hope in spite of despair

Remember who you are and remember why you're here!

God loves us and He cares.

And we must all travel this road if we are to return to His loving embrace.

For that is where Happiness is.

No matter how low everything has been and felt and appeared, there has always been this voice inside of me that refuses to give up. And even when it seems unfathomable that God could be in the twisted reality seen all around and also ignored all around by those who weren't faced by it, the core of me has always clung to the truth above and that even if I couldn't see it, life was supposed to be good and if I just held on, all things would eventually find correction and resolution and the goodness of life I fought for would be found.

The scriptures have probably done the most in helping me hold onto this core belief. John  5:39 states, "Search the scriptures; for in them you think ye have eternal life: and they are they which testify of me." Not everything will apply at every moment, but if you live well before the Lord, you will find guidance to the things that will help you keep going. For me, that has been encouragement, or promises, or recognition of my own situation. 'Fear not', 'I will be with you', 'My peace I leave with you', and 'every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters or father, or mother… for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.'