30: Free to live

1 Corinthians 12:20-22, 25-26

20 But now are they many members, yet but one body.

21 And the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of thee: nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of you.

22 Nay, much more those members of the body, which seem to be more feeble are necessary:

25 That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another.

26 And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it.

Free to live

12/30/07

This path I entered years ago

Has come at last to end

And now I stand with aching heart

But joy for my lost friend.

I walked the path the Lord bade me

In faith, though strength did fade

But faith proved true and through the end

With honor have I stayed.

So now my path's to be my own

And free I am to live

To walk, and wish, and will, and want

All God's blessing He will give.

It felt like I had lost a friend in leaving family behind. Truth is, it was more an imagined ideal I had hoped for that was lost. Family should love and care about each other; what makes each person special and unique coming together in a unity of love and respect.

It was not so, but I can do all I can to someday build a family like I wished so much mine had been.

29: Will You See? Will You Hear?

Colossians 3: 20-21

20 Children, obey your parents in all things:

for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.

21 Fathers,

provoke not your children to anger,

lest they be discouraged.

D&C 136: 32

Let him that is ignorant learn wisdom by humbling himself and calling upon the Lord his God, that his eyes may be opened that he may see, and his ears opened that he may hear;

Will You See? Will You Hear?

9/7/07

When did you kill the Me in your hearts?

When did it cease to be home?

When did you forfeit my dearness to duty?

When did I turn to task in form?

They say they have love, and care and concern

And seek for the state of my soul

Yet that soul they've denied, disdained and despised

Ill-handled and painted as coal.

My choices are judged for reflections on them

Though they claim they seek only my good

Yet if I should stray down a path they view wrong

Then, 'Attack! 'til she's back where she stood!'

Their view won't allow for a path they can't see

So they've stated they will not support

Blind to revealing my worth to be

Known only in 'good' report.

They'd help when required by duty they know

Standing in judgment and self-sure repose

Just as I've seen towards brothers of blood

So, the same unto me, I'd suppose.

I care not for this bond, for bondage it is,

For this fight I'm doomed never to win

Worth ever dying in expectations passed

Back at zero to always begin.

So stuck, I lament, as this tale I began

Though in answers I see no release

For freedom I seek from these chains so absurd

And in freedom, for once, lasting peace.

(also 9/7/07)

These words may seem harsh but I've lived with their truth and I wish to be free of it. Few seem able to comprehend the connection between words and the thoughts they betray, but the truth of them I know so deeply it sets my teeth on edge. For knowing changes nothing. And while 'All is Well' I must LET all be well lest contention be laid to my charge, all the while knowing that all is most definitely NOT well. I hate even the thought of interaction with parental units for this very reason. Oh! It makes me sick inside, I hate it! But I'm stuck, for I, too, know duty. Oh, that our paths could be independent that I could respect and honor  them on theirs and be free of the nothingness I've known under them on mine. Compulsion engenders no love towards masters. As family I love them, but rarely have they chosen to submit the master to the parent. Anger and offended pride win out by a landslide. THAT is what I have learned to trust though there is not trust engendered by it. And I would be free of it.

Let truth win out and let me be free.

Only, tell me how?

Please

It was a day short of three weeks later that Heavenly Father let me know I could leave without looking back. 

28: Not Like Others

Moses 7:30

And were it possible that man could number the particles of the earth, yea, millions of earths like this, it would not be a beginning to the number of thy creations; and thy curtains are stretched out still; and yet thou art there, and thy bosom is there; and also thou art just; thou art merciful and kind forever;

Not Like Others

7/26/07

Only one of many

Watching as numbers surge and swell and decline all around.

Wondering where I fit in.

Many ways I turn I see places where others have made room.

For spaces of time I welcome the welcome,

But I keep watching for the place that is mine.

Few understand this urge for different.

I am not like others.

Others look for any fitting place and then seek to fit their choice.

I seek the place that is mine.

I have learned that to fit the places other seek and see,

The part that is me must be cut away.

Though I have often wondered why I am,

I have just as often discovered the drive to protect what is me.

I do not understand what that is, or why it should be so foreign

That so many shy away from it or attack with scorn in fear.

All I know is that I am not like others.

Understanding this in junior high made life a lot easier for me.  I did not have to feel like I had to fit in, like I needed to fit the patterns of the people around me. As a past bishop once taught, expectations can cause complications if we set them beyond healthy bounds. His point was more that we would find discouragement in failing expectations we could not realistically have achieved under our personal ability to ensure. I think this applies also to our place in the world and society around us. When we accept that we don't have to be like others, we will prove less susceptible to peer-pressure. The one place where I was vulnerable was at home, but in the past years I have learned I don't have to be like them or fit into the place they demanded either. And it feels good to know that I'm original.