14: No More

2 Nephi 26: 32-33

32 And again, the Lord God hath commanded that men should not murder; that they should not lie; that they should not steal; that they should not take the name of the Lord their God in vain; that they should not envy; that they should not have malice; that they should not contend one with another; that they should not commit whoredoms; and that they should do none of these; for whoso doeth them shall perish.

33 For none of these iniquities come of the Lord; for he doeth that which is good among the children of men; and he inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and Gentile.

No More

11/23/05

I play a part

I would not play

But have no choice right now

Placed on a stage

That is unsafe

I yearn to leave somehow.

You see, the part

Is who I am

But others like it not

Be true to me

Do what they want

My part's frustration wrought.

My hope is soon

This stage I'll leave

Some 'part' to play no more

Be free to live

To do, to be

Be safe on my own shore.

With my family, at least, they have held a great desire to appear perfect. My leaving has been a thorn in their side they've mostly seemed to accept mainly because I won't let them into my life anymore. What minimal contact I had with select individuals has, however, made me aware of the displeasure that I'm not allowing the family to fit the desired projected image.

But this has baffled me from the beginning for I've a life-time of experience that says they have no interest or care in me or what makes me me. My listening to hymns on my own time made me a fanatic. My going to all my church meetings somehow meant I was trying to be better than them but really I was just a 'self-righteous-hypocrite Pharisee and you know what Christ thought of them'. My interests were belittled and my character traits mocked. My only purpose out of making their picture as they pleased was to be the family Cinderella. That always was my favorite fairy tale…

If there is ever to be a building of relationship between myself and the other siblings, it will have to be on a one-on-one basis of friendship. I have trouble imagining that, though. I doubt they'd pay any attention if we didn't have blood tying us together. However it may be, they will simply have to live with who I am. I will not play to the whims of others at the expense of my own well-being any more.

6: Soon

D&C 121:7-8

7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity

and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt

thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

Soon

8/29/05

He tells me soon

My heart's afraid

Of pain I soon must face

A life apart

From one long loved

Hope denied that blessed place.

I've tried so long

Yet times I thought

It time to let home go

But He said, "Wait -

Keep holding on,

My wisdom I will show."

And so I trust

As long I've tried

And work to hush my fears

And wait and hope

That I will not

Have need to dry more tears.

Soon… The two thoughts that come to mind in relation to this poem cover both ends of the spectrum. First is a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon I remember seeing years ago. Calvin was musing that if God gives us things in our lives to accomplish and overcome then God must think an awful lot of him. (Also that Calvin would live forever since his slacker self would take forever to get it done.) This in turn reminds me of 1 Corinthians 10:13. "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

So often in the midst of trials and difficulties it becomes easy to say I can only do this much, or to think I can't handle any more. It was always around those times when I was focused on the idea that it would be over 'soon'. Truly, in the Lord's view of eternity it is soon, but to the mortal perspective, it often does not feel that way. That is why it is so important to hold on to the faith that if the mountain's blocking your path and  Heavenly Father doesn't move it out of your way, then He will give you the strength to conquer it. I've found it helps to focus on one step at a time during the blocks of being overwhelmed and discouraged… Then, when you find yourself with a little more strength than you had before, you can look up and realize just how far you have actually come.