Afterword

Afterword

Friday, May 04, 2012

1:04 PM

I woke, this morning thinking of a boy I knew during high school. With youth group activities, we were sometimes near enough to interact and there were a few times when I was a less than well-behaved. Looking back, I remember feeling a vague sense that I was not being nice, maybe even a bully, but it was too vague a sense to truly grasp. What I did feel was that I finally had a turn to be in control, that I wasn't the one being emotionally and psychologically battered. That I wasn't weak.

What I was doing was treating him as I was always treated at home and the chance to get out of my own hated weakness somehow lent itself to me reversing the role onto someone else who was, in truth, innocent. I would guess that is why it is so common for abuse victims to turn around and become abusers themselves. I can't say how many times I've looked back, mainly on one particular evening, with great regret and remorse. The truth was, I always respected this boy and while he was always a bit aloof when I was around, he was also still always respectful, even after I had hit him with every 'boys are stupid' and such-like that I'd had available. It is even more ironic for me to remember that he was, as I saw it, also a popular boy and far from the type one might normally imagine as a bully target.

The truth is, it had nothing to do with him. I didn't understand what I was doing then, but over the years as I have looked back on these memories, I know that I was simply desperate to not feel so powerless myself and he happened to be there. I think also, it might have been so easy because he was a good kid and since I always was trying so hard to be good and still had everything turned against me, his goodness made it easier for me to funnel it all off of myself. At least, that's what it felt like at the time.

The second time such an opportunity came around, I was not as nice as would be hoped, but I was very vocal about making sure we weren't paired up again in the etiquette dinner. I believe that was a combination of me fighting the urge, poorly, to behave as I had the year before, and subconsciously trying to protect him from that urge to be horrible to him again. He may never know the truth of those years, but I have learned from it, and I believe the experience may find value in the understanding of others. For I believe that understanding brings far greater power than simple knowledge. With understanding, we are given the perspective needed to act with wisdom. 

5/21/16

Just FYI, but aside from learning to break the cruel sarcasms pattern from home (which the Spirit pointed out to me in 7th grade and I worked hard to eliminate in myself from that point on), this experience was really the only time this behavior came out. Mostly, my nature has been to observe and engage when applicable.

If the siblings find their way to this blog, I'm sure they would claim otherwise, but the misnomer of 'bossy' because I was expected to ensure all chores were completed and everything in the house was perfect is not the same. Especially when a single request/reminder was reported to the parents as out of line so that I'd get in trouble and they wouldn't have to do anything. Oh, but the chore was still required, which now, conveniently, was my problem. As I said - not the same thing at all.

On another note, this concludes what I have long called my 'Poem Journal', which covers the more critical years of my efforts to break away from an abusive home and the thoughts and emotions that would build and spill out in poem form because they had nowhere else to go. I imagine I will find other related topics to post about in the future, so this is not farewell. I may post older, related poems (I've one in particular in mind if I can track it down) or ones written since. I may re-post some from my main blog, Of Good Report. I have a whole section there about dealing with abuse. Whatever and whenever, this topic is near and dear to me and I will continue to speak about it so that maybe others will learn to speak up as well.

36: Lazarus Heart?

Alma 32: 26-27

26 Now, as I said concerning faith -- that it was not a perfect knowledge -- even so it is with my words. Ye cannot know of their surety at first, unto perfection, any more than faith is a perfect knowledge.

27 But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.

Lazarus Heart?

1/15/09

My heart lies cold - its life spent out

On hope for home and kin

So freely seen in neighbor lives,

So many gathered in.

Long coveted I what is not so

In Promise' timeless face

Till empty strength and empty time

Forfeit this solo race.

Now body shall live though heart has died,

Though no-one sees to mourn

'Less Lazarus heart the Lord shall raise -

Should thus His will be borne.

Even when you have no strength left and have to let go, you can remember that the Lord can raise anything from death - be it hope, love, life, peace, safety, understanding.

We are taught that if we can only desire to believe, that it is enough for the Lord to work with. So too, I believe, can He work with what we see as our failures in life - strength, family, work, health. He can make them all find life again. So even when we lose hope, we can remember Lazarus and hope again.

35: How? When

Isaiah 55: 8-9

8 For my thoughts are not your thought,

neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.

9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways,

and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Mosiah 4:9

Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend.

Isaiah 9: 6

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace.

How? When

6/15/08

To face a fear so long a threat

To not fear the hurt they gave

To break the chains of fear they hold

To breathe free, feel calm, stay safe.

I wish I knew how not to fear

To believe no harm can be done

That the monsters of my past are dead

To believe that threat is gone.

Somehow he must become a face

Not one I've known for years

Somehow the threat must empty out

Somehow lay rest these fears.

They say he cannot hurt me

Though still he yet may try

They say I must just forward face

And leave these fears to die?

How?

But perhaps 'how?' is the wrong question - Better still is 'When'.

<Ralph Marston>

When

             the fears that hold you back

When your reasons to move forward outweigh your excuses for staying put, you will move forward.

…

…

…

When you are ready, life is here to fully live.

Choose it, and now is when.

Ralph Marston

The truth is not worrying so much about the how. The Lord will provide what is needed if we stay in tune with Him. He will also manage the speed. More often than not, in my efforts with the ultimate Counselor (see Isaiah 9:6) He has said 'not yet' more than He has said 'time to move on'. Whatever the timing is, when you are ready, the way will be there.

34: Nothing Left

Alma 13: 28-29

28 But that ye would humble yourselves before the Lord, and call on his holy name, and watch and pray continually, that ye may not be tempted above that which ye can bear, and thus be led by the Holy Spirit, becoming humble, meek submissive, patient, full of love and all long-suffering;

29 Having faith on the Lord; having a hope that ye shall receive eternal life; having the love of God always in your hearts, that ye may be lifted up at the last day and enter into his rest.

Alma 36: 3

...whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day.

Nothing Left

4/15/08

'How much longer?' the question echoes,

And, 'Can I make it?' is close behind.

They say I have to care.

Yet I have nothing left to give.

And so I mourn

Because I fail.

But at least I gave my all.

And so I can rest as down I fall

And hope in the arms that will catch me.

Someone I know once told me of a dream she tends to have when faced with an obstacle requiring faith. It is as follows.

She is walking on a path towards a great cliff, the top of which she knows is heaven. The path is easy at first with pretty flowers along the way. As it goes it gets a bit steeper and more difficult but it is still quite manageable. Then it becomes more of rock climbing and requires all her concentration. It takes great effort but she is doing it. Her strength begins to fail and she begins to fear. Looking below, the rocks look like jagged teeth and she knows it will be her doom if she falls and the thought of having to try climbing again after is more than she can handle. She begins to pray and can hear the Father and the Son above telling her to let go. Of course she cannot let go so she keeps trying, climbing till the surface provides no more hand-holds and her fingers have been bloodied to the bone. Still above, they encourage her to let go. She dares not, but soon her fingers have worn down so much they break and she falls. She mourns as she sees heaven get further and further away. Shortly before she hits the bottom, the Savior catches her and carries her to the top. On the way he asks her, "Did you really think I would let you fall?"

The scriptures tell us that 'we know that it is by grace that we are saved after all that we can do.' We can't save ourselves. We must be on the right path and continuing forward as well as we can manage, but despite what my dad always tried to convince me, we can't and aren't expected to be able to do it all ourselves. Having obstacles that require more than we personally can manage are opportunities to turn to the Lord and trust in Him. Trust that He will make it right. Trust that He has provided the way to recompense the hurts against you, that He will guide you in a way that will make even more good come from the bad than you could imagine. Let His atonement give you strength and courage and peace. He suffered for everything. Your sins and others'. The illnesses and deaths. The heartaches and hurts and distresses of everyone. He knows. He cares. And He is there waiting for all of us to let Him into our lives so that He can help make it right even when the actions of others stand ready to tear us down. Trust His guidance and when this mortal probation is over you will find more than you ever imagined possible.

33: Silent Hope

Proverbs 13: 12

Hope deferred maketh the heart sick:

but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.

Silent Hope

I learned a truth at younger age

Of protection in not being;

That releasing claim on rights or wants

Numbs life's constant sting.

For if I have no claim on love

Withheld leaves no surprise

So why does silent hope spring forth

To see love in one's eyes?

'Tis good the Lord still holds my heart

In His protective care

For else it'd die so many deaths

As each hope bails on fare.

(11/18/08)

I truly survived by convincing myself I was nothing more than a slave. A slave has no rights therefore nothing can be done against a slave that is wrong. Therefore there should be no cause for feeling hurt at what happens. It did not make all of the hurt go away, but it cut it down by a good half. And if you don't let yourself want anything, that want can't be held against you as punishment or manipulation.

It is the same idea expressed by the lead male in the dance movie Step Up. The girl asked him what he hoped for his future and his response was that it was safer not to hope because then it wouldn't hurt when it didn't happen.

Loss and rejection is hard and it becomes devastating when repeated over and over. Each time we hope and our hope proves false can make it that much harder to try again. But ultimately, we can't let hope go for it will prove true if we hold on long enough. The way I sometimes had to keep it alive was to tuck it away like a seed waiting for spring to come again and fresh ground to try once more.

32: No Arms

2 Nephi 1:15

But behold, the Lord hath redeemed my soul from hell; I have beheld his glory,

and am encircled about eternally in the arms of his love.

No Arms

2/6/08

I have no arms to pull me home

No arms to pull me safely in

No place of peace to rest my heart

No endless refuge from the storm.

No arms to shield me from the pain

Or hold away a threatening for

No arms to wipe the tired tears

Or wait for mournful sobs to slow.

I have no arms to claim my own

That wish to hold me ever near

No arms to share a loving warmth

To hold me close to someone dear.

(3/26/12 - 2 Nephi 1:15 - Ensign April '12)

"The Loving Arms of Christ"

see 'Arms of Love'

For a long time I particularly treasured hugs because it made me feel like if someone was actually willing to touch me then I must not be so horrible as I'd been made to feel. Just as I sought comfort being wrapped in my blanket the day I found my mother dead, I have sensed a security and comfort intimated in being held close by another. I have longed for that feeling to be proven real. It means welcome and acceptance and concern and love and protection and I have craved that reality for so long.

A bit over four years after writing this particular poem, the Lord showed me that while I've not had an actual person filling that role, He has ever been there with His arms stretched out in my need and He has held me close in His care. When I read the words that spoke these thoughts I knew immediately the Lord was answering this poem's prayer. Someday I will also have a husband and a home and a family and I will not only have the arms to hold me close but I will also be able to hold them close as well. In the meantime, I must be content to share what hugs I can with others.

31: The Legacy of Home

Romans 8: 35, 37-39

35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors

through him that loved us.

38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

The Legacy of Home

2/3/08

Who am I? Why does He want me?

Why does being His daughter give me value? Why should I have any rights? How dare I make any claim on Him? Why should my existence have value to Him or anyone?

Only in doing good. But I am not perfect, so when I am not good, where is the justification for inflicting myself on others?

I have chosen Him. I will never want to change that choice. At times I am appalled by my audacity and ashamed of the nothing He has claimed as His own. A voice whispers that this should not be so, but could someone please explain to me Why?

This is the strongest example of the psychology of the abused finding voice in my poem journal. This is what is left behind after constant belittlement, ridicule, torment, and disgust by abusers. The feeling you must be perfect, that you have no worth, the shame of existing in the first place, and if you can see that it's not supposed to be that way, the complete incomprehension of why, how.

The gospel, church, taught me the difference between what was and what should be. Years of protection by hundreds of miles away from home has begun to teach me how life can be without the abuse. As I find peace and security in the healthy, the hurt has less hold and sway and the further I get in healing, the faster I'm able to make progress.

The scriptures teach the why. The fact is that God does love me. He does not and never has seen me the way I was taught to see myself. As I recognize and accept His love and patience with and acceptance of others around me I can begin to consider the same for myself. It may not make sense to the me raised at home, but it no longer has to because I can recognize the lunacy of life at home. And that home is no more for me so I am free of it to focus on what is: that God does love me and He wants me back with Him.