31: The Legacy of Home

Romans 8: 35, 37-39

35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors

through him that loved us.

38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

The Legacy of Home

2/3/08

Who am I? Why does He want me?

Why does being His daughter give me value? Why should I have any rights? How dare I make any claim on Him? Why should my existence have value to Him or anyone?

Only in doing good. But I am not perfect, so when I am not good, where is the justification for inflicting myself on others?

I have chosen Him. I will never want to change that choice. At times I am appalled by my audacity and ashamed of the nothing He has claimed as His own. A voice whispers that this should not be so, but could someone please explain to me Why?

This is the strongest example of the psychology of the abused finding voice in my poem journal. This is what is left behind after constant belittlement, ridicule, torment, and disgust by abusers. The feeling you must be perfect, that you have no worth, the shame of existing in the first place, and if you can see that it's not supposed to be that way, the complete incomprehension of why, how.

The gospel, church, taught me the difference between what was and what should be. Years of protection by hundreds of miles away from home has begun to teach me how life can be without the abuse. As I find peace and security in the healthy, the hurt has less hold and sway and the further I get in healing, the faster I'm able to make progress.

The scriptures teach the why. The fact is that God does love me. He does not and never has seen me the way I was taught to see myself. As I recognize and accept His love and patience with and acceptance of others around me I can begin to consider the same for myself. It may not make sense to the me raised at home, but it no longer has to because I can recognize the lunacy of life at home. And that home is no more for me so I am free of it to focus on what is: that God does love me and He wants me back with Him.

14: No More

2 Nephi 26: 32-33

32 And again, the Lord God hath commanded that men should not murder; that they should not lie; that they should not steal; that they should not take the name of the Lord their God in vain; that they should not envy; that they should not have malice; that they should not contend one with another; that they should not commit whoredoms; and that they should do none of these; for whoso doeth them shall perish.

33 For none of these iniquities come of the Lord; for he doeth that which is good among the children of men; and he inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and Gentile.

No More

11/23/05

I play a part

I would not play

But have no choice right now

Placed on a stage

That is unsafe

I yearn to leave somehow.

You see, the part

Is who I am

But others like it not

Be true to me

Do what they want

My part's frustration wrought.

My hope is soon

This stage I'll leave

Some 'part' to play no more

Be free to live

To do, to be

Be safe on my own shore.

With my family, at least, they have held a great desire to appear perfect. My leaving has been a thorn in their side they've mostly seemed to accept mainly because I won't let them into my life anymore. What minimal contact I had with select individuals has, however, made me aware of the displeasure that I'm not allowing the family to fit the desired projected image.

But this has baffled me from the beginning for I've a life-time of experience that says they have no interest or care in me or what makes me me. My listening to hymns on my own time made me a fanatic. My going to all my church meetings somehow meant I was trying to be better than them but really I was just a 'self-righteous-hypocrite Pharisee and you know what Christ thought of them'. My interests were belittled and my character traits mocked. My only purpose out of making their picture as they pleased was to be the family Cinderella. That always was my favorite fairy tale…

If there is ever to be a building of relationship between myself and the other siblings, it will have to be on a one-on-one basis of friendship. I have trouble imagining that, though. I doubt they'd pay any attention if we didn't have blood tying us together. However it may be, they will simply have to live with who I am. I will not play to the whims of others at the expense of my own well-being any more.