11: I cry (unfinished)

Luke 10: 30-37

30 And Jesus answering said, A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.

31 And by chance there came down a certain priest that way: and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side.
32 And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side.
33 But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him,
34 And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him.
35 And on the morrow when he departed, he took out two pence, and gave them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him; and whatsoever thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee.
36 Which now of these three, thinkest thou, was neighbour unto him that fell among the thieves?
37 And he said, He that shewed mercy on him. Then said Jesus unto him, Go, and do thou likewise.

I cry (unfinished)

10/15/05

I cry inside the tears I cannot show

And fight the fears that only seem to grow

I fight the pain that comes but will not go

To save myself from worse should someone know.

And still I dream of better things to come

Of hopes, and dreams, and joys, and even fun

Of starry nights, of cloud and rain, or sun

Safe home that's free, of peace and warmth and love.

But here I'm trapped and fail to hide the pain

Of blows that keep coming time and time again

This was a rough weekend. It went in cycles at home where things would kind of be calm for a while and then the tensions would build till I was on edge always wondering just when the explosion would occur and what would trigger it. I'd been feeling it all week and this was what came out that Saturday. The mental and emotional full-frontal attack came the next night lasting well into the morning hours. I nearly missed a critical appointment the next morning due to the total exhaustion left from it. Thankfully, one of the people I have had available at times for support was there to mitigate the further potential strain and even relieve the strain that was there.

I was part of a committee on campus and we had a big activity specific to our group that day. Being part of the presidency, I had been there during the morning to help prepare before the rest came. During down time while food was cooking the others went who knows where and I tried to calm my spirit's stress by playing on the piano in one of the rooms. It did not help as much as it usually would. So I started writing. This was the result. It helped more. But I was still only minimally responsive to others all that day as the weight of the coming attack was such that I could not contain it and be social. None of them had a clue. But then it would have been hard to see it as the stress was so much during this time that I was constantly fighting to keep it all under wraps. So it wouldn't have looked all that different from what they had seen of me.

7: Nowhere Else

St Luke 9:57-58

57 And it came to pass, that, as they went in the way,

a certain man said unto him,

Lord, I will follow thee whithersoever thou goest.

58 And Jesus said unto him,

Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests;

but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head.

Nowhere Else

8/31/05

I'm trying to right

My upside-down world

Left alone to discover this path

No one to walk with

To say, 'Yes, that's right'

No one to shield me from wrath.

Someone once told me

I must walk alone

For now, that is what I must do

So I walk alone

Though, perhaps, he is wrong

Until then, still I walk, shoe by shoe.

I walk ever on

Hoping I walk aright

Past people who claim that they care

I must trust that they do

Though I still walk alone

Having nowhere else, somehow I'll get there.

Boyz II Men "I Will Get There"

I have a number of play-lists of songs I find encouraging or for purging sadness and emotional fatigue. (I tend to process the emotions better if I allow myself to feel them until I don't need to so melancholy songs make the list as well.) As I was first typing in this particular poem, I left myself a note that one of those songs reminds me of this poem, or perhaps the other way around. It is from The Prince of Egypt soundtrack by Boyz II Men titled "I Will Get There". It speaks of being in chains but being determined to break free no matter what it takes, that even when it all seems dark, of continuing to try and holding onto faith that ultimately the sun will shine again and the far side of the trial will be obtained.

It seems hard that so much of it seemed so alone and in many cases truly was. I would often have to have imaginary conversations with people I knew to try to figure out what was going on and how to handle all of it since I knew everyone I knew was too busy to be bothered with my baffling world. Honestly, I don't think many would have been of much help unless they'd come from a similar background and could recognize what was happening since it's taken me so many years further to begin to understand it myself. But even then, each person must walk their own path through life making theirs own decisions along the way. And we will be judged according to our choices whether or not we had the ideal circumstances. The Lord will indeed be merciful and judge us with the full comprehension of what we've had to work with, but we must not let our difficulties become an excuse to falter in the intention of our hearts. Standing or walking alone is not an excuse to act against what we know is right.

*I felt like I needed to break the schedule and set this next one up early. Then I saw which one it was. At this very moment I know someone who is ill and one night away from being homeless. So I'm posting this early, too, because I hope something in this will help give her courage and comfort.

2: Alone in my Dreams

Haggai 1:13

Then spake Haggai the Lord's messenger

in the Lord's message unto the people,

saying, I am with you, saith the Lord.

Alone in my Dreams

8/3/05

I dream sometimes when I'm alone

Of home, of peace, and, yes, of love

But dreams are not and still I'm here

Seeing, I am unseen

Loving, I'm unloved

Remembering yet forgotten.

I live, and times I'm torn in two

Fighting the urge just to dream

Lost from the home I cannot find

Looking - still lost

Dreaming for hope

Living, I am alone.

And so I dream what life may be

Crying tears no one cares to see

Praying my dreams will come true

Laughing and loving

A home of my own

Never alone again.

In a word, this expresses the isolation felt by one caught in bad situations with no comprehend-able prospect for escape.  It seems not very surprising to me that people in such circumstances turn to ways that are not considered acceptable to fill the void and counter the terror of being so completely without control, be it drugs, gangs, dangerous sexual activity, and other worrisome coping mechanisms.