13: Words

2 Samuel 22:37

Thou hast enlarged my steps under me; so that my feet did not slip.

Words

11/22/05

The words have gone, but deep inside I know I must write on.

Past pages speak

The dream held long within

Thoughts, hopes and fears

All spoken yet again

A future near yet out of sight

My heart longs to begin.

Soon I will tread

That hallowed path

Unknown what it will bring,

My path my own

Where I belong

To finally live my dream.

The peace inside

Holds still my heart

But this time, not in dread

This time I know

Instead of pain

My home still lays ahead.

The time long short

Draws to a close

Past strength spent and reborn

Yet here I am

To walk the path

Once entryway is shown.

It has become a recognizable pattern in my life that life and stress levels stay high enough for long enough that I fear I'll burn out until I'm terrified I'll somehow fail everything because I can't manage it all. I get to a point where I plead with Heavenly Father to make it stop so I don't fail and then He blesses me with strength to continue. Further down the road I wear out again and finally hit the point where I just don't have the energy to care anymore and I decide that I'll do what I can, but if everything falls apart, then so be it. And every time that happens, instead of falling apart, things finally start to fall together and it is suddenly not so hard anymore.

11: I cry (unfinished)

Luke 10: 30-37

30 And Jesus answering said, A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.

31 And by chance there came down a certain priest that way: and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side.
32 And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side.
33 But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him,
34 And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him.
35 And on the morrow when he departed, he took out two pence, and gave them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him; and whatsoever thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee.
36 Which now of these three, thinkest thou, was neighbour unto him that fell among the thieves?
37 And he said, He that shewed mercy on him. Then said Jesus unto him, Go, and do thou likewise.

I cry (unfinished)

10/15/05

I cry inside the tears I cannot show

And fight the fears that only seem to grow

I fight the pain that comes but will not go

To save myself from worse should someone know.

And still I dream of better things to come

Of hopes, and dreams, and joys, and even fun

Of starry nights, of cloud and rain, or sun

Safe home that's free, of peace and warmth and love.

But here I'm trapped and fail to hide the pain

Of blows that keep coming time and time again

This was a rough weekend. It went in cycles at home where things would kind of be calm for a while and then the tensions would build till I was on edge always wondering just when the explosion would occur and what would trigger it. I'd been feeling it all week and this was what came out that Saturday. The mental and emotional full-frontal attack came the next night lasting well into the morning hours. I nearly missed a critical appointment the next morning due to the total exhaustion left from it. Thankfully, one of the people I have had available at times for support was there to mitigate the further potential strain and even relieve the strain that was there.

I was part of a committee on campus and we had a big activity specific to our group that day. Being part of the presidency, I had been there during the morning to help prepare before the rest came. During down time while food was cooking the others went who knows where and I tried to calm my spirit's stress by playing on the piano in one of the rooms. It did not help as much as it usually would. So I started writing. This was the result. It helped more. But I was still only minimally responsive to others all that day as the weight of the coming attack was such that I could not contain it and be social. None of them had a clue. But then it would have been hard to see it as the stress was so much during this time that I was constantly fighting to keep it all under wraps. So it wouldn't have looked all that different from what they had seen of me.

7: Nowhere Else

St Luke 9:57-58

57 And it came to pass, that, as they went in the way,

a certain man said unto him,

Lord, I will follow thee whithersoever thou goest.

58 And Jesus said unto him,

Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests;

but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head.

Nowhere Else

8/31/05

I'm trying to right

My upside-down world

Left alone to discover this path

No one to walk with

To say, 'Yes, that's right'

No one to shield me from wrath.

Someone once told me

I must walk alone

For now, that is what I must do

So I walk alone

Though, perhaps, he is wrong

Until then, still I walk, shoe by shoe.

I walk ever on

Hoping I walk aright

Past people who claim that they care

I must trust that they do

Though I still walk alone

Having nowhere else, somehow I'll get there.

Boyz II Men "I Will Get There"

I have a number of play-lists of songs I find encouraging or for purging sadness and emotional fatigue. (I tend to process the emotions better if I allow myself to feel them until I don't need to so melancholy songs make the list as well.) As I was first typing in this particular poem, I left myself a note that one of those songs reminds me of this poem, or perhaps the other way around. It is from The Prince of Egypt soundtrack by Boyz II Men titled "I Will Get There". It speaks of being in chains but being determined to break free no matter what it takes, that even when it all seems dark, of continuing to try and holding onto faith that ultimately the sun will shine again and the far side of the trial will be obtained.

It seems hard that so much of it seemed so alone and in many cases truly was. I would often have to have imaginary conversations with people I knew to try to figure out what was going on and how to handle all of it since I knew everyone I knew was too busy to be bothered with my baffling world. Honestly, I don't think many would have been of much help unless they'd come from a similar background and could recognize what was happening since it's taken me so many years further to begin to understand it myself. But even then, each person must walk their own path through life making theirs own decisions along the way. And we will be judged according to our choices whether or not we had the ideal circumstances. The Lord will indeed be merciful and judge us with the full comprehension of what we've had to work with, but we must not let our difficulties become an excuse to falter in the intention of our hearts. Standing or walking alone is not an excuse to act against what we know is right.

*I felt like I needed to break the schedule and set this next one up early. Then I saw which one it was. At this very moment I know someone who is ill and one night away from being homeless. So I'm posting this early, too, because I hope something in this will help give her courage and comfort.

6: Soon

D&C 121:7-8

7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity

and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt

thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

Soon

8/29/05

He tells me soon

My heart's afraid

Of pain I soon must face

A life apart

From one long loved

Hope denied that blessed place.

I've tried so long

Yet times I thought

It time to let home go

But He said, "Wait -

Keep holding on,

My wisdom I will show."

And so I trust

As long I've tried

And work to hush my fears

And wait and hope

That I will not

Have need to dry more tears.

Soon… The two thoughts that come to mind in relation to this poem cover both ends of the spectrum. First is a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon I remember seeing years ago. Calvin was musing that if God gives us things in our lives to accomplish and overcome then God must think an awful lot of him. (Also that Calvin would live forever since his slacker self would take forever to get it done.) This in turn reminds me of 1 Corinthians 10:13. "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

So often in the midst of trials and difficulties it becomes easy to say I can only do this much, or to think I can't handle any more. It was always around those times when I was focused on the idea that it would be over 'soon'. Truly, in the Lord's view of eternity it is soon, but to the mortal perspective, it often does not feel that way. That is why it is so important to hold on to the faith that if the mountain's blocking your path and  Heavenly Father doesn't move it out of your way, then He will give you the strength to conquer it. I've found it helps to focus on one step at a time during the blocks of being overwhelmed and discouraged… Then, when you find yourself with a little more strength than you had before, you can look up and realize just how far you have actually come.