15: Into the Setting Sun

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-12

1 to every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4 A time to weep, and time to laugh; a time to mourn, and time to dance;

5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;

6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?

10 I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.

11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

12 I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.

Into the Setting Sun

12/4/05

The sun drifts down

Trailing ribbons of color

It's fleeing brilliance

Sets the world in relief

As it draws a blanket of

Stillness over the land.

Perhaps that is why

My heart is always drawn

Westward into the setting sun,

Wanting the light to return

To warm a troubled heart

To share the hidden beauties

To give light and life to all.

But the sun's path is set

And I must wait it's return.

I thank God that

In the dark of its absence

I learn to love

The light and life he brings.

Letting go is hard at times and it is often beyond our ability to control. But I think rather than settling into depression at a loss, it is better to consider what it provided and then turn yourself around to welcome the new opportunities afforded at the rising of a new day. It is by learning to recognize the value and beauty in what has passed that we can learn to recognize the potential in what is coming.

Joy In the Morning, by Natalie Sleeth

I prefer the recording I have of this song, but this was the best option of all the ones on YouTube. (The Judson University one came second.)

I've loved this song for years since singing it in high school and even learned how to play it, though it's been years since I've had piano access. This song was one of the very first on the playlist that helped me feel hope.

14: No More

2 Nephi 26: 32-33

32 And again, the Lord God hath commanded that men should not murder; that they should not lie; that they should not steal; that they should not take the name of the Lord their God in vain; that they should not envy; that they should not have malice; that they should not contend one with another; that they should not commit whoredoms; and that they should do none of these; for whoso doeth them shall perish.

33 For none of these iniquities come of the Lord; for he doeth that which is good among the children of men; and he inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and Gentile.

No More

11/23/05

I play a part

I would not play

But have no choice right now

Placed on a stage

That is unsafe

I yearn to leave somehow.

You see, the part

Is who I am

But others like it not

Be true to me

Do what they want

My part's frustration wrought.

My hope is soon

This stage I'll leave

Some 'part' to play no more

Be free to live

To do, to be

Be safe on my own shore.

With my family, at least, they have held a great desire to appear perfect. My leaving has been a thorn in their side they've mostly seemed to accept mainly because I won't let them into my life anymore. What minimal contact I had with select individuals has, however, made me aware of the displeasure that I'm not allowing the family to fit the desired projected image.

But this has baffled me from the beginning for I've a life-time of experience that says they have no interest or care in me or what makes me me. My listening to hymns on my own time made me a fanatic. My going to all my church meetings somehow meant I was trying to be better than them but really I was just a 'self-righteous-hypocrite Pharisee and you know what Christ thought of them'. My interests were belittled and my character traits mocked. My only purpose out of making their picture as they pleased was to be the family Cinderella. That always was my favorite fairy tale…

If there is ever to be a building of relationship between myself and the other siblings, it will have to be on a one-on-one basis of friendship. I have trouble imagining that, though. I doubt they'd pay any attention if we didn't have blood tying us together. However it may be, they will simply have to live with who I am. I will not play to the whims of others at the expense of my own well-being any more.

13: Words

2 Samuel 22:37

Thou hast enlarged my steps under me; so that my feet did not slip.

Words

11/22/05

The words have gone, but deep inside I know I must write on.

Past pages speak

The dream held long within

Thoughts, hopes and fears

All spoken yet again

A future near yet out of sight

My heart longs to begin.

Soon I will tread

That hallowed path

Unknown what it will bring,

My path my own

Where I belong

To finally live my dream.

The peace inside

Holds still my heart

But this time, not in dread

This time I know

Instead of pain

My home still lays ahead.

The time long short

Draws to a close

Past strength spent and reborn

Yet here I am

To walk the path

Once entryway is shown.

It has become a recognizable pattern in my life that life and stress levels stay high enough for long enough that I fear I'll burn out until I'm terrified I'll somehow fail everything because I can't manage it all. I get to a point where I plead with Heavenly Father to make it stop so I don't fail and then He blesses me with strength to continue. Further down the road I wear out again and finally hit the point where I just don't have the energy to care anymore and I decide that I'll do what I can, but if everything falls apart, then so be it. And every time that happens, instead of falling apart, things finally start to fall together and it is suddenly not so hard anymore.

12: Sharing hopes with a friend

Proverbs17:17

A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

Sharing hopes with a friend

10/20/05

In my mind I see a picture

In my heart I feel a peace

A future inexpressible

On life, a whole new lease.

My life is out there, waiting

As my future comes to view

I could spend so much time sharing

All my hopes and dreams with you.

Now I know my life is only one

Of many; Yes, I see

But I'm ever so excited

For the things I know can be.

Perhaps in listening you'd find

That I would listen too

Should you share your hopes and dreams

The things that make you you.

For friends should share each other's joys

Their sorrow, hope, and pain

And stand, united, always

In trust and love unfeigned.

So forgive me if I ramble

On the joys I sense to come

For I would love to hear of you -

Your all, and then still some.

For friends we are and always

Stand tall, and strong, and true

I thank God daily, that I have

Such a friend in You!

Oh, how I wished I had a real friend, a reliable friend. Mature enough to see and accept the hard realities I've had to handle and true enough that they would  allow me to prove myself a friend in return.

Friends during my first 25 years did not exactly qualify as friends. Many, too immature to understand or too self-centered to care, stated blandly that I just wasn't worth being a friend to - that I must just not want to be happy.  Considering the abuse and also the strain of responsibility in caring for an ill mother till I discovered her dead one morning and also caring for younger siblings for years through high school and early college, I think it's fair to say I should not have been condemned for being on an emotional roller-coaster.

The truth is, I have trouble looking at 98% of the people I knew before I left the town I lived in as friends. Even the ones I talked to with regularity are strangers to me because I know they have no idea what was really going on. The me they thought they knew is not who I was or am and so it feels false the few times I've tried to talk to any of them. I also know that because abuse is so often hidden from the view of those not living in it, it is hard for the clueless to accept the truth. And the truth for me is that I'm not looking to make a big deal out of it for attention or revenge or pity and I do not like pointless confrontation so it's easiest just to let the dead stay dead.

11: I cry (unfinished)

Luke 10: 30-37

30 And Jesus answering said, A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.

31 And by chance there came down a certain priest that way: and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side.
32 And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side.
33 But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him,
34 And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him.
35 And on the morrow when he departed, he took out two pence, and gave them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him; and whatsoever thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee.
36 Which now of these three, thinkest thou, was neighbour unto him that fell among the thieves?
37 And he said, He that shewed mercy on him. Then said Jesus unto him, Go, and do thou likewise.

I cry (unfinished)

10/15/05

I cry inside the tears I cannot show

And fight the fears that only seem to grow

I fight the pain that comes but will not go

To save myself from worse should someone know.

And still I dream of better things to come

Of hopes, and dreams, and joys, and even fun

Of starry nights, of cloud and rain, or sun

Safe home that's free, of peace and warmth and love.

But here I'm trapped and fail to hide the pain

Of blows that keep coming time and time again

This was a rough weekend. It went in cycles at home where things would kind of be calm for a while and then the tensions would build till I was on edge always wondering just when the explosion would occur and what would trigger it. I'd been feeling it all week and this was what came out that Saturday. The mental and emotional full-frontal attack came the next night lasting well into the morning hours. I nearly missed a critical appointment the next morning due to the total exhaustion left from it. Thankfully, one of the people I have had available at times for support was there to mitigate the further potential strain and even relieve the strain that was there.

I was part of a committee on campus and we had a big activity specific to our group that day. Being part of the presidency, I had been there during the morning to help prepare before the rest came. During down time while food was cooking the others went who knows where and I tried to calm my spirit's stress by playing on the piano in one of the rooms. It did not help as much as it usually would. So I started writing. This was the result. It helped more. But I was still only minimally responsive to others all that day as the weight of the coming attack was such that I could not contain it and be social. None of them had a clue. But then it would have been hard to see it as the stress was so much during this time that I was constantly fighting to keep it all under wraps. So it wouldn't have looked all that different from what they had seen of me.

10: One Thread

D&C 64: 10-11

10 I, the Lord will forgive whom I will forgive

 but of you it is required to forgive all men.

11 And ye ought to say in your hearts --

let God judge between me and thee,

and reward thee according to thy deeds.

One Thread

10/4-5/05

Much to say, what to tell?

How to show where I've been?

Pick a thread, follow it through it's way

Many good, some are not

And this thread holds much pain

But this thread wove my world day by day.

I must unloose this thread

And replace as I go

Lest I unravel and, in shreds, fall

And prevent, as I can

From more thread being laid

As it gathers all up in a ball.

What to do with the ball?

Cut it off and away

And continue to loose as I go

Till it's gone and I'm free

From the chains of that thread

Free to be, free to live, free to grow.

Many have condemned me

For effects this thread has caused

Blind to see that I could not control

Where or how it got placed

When I too could not see

But the pain and the fear of my soul.

So confused at more pain

And still trying to be

The best everyone else thought I should

It was never enough

As it never can be

Still I tried to do all that I could.

Then I looked back and saw

How this thread shaped my life

And, at first, thought it must be my fault

But it's not, and I've tried

Just to lay fault aside

And to focus on loosing this knot.

Some remnants may escape

My split concentration

As I both treat and try to prevent

But the process moves on

And I'm closer each day

As I learn from what all this has meant.

So I see all the threads

But this one I must change

To no longer hurt me or my dreams

For new dreams I now see

As I learn the true me

And the hope of my future redeems.

I have had many people try to tell me that I must repent and/or forgive those involved in my home situation when the hard memories call back emotional responses. The truth is that forgiveness is not the issue in my case as I'm so empathetic I cry when fictional characters face death or great loss or pain. I'm merely reacting with empathy to my own memories of pain. Crazy weird, I know. But it brings up the issue of forgiveness. Many people seem to think that forgiveness means feeling and acting like nothing bad happened - a warm, fuzzy, I love you, you love me kind of feeling. That if you just flip the switch everything will be ok again - in you, with the offending persons, with God. I see forgiveness in a different way. 

Forgiveness is letting go of vengefulness for the wrongs of the past, leaving correction in God's hands, and moving on with your own life. While a discussion on why our standing in the way of someone else receiving of the Savior's atonement because we were offended is a good one to ponder, it is the moving on element that sets you free. It does not mean staying in an unhealthy environment. But it does mean that you take charge of your future and face forward instead of walking backwards blind in life because you refuse to put it aside. Often I find myself glad I don't have to be the judge of people. But it also occurs to me that no one will give a better judgment and exact a more appropriate price on those who have offended than God. Those who merit mercy will receive it and those who do not will find they have a rude awakening.

Forgiveness is accepting that the Lord will make recompense for the wrongs done and accepting that the debt then becomes between the offender and the Lord.

9: Ready

Proverbs 3: 5-6

5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart;

and lean not unto thine own understanding.

6 In all thy ways acknowledge him,

and he shall direct thy path.

Ready

9/16/05

He told me, "Be ready;

It's coming your way."

For what? I don't know

Or when? I can't say.

I see more pieces crumble

And in my heart I pray

That I may help someone

Who needs me on their way.

There is freedom, hope, and joy outside

Which can't be found within

And those who would restrain

Can't see what costs their win.

Pain, fear, and guilt, and anger

Employed to get his way

Is it really any wonder

Why we would not choose to stay?

Meanwhile, I stand ready

For the rest, I could not tell

But here I stand and I must trust

In God all will be well.

It is curious that this poem came roughly a year before my last real contact with home. The year before had been horribly difficult to survive as I had stayed one final year at home beyond what my personal intentions and desires were. Though hard, that final year was a great blessing for it taught me that, in my personal case, it wouldn't matter how hard I tried to make them happy - it would never be enough for them. When Heavenly Father finally said it was enough for Him and I could be done with it all, I was able to walk away without any second-guessing or wondering whether, if I had just tried harder, maybe things would finally have gotten better. Instead, having stayed in the house, and after, in general contact for another year or so, I was free to leave and have had no need to look back.

As this poem shows, Heavenly Father was preparing me for separation even before I was fully aware it was coming. The first months of this particular year in question I found myself disturbed and concerned at whether I could think of anything positive taught me by my father that wasn't tainted with manipulation or twisted doctrine or hateful or degrading commentary. It took a month of pondering but I finally managed a handful of untainted memories. That Father's Day, while trying to think what to give, I felt prompted to write him a letter sharing those memories (minus the fact they were the only ones like that…). I distinctly remember the feeling that it would be the only opportunity to share them with him. I did not understand why that was at the time, but I wrote it and gave it to him anyway. I can't say its reception was laudable, but those feelings and later events proved that Heavenly Father knew what was coming and was preparing for it even without my understanding.