14: No More

2 Nephi 26: 32-33

32 And again, the Lord God hath commanded that men should not murder; that they should not lie; that they should not steal; that they should not take the name of the Lord their God in vain; that they should not envy; that they should not have malice; that they should not contend one with another; that they should not commit whoredoms; and that they should do none of these; for whoso doeth them shall perish.

33 For none of these iniquities come of the Lord; for he doeth that which is good among the children of men; and he inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and Gentile.

No More

11/23/05

I play a part

I would not play

But have no choice right now

Placed on a stage

That is unsafe

I yearn to leave somehow.

You see, the part

Is who I am

But others like it not

Be true to me

Do what they want

My part's frustration wrought.

My hope is soon

This stage I'll leave

Some 'part' to play no more

Be free to live

To do, to be

Be safe on my own shore.

With my family, at least, they have held a great desire to appear perfect. My leaving has been a thorn in their side they've mostly seemed to accept mainly because I won't let them into my life anymore. What minimal contact I had with select individuals has, however, made me aware of the displeasure that I'm not allowing the family to fit the desired projected image.

But this has baffled me from the beginning for I've a life-time of experience that says they have no interest or care in me or what makes me me. My listening to hymns on my own time made me a fanatic. My going to all my church meetings somehow meant I was trying to be better than them but really I was just a 'self-righteous-hypocrite Pharisee and you know what Christ thought of them'. My interests were belittled and my character traits mocked. My only purpose out of making their picture as they pleased was to be the family Cinderella. That always was my favorite fairy tale…

If there is ever to be a building of relationship between myself and the other siblings, it will have to be on a one-on-one basis of friendship. I have trouble imagining that, though. I doubt they'd pay any attention if we didn't have blood tying us together. However it may be, they will simply have to live with who I am. I will not play to the whims of others at the expense of my own well-being any more.

8: My Path

D&C 121: 37-39

37 … but when we undertake to cover our sins, or gratify our pride, our vain ambitions, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man.

38 Behold, ere he is aware, he is left unto himself, to kick against the pricks, to persecute the saints, and to fight against God.

39 We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion.

My Path

8/31/05

I'm tired of this pain

Tired of fear I have to hide

Tired of sadness and 'reality' saying, 'Get real'.

I'm tired of exhaustion,

Of fear, of nay-saying.

'Reality' isn't yet even real.

Leave me be you who say

That my hopes are all vain

You know not of that which you speak

So leave me this day

Leave me, Tiredness and Pain

Leave me to that which I seek.

My path is my own

Leave me be, let me go

It is My future, My dream, My faith

It is My way, not yours

Though you still will not see

I MUST, and WILL, follow My path.

I find myself chuckling as I read this. What I call my 'sheer stubborn-ness', my refusal to be beaten, is finding voice herein. Part of the difficulties I've had to face and am even still working to overcome is a submissiveness to supposed 'authority' that was used against me at home to control not only what I did but what I thought and felt. If I was told I did such and such for such and such a reason and 'how shameful' I would be horrified for days, even weeks that I could be so… bad. After some time and space from the acting party, i.e. days or weeks, I would finally remember the actual circumstances. It was never the distorted and blackened scenario I had been condemned for. I have made great progress in being able to not only hold onto my own thoughts and feelings in the face of false dictation, but am even beginning to think and feel contrary and even speak contrary to expectation. What's more, I'm also starting to be able to do so without feeling an overwhelming fear that I'm being horrible for doing so.

This has taken many years. It is why I am particularly pleased at what feels to my manipulated psyche as rebellion finding expression so strongly even when I was still actively fighting the weakness I'd been trained to. It was a rare thing to occur. It is both defiance to abusive and dominating home and to temptation I refused to claim enticing to self-destruction. I refused to ruin my life just to try to get a response from people who wouldn't care and would just use it as proof that I was a bad egg. I suppose that is the one element in which I actually am competitive: not with people, but with negative temptation. We choose by our actions where we will go after this life and I will not lose my chances no matter what the devil may think he has to say on the matter. Home may have been the biggest weakness to tempt self-destruct, but I refuse to answer that call. And with years of time and space of separation, the threat level has gone from 99% down to maybe 8%. And it feels so good.