31: The Legacy of Home

Romans 8: 35, 37-39

35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors

through him that loved us.

38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

The Legacy of Home

2/3/08

Who am I? Why does He want me?

Why does being His daughter give me value? Why should I have any rights? How dare I make any claim on Him? Why should my existence have value to Him or anyone?

Only in doing good. But I am not perfect, so when I am not good, where is the justification for inflicting myself on others?

I have chosen Him. I will never want to change that choice. At times I am appalled by my audacity and ashamed of the nothing He has claimed as His own. A voice whispers that this should not be so, but could someone please explain to me Why?

This is the strongest example of the psychology of the abused finding voice in my poem journal. This is what is left behind after constant belittlement, ridicule, torment, and disgust by abusers. The feeling you must be perfect, that you have no worth, the shame of existing in the first place, and if you can see that it's not supposed to be that way, the complete incomprehension of why, how.

The gospel, church, taught me the difference between what was and what should be. Years of protection by hundreds of miles away from home has begun to teach me how life can be without the abuse. As I find peace and security in the healthy, the hurt has less hold and sway and the further I get in healing, the faster I'm able to make progress.

The scriptures teach the why. The fact is that God does love me. He does not and never has seen me the way I was taught to see myself. As I recognize and accept His love and patience with and acceptance of others around me I can begin to consider the same for myself. It may not make sense to the me raised at home, but it no longer has to because I can recognize the lunacy of life at home. And that home is no more for me so I am free of it to focus on what is: that God does love me and He wants me back with Him.

3: The Road to Happiness

Mark 10:16

And he took them up in his arms,

put his hands upon them,

and blessed them.

The Road to Happiness

8/3/05

The path to happiness is not an easy road

There is blistering heat and mind-numbing chills

There is loneliness, defeat, and, at times, despair.

But you can't let claim the victory.

Fight! Stand strong! Move forward!

There are joys amid the pain

Relief from aching heart

Peace defeats distress

Hope in spite of despair

Remember who you are and remember why you're here!

God loves us and He cares.

And we must all travel this road if we are to return to His loving embrace.

For that is where Happiness is.

No matter how low everything has been and felt and appeared, there has always been this voice inside of me that refuses to give up. And even when it seems unfathomable that God could be in the twisted reality seen all around and also ignored all around by those who weren't faced by it, the core of me has always clung to the truth above and that even if I couldn't see it, life was supposed to be good and if I just held on, all things would eventually find correction and resolution and the goodness of life I fought for would be found.

The scriptures have probably done the most in helping me hold onto this core belief. John  5:39 states, "Search the scriptures; for in them you think ye have eternal life: and they are they which testify of me." Not everything will apply at every moment, but if you live well before the Lord, you will find guidance to the things that will help you keep going. For me, that has been encouragement, or promises, or recognition of my own situation. 'Fear not', 'I will be with you', 'My peace I leave with you', and 'every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters or father, or mother… for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.'